How To Warn a Young Worker in the Faith

As a person who works (or will work) overseas in the manner that I do, I get many comments about how dangerous things are and how I should be aware of certain people. While I do take natural caution to all of those things I can't help but notice how frequent these comments are and how they are backed with a kind and well meaning "You're so brave." Don't get me wrong, I know the people who make these comments are only doing so because of their love for me and their hopes that I live a long and prosperous life. To that I say thank you, I love you too, I respect you, and I hope your life is also granted the gift of longevity if it is God's will.

I land somewhere in my thoughts on this in a place where, once again, those whom I live around and love will think I am just a little short-changed in the noggin area. While people and places and situations are forces to be reckoned with I can do you one better that plagues every human life no matter who you are. It comes for us and holds nothing back and it is something deep and dark, never tiring, working in our circumstances and in ourselves.

You see, in this life we all have to be "so brave." It's not an enemy that backs down because of the guns you have or the cunning of your attack plan. It doesn't matter if you stay in these United States or go somewhere else, it follows you and everyone else, "looking for someone to devour."(1 Peter 5:8). I have been told to be aware of the dangers of people and places, but I have to say a more dangerous adversary works through simplicity and complexity, lies and deceit, and if I turn myself over to his sly words I am in more trouble than if a gun were pointed at my head and shot point blank.

I fear being devoured more than I fear a gunshot to the head, or a bomb in the next room over.

What is death? What is there to fear in death when Jesus Christ has conquered it and has promised that it is not necessary to dread death because of what lies behind it. Death is not the enemy, The lion that does not and will not lie next to the lamb in peaceful harmony is the enemy. I feel like people should be warning me instead:

 "Be careful that while you are over there you do not believe the lies that are whispered in your ear."
Or,
"Remember to steep yourself in the Word so you do not give into worldly temptation."
Maybe even,
"Keep in mind, don't be afraid."

Where is this advice to heed among those who have loved Jesus and are wishing a worker well on her way? I know that people can be evil and thus devoured by this same evil I am talking about. However, it is that same evil that pursues me, and pursues you. It relentlessly and tirelessly surrounds and pounces whenever the opportunity arrives in our personal lives. I don't want to hear doubt in people's voices when they warn me of the evil in the world, I want to hear hope in the warnings because of what Christ offered and the fact that I accepted.

I know that people are hearing the lies and believing them, being devoured to the point of almost no return. I know it, and that is why I do what I do, because Jesus has more power than the one that devours, God reigns over him too. I know the dangers, I may be an unwed, mid-twenties girl, but I am educated about the dangers. You want to warn me of the dangers in this world? Tell me that when I hear things in my ears like:

"You aren't good enough, creative enough, smart enough, or strong enough to do this thing you are pursuing, just quit and stay here, get a regular job and find a husband to love you instead."

*Disclaimer: The above statement is pertaining to my situation only, my convictions about the work I am proceeding to do on this side of Heaven. 

These are just lies, and stumbling blocks in your faith, don't listen to them. Warn me not to listen to the evil that will devour me and cause me to settle for the world and stop working for the Lord. Warn me that sometimes when I am alone over there this voice WILL get louder, be sure to go find a like-minded person in the faith to spend time with when this happens. Tell me to go find encouragement...or encourage me to continue on this path, be my noise blocker. Remind me to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength and do not give into the worldliest parts of my being.

Tell me to keep my sword sharpened and at the ready for the adversary of my soul.

All to God

Brain/Heart/Soul Stuff

Oh hello fellow humans! Yes...remember me? I'm the inconsistent blogger who writes when inspiration hits and for the past few months inspiration has been as dormant as this blog...which I believe is the correlation here. Some days I just feel like writing with no real content attached and those are the posts that are a real drag. I have opened up this blog on many accounts over the last several months to write something but the words were lack-luster and unimportant (even to myself).

However, this time I feel like I can share some things that are of note that have been going on in my life and in my brain/heart/soul. So let's give it a go hmm?

Since I have been back in the States and loved on my family and my friends holding them close whenever possible but also spending a significant amount of time alone (some of my own doing and some of circumstantial normalities) I have noticed a few things. I've noticed for one the immense amount of spiritual warfare that this nation is under (although it does happen in other places) and the funny thing is most of the time it feels like normal everyday life. Come to think of it I don't think I have even shared these thoughts out loud.

I have felt this in my own life; When everyday routine comes and goes and suddenly what is so very important spiritually has now been watered down by living a life in routine. After a while it just kind of dawns on you that things that were happening to enrich your spiritual life have now been cut down by this lull of contentment. I don't mean this contentment that Paul talks about in Philippians 4:11-13; to be content in need and in plenty, hungry or well-fed because of Christ's strength. No that's not the kind of contentment I am speaking of because that kind of contentment is not a passive one. Paul's mastery of contentment was because he leaned into Jesus when he was hungry or fed, needing nothing and needing the requirements to simply stay alive.

I'm talking about the contentment that comes when we have a consistency of plenty and our spiritual lives get hung up in the hall closet. Must we be in physical need to feel that then we can rely on Jesus? Absolutely not. Spiritually, we are in need constantly but sometimes we become content to let that part of ourselves take a backseat, I am guilty of this and I know I am not alone.

This is the spiritual warfare I am speaking of in this nation and it is worrisome. Yes, we need Jesus, but we need him all the time not just when we are cold and we take him out of the hall closet and put him on for the temporary purpose of becoming warm again.

This is just what I have noticed since being back in the States in my own life and how I feel spiritual warfare in my own spiritual life and have recognized its traces in others. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit showing me that he is faithful all the time and tells me to come close and in the closeness he shows me my purpose, refining and renewing me for his work!

So pray for me? Also pray for those you know who are stuck in this rut of passive contentment because many do not notice it is happening. Like I said the Holy Spirit is faithful and he will protect and stir the hearts of those who are faithful to him even when stuck in these jams. I know that scholars have probably talked about this subject numerous times and WAY better than I can put it but it is what I have noticed and has been laying on my heart to talk about in the written form.

God is near and I am thankful.

All to God.

My Take on "Noah"

I Saw Noah tonight...and you know when movies like Harry Potter came out or The Hunger Games screen writers and directors wanted the content to be as close to the book's story as possible because the story in itself is what captivates people. The story matters because stories that are timeless are guarded. They are guarded by those who love the story.

That's why when I saw the first "Hunger Games" movie and I saw how they adapted Katniss getting the mockingjay pin I turned to a friend and I said "this is not the way that happened!" I said it with outrage because it was such a simple thing and an important moment in the book. You know...the story matters.

But as I have come to know it this movie Noah is directed by the same person who directed The Black Swan which is fine in and of itself except for a major difference; the latter movie is not held up by a book it is simply made for film therefore whatever abstract or nonsensical thing happens is fine because it was firstly created for film.

But a book is a book and the author meant it to tell a story, real or fictional. However, the author of the book that Noah's story resides has long since passed away from this earth but the story still has many adoring fans. I understand that Hollywood is also Hollywood and to expect anything less than theatrical addition is ignorance. Many movies made from the Biblical stem have theatrical addition but it is at least coherent. This movie Noah is not the story of Noah his wife, three sons (and their wives and children). This movie is about rock monsters, magic snake skin, ancient bazookas, dastardly people who only eat meat, almost killing babies, and much much more.

I don't find it absurd that Hollywood changed it into an agenda piece, but I do guard Noah's story, and from the moment I saw glowing snake skin and women wearing pants I knew this piece would not reflect the story I know, or the culture in which it is written.

Let me get my point across before you think something that I'm not saying. I am not holding the makers of this film up to any of the Biblical standards I hold as my own standards. What I am saying is just as a consumer standpoint (not the fact that I do follow Jesus) is that I am guarding the story I know. All I have to say as a follower of Jesus is....the book is definitely better than the movie.

We all walked out of the theater laughing because of the insane adaptations. We made jokes like it was Lord of the Rings: Battle of Will at Sea or that the twins Shem's wife had will have to go find their uncles when they are older to repopulate because they had no wives in the movie. It's also interesting how Noah and his family seem to be vegetarians yet...there was no sign of fruits or vegetables in the beginning of the movie. The list goes on, the movie served it's purpose as an agenda, and now we can all move past it.

The best thing to remember if you are a person who is outraged by this adaptation of Noah's story is that God has already blessed us with his written Word and that story prevails no matter what man might make of it.

All to God.

Mind Pocket

This week has been a terrible language week. By this I mean in language class, or just speaking in general has been a struggle. Words come out wonky and grammatically horrific. I mean, I'm normally bad, but this week makes other times feel as if I had almost mastered the language. Grammatical errors are normal when learning a language however, Monday's class took grammatical errors to a whole new level. It was almost as if it was the first day learning grammar again. Horrible. As I walked out of the classroom when our two hour class ended I think I literally face palmed myself.

Monday was bad, it's not gotten significantly better as the week has progressed however it's not gotten any worse. I've had good and bad days with language throughout this whole endeavor as one does in a foreign country. I have my list of small "wins" as far as language goes tucked away in my brain for when I truly am down about my language abilities. The flubs, the incorrectness, the almost sentences, well...they are too many to count. That's why that small pocket of "wins" are in my language survival kit.

This week I have had to pull out what few "wins" I have for a small dose of encouragement, like a drop of water hydrates a dry sponge. It's a system I built three years back the moment I knew I was going to live here. It's not a complicated system but for me it gets me through. Step 1: Speak simple words. Step 2: Feel good about your word choices. Step 3: Have people understand you. Step 4: Complete your task because of steps 1-3. Step 5: Hold a mental picture of the moment you felt proud of yourself while using what you know. Step 6: Create a pocket in your mind and stick these moments in there. Step 7: Look at them when you are feeling low about your language abilities.

So it's my seven step program I have created for myself so I don't go into an "I'm the worst and I'll never learn this language!" mode. I also remember that there are better days to come, and maybe even a day where I will actually join a conversation including multiple people instead of just sitting there listening. Maybe even a day (a long time from now) when I won't even have to think and I can just speak.

But today is not that day, and try as I might I will still come up short, not because I am terrible but because I am learning. Learning has a safety net, it allows you to have the wrong answers (granted you're actually trying). So yes, this week as far as language is concerned, has been a difficult one. My pictures in my pocket are getting a little tattered and it may be time to add some new ones sometime soon. I look forward to good language days.

If you are a monolingual starting to learn a new language like me then let me encourage you by saying that it is worth it, it's challenging, and it is rewarding. Let me show you reality in saying it will be very hard (unless you are a natural at this type of thing) and at moments very discouraging but there will be times when you feel like it is coming together and you can speak this language. If you really want it, you will get it. Simple as that.

Create that pocket and fill it up, my you pocket overfloweth.

All to God

Nearly Spring Day Observations

As I sit out on the balcony currently waiting on the sun to make the leap over the the roof and shine directly where I am, I'm looking out to the scenery around me. It's turning again, into the season I have seen only once before in this country, and only briefly. There's a breeze on this 70 degree day and there are stray, unplanned tiny flowers blooming in the yard. It's clear across the valley, but not as clear as I have seen it before. I'm just happy that the temperatures have been higher so that people don't have to start fires and continue to build walls of smog.

People are hanging clothes back out on their lines instead of finding places and ways to hang them away from the wet and the cold. Trees are starting to come alive again with small buds daring to greet the real beginning of Spring. I can now say I have survived a very mild winter in this second country I call home. Keeping warm with wood and coal for the first time in my life was an endeavor, and an educator.

We wait patiently for the day that ice cream is back on the streets again and T-shirts and flip-flops can be worn again in town. I hear more birds tweeting and fluttering instead of just those nasty old crows that caw and never seem to go anywhere else. It's a beautiful Saturday here, we have nowhere urgent to be and I am simply waiting on the sun to poke it's head just around the edge of the roof.

Spring is a good season.

All to God

Time Moves Fastly On

Time moves way to fast. I am flabbergasted that it is already almost the end of the first week in March. Christmas doesn't seem like it was that long ago and it was a little over two months ago! It's insane the strides time takes when we aren't looking.

Now here I sit 8 months into this thing that this time last year seemed like a feat to achieve. With a mere 3.5 more months ahead of me. When I bought my plane ticket to get back home I felt like I was leaving the next day because this has literally been the fastest 8 months of my life thus far. I was asked by someone in the States how I felt about having to come back and I exclaimed:

SAD!!!

I am very sad about having to leave here. I love the friends I have made and essentially the second family I have here, but no matter where you leave from it's always like slowly pulling a band-aid off of very sensitive skin. It stung leaving the States, and boy..oh boy will it sting leaving here. It's like leaving something of extreme importance undone (not that I am the hinge of this outfit but you get it...). I'm not the most awesome of people to be in the position I am in, I make all kinds of mistakes all the time, seriously...so many mistakes. But I am SO thankful that God brought me here and has given me people who have loved and encouraged me through outright stupidity.

If you are reading this and you are a supporter of mine, first of all THANK YOU! As I've said before I cannot and will not say it enough to express my gratitude towards you. Second, I have a proposition for you; let's keep this thing going, it's a good thing wouldn't you agree? Let's take this relationship to the next level...supporters...will you go steady with me? I have started the process of becoming a long-term worker which means I need long-term supporters.

In 3.5 months I will be in a position where I can see you and talk with you face to face, which will be really nice! I am so sad about leaving but I am very happy about being with family and friends, I am also very happy about meeting new people who are just down-right top-drawer.

I am blessed beyond belief to know the people I know, love the people I love, and serve the True God who is super grace-filled, forgiving, and passionate.

*If you are interested in supporting me long-term please comment below or you can find me HERE

All to God

What's in a name?

As you may have noticed from clicking on a link or just being really observant I have changed the name of this here little teeny tiny spot on an enormous map of web users. Yes I felt it was time to make the change, nothing very ground-breaking or anything like that. Just two different words on the same ol' blog.

So why the name Average&Avid?

I chose this name because...well like the last name...it describes me. While Aspiring was good and also described me I guess I wanted a title that didn't seem like a chase. That was not a great description of the point I'm trying to make however, I do still aspire. I aspire simply to be in God's will and use the time I have on this earth to share his grace with people. I have tried aspiring at many different things that were never meant to be (mostly in those ruddy teenage years where the world is your oyster.)

But I am what I am, I'm extremely average. Like... incurably average, I have never exceeded in anything in my life, I am the par...as par as you can be, I hit it right on the money. I play average guitar, my skateboarding skills are average, my entire academic career was average. I am where I am in life because of the astounding grace of God. I'm not an eye-catcher, my style is nowhere near chic or even quirky-cute, I have long straight as board blonde hair I couldn't even begin to know what to do with except sling it back in a pony-tail everyday. Honestly, I don't know if I'm overly good at anything! I'm average, a very average girl.

...I guess I landed among the stars? Thanks inspirational quote from every elementary school I've ever been in...

However, I am avid. I am avid about people. I love people, I love their stories, and I love relationships. I am avid about sharing the Truth that I have determined is just that...the truth. I can be shy sometimes but really I am avid about knowing people, and making them feel comfortable around me. Which comes in handy since a lot of time getting to know people is over coffee..and I am an avid coffee drinker. I am avid about Jesus and following him. I am avid about love. Love is good, it's always treated me well, I haven't always treated it well, but it has forgiven me time and again. 

So those are reasons and choices. Average & Avid. Oh and by the way..I'm not fishing for compliments here when I say I'm average, because really it's ok. Average ain't so bad, some people are meant to be extraordinary and those people are pretty cool. But being the hot average mess I am..people seem to like me so that's tops.

Do you like the new name? It just feels closer to home to me.

All to God

Ranting at the Temporary

Ok, so I just saw something on Twitter that made my blood boil...

*disclaimer: if you are in support of this thing that made my blood boil this is nothing against you..inherently this is not a bad thing just continue reading*

So Relevant magazine (which is not a favorite of mine and I only see their tweets when people retweet them) has made an article about how Giorgio Armani is campaigning this trade-off; if you can stay off of you phone for 10 minutes Armani will give a day's worth of water to a child in need.

I get it, children (and people in general) need water to live, and this campaign will be a part of the endeavor to get water to people. But here's the rub and why my blood is running hot from this whole thing:

Giorgio Armani has enough money to get clean water to millions of people for the majority of their lives.

...and they are only campaigning that a child get water for a DAY.

Doing what small research I have, it has come to my knowledge that Armani's net worth is about $1.3 BILLION (according to Forbes magazine). This is campaigning for a child to get water for a day, one day, not the next day, but just for one day if you sacrifice the usage of your phone for 10 minutes, but WHY? Why is a multi-billionaire campaigning for this? What is it's purpose? If Armani wanted to do something to make a change in this world he could have easily given money to dig wells for people who couldn't in the first place which would give them more of a chance to have water EVERYDAY, boosting their chances of survival.  

I don't know of Armani's other humanitarian endeavors and if I am being ignorant about any such things as his humanitarian efforts please let me know. However, all I know of the man is that he is a very successful man in the fashion business and that's great and all. I just had to share this thing that spiked my blood pressure because even though these things seem well and good sometimes, I've learned, helping someone for a day won't stop them from begging, or getting sicker, or dying the next day.

Helping people with compassion, and a focus on the how they can help themselves for themselves is the way to help people...not giving them a temporary fix. Humans helping humans should not come with conditions from the rich, it should not be cause and effect such as "IF you stay off your phone for 10 minutes THEN Armani will give water to a child for a day."

I don't know...is it just me that feels this way?

All to God

Into the Chasm

The past few days have been lazy days. As it goes in what I "do" it is fast-paced one moment and absolutely silent the next with maybe a few blips on the radar. I've done a lot of thinking these past few days, I've always wanted to be the kind of person that makes things happen, that isn't scared to take a chance, be bold and honest. Some days I feel like I am or can be that person, and other days I fear I can never be that person.

Then of course as the brain of a human female plummets into the depths of her own thoughts just by one single, simple thought, I spiral. Then, as it goes, I make things into a larger deal than it has to be pushing it outside the limits of actual reality almost to the point of life-altering. All of a sudden I'm exhausted from merely thinking, and so I come to the surface again where rational thought can sooth the torn and frayed thoughts that chose to bungee jump into that chasm of deep-thinking.

Where did I land on this subject? Well after a while of playing myself in Mortal Kombat I decided that I can be that person, all it takes is a little work. Even in a different culture I can be that person, even though the easiest of tasks can be a little intimidating. It takes knowing the fine line of humility and boldness of which I am constantly a student.

As of now, and having been working on this for many years, I am working on the haunting lie that I have told myself in times past that I am inadequate and the bigger, stronger, more faith-filled people are cut out for this thing I call ministry. They can be bolder, make more friends, learn the language easier, explain the faith better. But do you know what I've come to realize?

If this "line of work" waited for these imaginary people then we would fail.

We would fail the Gospel, we would fail the reason Jesus came, we would fail ourselves, and we would starve the Holy Spirit that makes us bold, faith-filled, and knowledgeable. Don't get me wrong, we fail all the time, but if we started waiting for perfection then none of us would see our potential in Christ. 

On my own...I am not adequate, I am terribly insufficient in spreading the Truth. But I know that I am not on my own, I have a Helper, and He is what allows me to be adequate and unafraid. 

Phew...so what am I getting at? I (and those like me) need to tell the liar that lives in the brain area to SHUT IT! Because there is a more reliable source, there is a more honorable being that tells us we have all we need and that is enough. Be bold, be strong, be humble, and make things happen!

Because in the right company...you can.

All to God

In My Bed, In Bosnia.

I just remembered the dream I had last night. I dreamed (once again...) that I went back home to the U.S. and that's when the anxiety started. Normally in my dreams I don't get anxious, and I have had this type of dream before only what I felt in this dream was magnified about 100x's. In this dream I knew I was dreaming.

I had made it back home (it was a little blurry) and I began to see the blurry faces of my family members when I panicked and said to myself "No, no, this is a dream, all I have to do is wake up and I will be in my bed in Bosnia!." So moments later I woke up. I woke up in my bed in Bosnia, and the first thought I had in my head was "I'm still here!" Now here's a little more context; every time I have had a dream like this I have been getting home early...like months earlier than I should. Every time I am glad to see my family but something inside of me is telling me that this is wrong and I feel strange and out of place.

This time apparently, my subconscious decided to not even entertain the idea of me going home earlier than planned. I couldn't even get a clear picture but I knew I was home but not because I was supposed to be. I woke up and instantly felt better like everything was right.

But let me get something straight since my family reads this...

This in no way implies that I don't miss you or that I don't want to be with you. I wish we could be together so much and while I am excited for the day I get to kiss your faces and hug your necks, I know where my place is right now. I know I have a purpose here and I have to live it out, and while I miss you so, I cannot deny the magnetic pull that this place seems to have on my heart (and apparently my subconscious). 

I was a weird dream, and one of the few where I actually realized I was dreaming while participating in the dream. I remember running away from the blur of what the dream was becoming and then I woke up relieved to find myself in my bed, in Bosnia. 

To my family, I miss you way more than I let on, and I love you deeply. I am glad that I am here and serving in ways I couldn't have foreseen otherwise. The love I have seen, given, and received has been overflowing and I can't help but love being here even when the days are hard. I do love it, and I choose to love it, everyday.

I'll come home, you better believe that, but not quite yet.

All to God

White Carriage: Sensible Pumpkin

I think the worst thing about growing up is actually realizing that there is no other choice but to take up your responsibilities and deal with them like a man (or woman...). I think there comes a time in every young adults life where their internal clock strikes twelve and the beautiful carriage turns into a pumpkin that all of a sudden you realize you can cook and actually utilize.

I've been growing up in two contexts; one that taught me that I am responsible for myself and that people may help but in the end you must have the motivation yourself to take care of you. The other context is now currently teaching me that while the first context is correct, I also must be willing to help others, give of myself even when I get tired (...Do not grow weary of doing good deeds.) This context is stretching me beyond what I thought and I'm realizing that I can stretch more if need be.

I'm learning how to be a woman, in that I do not want to learn how to cook because it is thought to be my place, but because I want to make a home one day, and maybe I want my kids to say "my mom makes the best _____ ever." I'm learning by examples in life how a wife must respect her husband without being unheard. I am learning that virtue is rare these days and I should strive to have some. I've actually enjoyed the moments where in a Bosnian household they let me help serve the meals how every young woman learns how to serve the household and its guests.

But growing up has its advantages; you learn who you are, you find identity in Christ (if you believe in this sort of thing..I do.) You find out who your friends are, you figure out the kind of things you would want in a husband (or wife), no more wandering about, and when it finds you then it has found you. Yeah you might owe a lot of money because of those college years, but you also find out that money isn't everything and the good Lord provides for those who love him. You get to figure things out on your own.

You don't only have to rely on what you have been told, but rather what you make of it all.

Growing up is difficult and I have a lot of it yet to do. But I'm convinced that growing up does not include becoming this person who has it all figured out and gets to decide who hasn't made it to their level of maturity. I'm more inclined to believe it's a process full of laughter, grief, self-pity, achievement, motivation, selfishness, unselfishness, humility, self-realization, love, and lots of grace. It's a mess to grow up, with moments of clarity in between what seems like chaos; good or bad. 

Becoming an adult, whoever thought of such a crazy thing? But it's worth it in the end, especially if you have the privilege of a long life. Many of whom I know that have this privilege tell me that they still haven't grown up. I would have to agree that growing up is not a linear process, but a tangled mess without an end-point, and it is beautiful. For the most part I've enjoyed my tangled mess of adulthood as a woman and child of God. 

Growing and learning everyday, and that's just how it's got to be.

All to God

Raw

These days I have been thinking about my boundaries that I set for myself throughout my life and how they are hindering me (or, rather, I am hindering myself). So when I get in a situation of say, dancing at a special needs party with friends and wonderful kids who were made EXACTLY the way they were supposed to be, sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk and remind this heart of mine.

It's not about you.

I've likened it to raw skin (sorry to be so graphic). I've noticed how limited I have made myself and I have deemed it unfit to be part of the work being done here. So I'm lopping it off. I'm letting the raw skin angrily burn and I'm putting no band-aid over it. I'm allowing time and the soothing balm of self-growth to heal the rawness. I know this is all a little strange. 

So when I was at this party, which was entirely unexpected, I went to the bathroom in the beginning to obviously use for its intended purposes but also to say necessary words to myself. Emilie, go dance with these kids, you probably can't understand a word they say, but darn it...you go have fun with these people, and love them because it's all about loving them. Yes, I said something to this effect out loud to myself, because I just need to most of the time.

And guess what happened....it was awesome. They were so happy. I was so happy to show some love to these sweet people. I was blessed by them, overly blessed, I'm glad I got into the thick of things otherwise I would have been the stuck up, no fun, foreigner. I'd rather dwindle that down to just a foreigner (something I will never escape). 

So there will be other moments throughout life here that the raw skin will just have to ache and burn because in the end it's worth it. I've definitely not arrived, and I never will, however the road to arriving will be winding yet awesome. I hope you can understand what it is I am trying to say because sometimes stuff sounds better in my head. 

By the way...kids, they are something else. In a good way.

All to God

Breaking Boundaries Bit by Bit

There are all sorts of ways to have fun with other people, even people we don't know. There are also many unexpected ways to have fun with people who may be simply acquaintances with the possibility of becoming a good friend. To many to count really, and sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zones to find these people and have fun with them.

Never did I think I would find it in an Oriental dance class, and by "Oriental" I mean...mostly belly dancing.

Yes.

I said belly dancing.

Oh, but it's so much more.

If you know me at all you know that I don't like to dance seriously in public. I can only dance like a crazy person with no style or grace attached to my movements, however this class is all about style and grace and at first it made me feel very strange. I felt extremely out of place since Oriental style dancing has a few motions that I would not do outside of that classroom or maybe with a female audience of whom are my good friends. So when I heard that a lot of my teammates wanted to try out this class I was like...no absolutely not.

Then something convicted me. It's a good way to make friends, a good language lesson, and an overall great workout. Would I even begin to be a fool for the sake of the possibility to even speak Jesus into the life of another person I might meet in this class? So my answer changed to a whimpering ...ok, I guess I could give it a try. 

So I stepped across the boundary I had set for myself and I went. Come to find out we have the sweetest teacher we could possibly have for this class and as of recently found out that our classmates are just as sweet. I have moments that I think while in the class "did I ever think I would be so concerned with choreography in an Oriental dance class in Bosnia?" 

As I have come to find out while I have been here, I have drawn lines and noticed that I drew them in vain, because the very next step I must take is crossing those lines in order to grow. I often times hear "the reason you can't or aren't doing this is because you are the only one stopping you." I find this to ring true in my life more often than not, a hefty fault I must say. 

I know this dance class is just one of the many boundaries I have kept for myself that I must break down. In my "profession" there is little tolerance for inflexibility and hard boundaries. I'm glad I have kept with this class, I have met some good people through it and will continue to meet people. Because that's what it is about, the people. Some boundaries I have laid for myself are simply for the birds, and I don't need them. 

I have a lot to learn, and I'm sticking with that.

All to God

An Urgent Heart.

Ok, so by now all of you have lost faith in my blogging efforts and I could not blame any one of you in the least. My blogs have been sparse at best and I suppose that life has been going and maintaining a pace that is good and tiring. So now, gross and fresh, from the gym this morning I've sat down to write you and share something.

It's not you, it's me, you deserve better.

Anyway, let's just dive in to this mess I call thoughts from my brain.

Outside of general love for people, I have had a few people on my heart. It's not just as if I chose people at random, these are people whom I have felt desperately about. Mostly, I don't even know them very well, but it sickens my soul to think about them anywhere but inside the Savior's grace and love. 

I hope my soul stays sick for these people and many more. I want to feel the urgency, because in reality I don't have time to wait. In my humanness I continue to believe the lie that tomorrow is certain and by the very next word I type all will be the same as it was the sentence before. I know that if these people began their journey toward Christ it would probably not be a sprint but a marathon and I have no qualms with that. God is perfect and his timing is immaculate, he knows when to burden a heart and when to bring it peace and I rely on him.

I want them to know that someone already stood in their place to take away punishment. I want them to know that there is so much to life outside of this small state of consciousness. I want them to see their King and forget the disunity this country suffers, and I want them to seek to heal it with the love that they come to know. I love these people in general, and the ones who burn in my heart like a brand are a part of the whole. 

I don't know really what else to write, you understand what I'm getting at. You may have even felt the sickening in your soul when you thought about certain people being outside of Christ. It's a sort of sickening that you feel and think about constantly, and in contrast to the negative connotation that "sickening" brings with it, this you might admit is a motivational "sickening."

Please be praying for me as I seek God's wisdom and his timing and as I pray for these individuals. Pray that I may have the Spirit's leading when it comes to having conversations with these people, and be praying for dreams that God might visit them when they sleep. As always, thank you for your prayers and sparing a thought here and there, they are precious to me.

All to God.

The Good Change

Things often change. Many, many times it's a change that we do not enjoy. We have this mindset that if a time is good then it shouldn't change because for a while it's something we can count on, it feels stable, there are lots of laughs, people are kind, and hope doesn't seem so destitute.

Then it does. Then it changes and life is miserable again, friends move on in life, the laughter isn't the noise filling up a room, and now it seems everything is balancing on a teeter totter. Well...this blog post isn't about how everything constantly changes and becomes terrible. This is about a change, one that is constantly getting more and more stable the longer life goes on.

There is something that I have learned and been changing with over the past few months. Much of my mature life in following Jesus I have had this concept that actions must be bold, what we do and say must be bold for the sake of the Gospel. This concept is correct, however I was missing something that is so elementary and I am amazed at my unbelief.

I believe in the power of prayer, I always have, I know that God works through our petitions. I have read in the Bible over and over the prayers of faithful men and women who cried out to God and he answered their prayers in miraculous ways, none of which can be explained away. I grew up knowing that prayer was our gateway to God only through the sacrifice of Jesus. However, I can't continue to pretend that for a lot of my life I felt completely sure that my prayers will be answered. I knew that God heard what I had to say, but many times I questioned my belief that my prayers would be answered.

But, change has happened in a most definite way, a way that I was not expecting. Because of where we work, we lift up prayers for dreams and visions of Jesus, and wouldn't you know it...they are HAPPENING. I have always believed that God can do these things, I suppose sometimes when I prayed for wonderful things to happen somewhere in my heart there was a hint of doubt. Now there is 0% doubt in my heart that God will listen and provide what needs to happen to those he is calling to himself.

Through praying for others God has answered a prayer I have had for my life, that he would rid any of the residue of unbelief from my being. This is a change that will not feel unstable, never downturn, always constant and faithful. Although it is his will not mine that I want to be done, so I have an understanding that sometimes what I pray may be answered in different ways other than I was expecting. I have this hope that does not doubt his power, that he can come in dreams and inspire, that he can heal.

He is amazing, truly, he is the very definition of amazing. How often we forget his power, his overwhelming love, and his heart for humanity. My unbelief is like a cancer growing smaller and smaller in my body because I've been given a beautiful dose of faith in a way that I can never discount.

So yes, actions and words must be done and said in love and boldness, but as I have been challenged and I challenge the reader; be bold in your prayers, believe in nothing less than what the awesome power of God will do to answer those prayers spoken in complete faith. Be bold in words, actions, and prayer, don't give way to unbelief.

All to God.

At the Door

It has been a while since I wrote you last! My apologies, and more apologies. The time is slipping by so quickly and sometimes it's hard to keep current, however I will do my best to continue keeping you up to pace on my musings and such.

We have an emphasis on prayer. We have a mentality that if we are persistent at the door and knock that God will listen. Biblically, this is sound and we have been pounding on the door. We gather together on certain days and we lift our prayers up to God silently or out loud. Today was a rainy day, it literally rained all day long. As I looked out of the nearby window I saw umbrellas galore as the rain steadily fell from the sky.

I had a strange thought and I also thought to myself in that moment "Oh God, how you have made me to think of the cheesiest symbolisms throughout my life." This one was no different. As I stared at the abundance of umbrellas keeping heads dry I thought about one of the prayers that we pray a lot of the time.

For the Spirit to rain down on this place.

As I thought about this and noticed the umbrellas I felt it was the appropriate analogy for this place in a spiritual sense. You see, I believe that God's Spirit is moving and pouring out in abundance and we can see it in many people. However, there are many who seem immune to his working. The rain was pouring in abundance today, just as we pray for the Spirit to pour out in abundance all over this country. Many people just popped open their umbrellas and went about their day seemingly oblivious to the rain except for their initial response of repelling it or dodging it. 

This is my point, God's grace is abundant and sufficient, and it pours out like rain. Yet, many simply shield themselves off from this grace seemingly oblivious to the salvation and promise of eternity, they are not recognized as important, and so they walk through the rain and it never touches them.

This symbolism saddened me but as I heard the prayers of my friends being lifted up with honesty, thanks, and urgency I knew that God would answer them each in his own way. He already has answered our prayers in amazing ways and I know he will listen as we continue to knock at his door. 

May our perseverance continue to be strong in praying for this nation.

All to God

Exhausted

I don't get it. When will people understand that people are people and no matter what creed, race, religion, all are imperfect. I see the log in my eye and I understand that I am a girl who loves Jesus and cannot ever get it right. I can't love everyone all the time because frankly people are hard and sometimes nearly impossible to love. I tear myself apart wanting to yell at people forcing them to see my point for what it really is and knowing that I need to stay calm because slow and steady wins the race (not that I'm trying to win at anything).

The world wages a war, a war that no one on this earth will win. A war that says ALL Christians are the token children of hypocrisy and all things closed minded. A war that blames ALL Muslims for "holy wars" and terrorist attacks. A war that continues a battle for how our Earth began. A war that chooses to believe that ALL Atheists are unwilling to sit down and have a civilized conversation about God. A war that has confused love and obligation, faith and selfishness, intellect and ignorance.

It's exhausting, and I don't have an answer. I don't have answers to give people that don't believe the same as I do, otherwise my answer will be complete rubbish to their ears. I cannot give you the hard-nosed facts that you might be looking for...and no one else can either. My life revolves around one thing and one thing only: Serving Jesus with all I have.

My life does not revolve around church buildings, it does not have anything to do with multi-million dollar building funds. Nothing about my life has anything to do with what style of music you choose to play or how many people attend one congregation. It has nothing to do with an "experience" in a church. Oh and get this...the church building you stand in is not holy ground. God does not live there, get over it, it's just a brick building with a lot of fancy things in there. Also...and here's a kicker:

I don't need to see you just tell Bible stories from the pulpit. I need you to TEACH BELIEVERS HOW TO GO AND DISCIPLE because the world is dying. First and foremost I need leaders in churches to disciple their already existing believers. We don't need a feel good ceremony, nor a shaming ceremony.

The world wages a war. It rages a war because not many people how to love properly, and they don't know how to love generally. Stick with me as I, an imperfect follower of Jesus, am preaching to the choir. We are called to love the unbelievers and judge other believers out of LOVE and COMMITMENT to one another, not out of jealousy or hate. 

The war wages because we have yet to show the world who Jesus really is.

No, my life does not revolve around the word, or title "Christian" in fact I would be relieved if the word would be blotted out of existence forever. Can you tell I'm exhausted? Can you tell in the short life I have lived that I have come to some conclusions that even though men told me to believe some things that maybe...just maybe I might have found a better way? Maybe I have found that religion is like barnacles on the pilings of a pier. Adding on this and that, wavering here and there. Maybe I don't agree with some things being said from the pulpit on Sunday mornings, and maybe I don't agree with how clean the strategy of the church seems to be. I believe no religion, I have only one master in whom came life, and through whom sustains life. A master who loves and wants to be loved in return. A master who listens and responds. A master who is a rightful judge, and grace-filled one at that. 

I have the Words of my God, my Savior, and my Guide, who are one in the same. We call him Jesus, we call him Father, we call him Holy Spirit. You want me to fight with you about close-mindedness, homosexuality, Islam and jihad in the name of this religion, abortion, the big bang theory, or any other hot button thing in today's many world wars? Go ahead, I'm not going to fight you. I'm not into proving you wrong, or prove you right. You won't get to know me this way, and even if you don't want to know me or truly grasp what I believe why would I start a screaming match with you that neither of us will win? It's counterproductive on all sides. 

I'm not into fighting. Yes, I'm a soldier in this, but I'm not pointing any guns, just call me a field nurse. As for those fighting for the Church, we aren't called to fight flesh, so stop throwing grenades at those you want to share the Gospel with. This, too, is counterproductive. 

I'm torn to shreds at the way many of us reflect Jesus. He entrusted us with a task and we have adorned it with which type of worship music God accepts, and the young and old have their separate services (and the older generation wonders why the younger is sometimes so intolerant or disrespectful of their ways...you haven't taught them! You choose separation! And vice versa.) I am exhausted. 

If you found this harsh...maybe it was, or maybe you find it convicting. Maybe you agree with me. I'm not looking for affirmation. This may have been all over the place, it does feel like a little bit of my frustrations exploded, but there it is. 

I am called to love, and I accept this calling for what it means; to love. Yes, it's hard, nothing about this following Jesus business is easy...He didn't say it would be. In my life I am trying HARD to revolve everything around Jesus. It's a choice and choosing yes means going all in, giving no one a reason to dislike Jesus because of how you have portrayed him and those who love him. Yes, we are all imperfect and we will make mistakes, don't ever let anyone think otherwise as if you are above them, without sin. 

I am trying to swallow my own words. Go follow Jesus and abandon everything else that hinders you from this.

All to God

Tug O' War

We took something of a trip to Vienna, Austria this past weekend. Mainly for a routine 3 month "no more cancer" check-up for Beth (all is well!). Among all the public transportation that Vienna offers that is just so foreign to a girl who has to hop in the car make sure there is enough gas to get to the nearest Wal-Mart 20 minutes away from her home in the States, I had some time to think. If you have been following me on this crazy blog adventure that seems to never truly have a direction and are simply the wanderings of a young girl trying to figure out what it seems most people already have sorted out, you'll know that thinking is one of my favorite things and sometimes one of the worst things for me.

I was amazed to think that I have been here in Europe for a little over two months now. Even more amazed to think that I have no plans of leaving any time soon. I am triple amazed that God has opened this door to work in a land so rich in history, culture, and language. I am quadruple amazed by the people I know now and the directions and connections God has put in my path to these people. It's a bit flirty of me to say that here, I feel like adventure is at the doorstep, but it's true. I'm not saying that this life is better than any other's, what I am saying is that God couldn't have taken my heart into consideration more than he has knowing where I would be helpful and in what context.

It's a passion that plays a tug o' war (this came from my time to think). One side pulling towards this work in this place, and the other pulling towards a place far away that you call home. It's especially tense when issues are arising and have risen back home. The yearning to wrap your arms around hurting family members as life is not the same for them as it was before. Then there is the other side of the tension pulling just as hard; the passion and proclamation of a love so deep there is none like it.

And my heart aches for both.

However, I am confident in God's plan and while my heart is torn apart for issues beyond my tangible reach back home, I know that God has me here allowing me to trust in him more and then some. I do not question whether I should be here or at home during this time or not, I am sure this is where I am to be right here, right now. My heart is broken for a thing unsaid, but my faith is strong in Him who mends all things in His time which is perfection. I live in Europe, doing what I love most with some really great godly people and I could not be more blessed. It's not all roses over here either, but let's just say with what I get to wake up to, and the people I get to spend time with, and my God I get to serve, I have no room to complain.

But I do ask you my dear people, to pray for this unsaid thing concerning people back home. Thank you for your prayers...always...and never forget that.

All to God

Dirty Feet

There is something I do quite often here at night before I'm ready to go to bed. There are many nights I look down at my feet and think "this is unacceptable." The undersides of my feet will, quite frequently, look like I have been walking barefoot on dusty asphalt all day. It is only then that I realize that I don't want to put my nasty feet in my bed, so I go to the bathroom, hoist my legs over the tub, and wash them clean and pink as ever.

When I was in the States my feet didn't get nearly as dirty and I wore the exact same pair of flip-flops then as I do now. There have been a few variables that have changed to alter the cleanliness of my feet so dramatically. It is common to see me walking down the road rather than riding in a car because we don't have a car to ourselves. Much of the time our mentors need their car for this or that, and sometimes if we are going to the same place we can hitch a ride, but mostly our travelling is of the ambulatory sort.

Mostly the roads we walk down are main roads with cars zipping by; and the theme of the city seems to be construction these days. So dirt and dust flies around in the areas where they are installing roundabouts that another lovely foreign government paid for, and most days we walk through these places. There are plenty of times that we walk down a gravelly dirt road especially when we are in the villages to help with the overall visual of how my feet look by the end of the day. However, I cannot discount that my flip-flops are black and thus the blackness may be wearing off onto my feet. Oh, and the heat of the day doesn't help the sweating.

But why am I going on and on about the grossness of my feet in this post? Because I have drawn a strange but simple love for washing my feet. I feel cleaner, more relaxed, granted...even a little happier when my feet are clean. It's no wonder it was a cultural norm in the Bible after a greeting and a kiss from the host, providing water and sometimes a servant to wash the feet of the guests. There have only been sparse times in my life where I have looked at my feet and counted their state unacceptable, however it happens much more consistently here. I don't know how to say this without sounding really REALLY dorky but it does give me a little bit of a peace.

After I wash my feet I look at the cloth I used and it is filthy, and many times I imagine the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with her hair. I imagine how gross Jesus' feet must have been and how she gladly took away the dirt with her hair. It makes for some perspective on how precious Jesus truly is to the world. A woman whose body was likely her livelihood took it upon herself to go into a Pharisee's home and kneel down, publicly crying, using the water of her tears to first wash his feet, and then using the hair on her head to wipe them clean, all the while knowing and believing that he is the Savior of the world and caring for him so delicately. It's amazing.

Yes, these are the things I sometimes think about when I wash my own feet. You may think I am a strange person if you so wish. These have been my thoughts and ponderings in the short moments that I wash my feet and get ready for bed. May God remind me more of the happenings in his Word as I go about my daily life.

All to God

Cultural Intricacies and Other Thing I've Learned

There are so many intricacies to each culture. Every culture has similarities but no culture is the same, even if you are in one country you can find a variety of culture and you don't even have to cross a border. This place has many, many intricacies about it's culture and many times the way you make coffee in one area may be the "incorrect" way to make coffee in a different area. When learning a culture imitation can be the best teacher.

When speaking the language some words in some places can tell the person you are talking to where you are from, what your ethnicity is, or where you are learning the language. This is true in most cultures, nothing is simply cut and dry. If it were the world would be an easy, uncomplicated, rot of boring. We would figure each other out in seconds. Friendships wouldn't be born out of language blunders and jokes about those blunders later in the relationship when the language is finally learned for the foreigner. Reliance on the goodness of humanity to have patience and help you get something you need, or go where you need to go wouldn't be a necessity.

If you follow Jesus, learning the culture leads you to rely on God to put people in your path to help in such ways. You rely on him to take care of the things that can go on back home that are not pleasant, even though you would rather help take care of it yourself. You cannot have the patience it takes to deal with yourself and others without relying on God to give you that divine patience that only comes from him.

 If you plan to live in another culture, grace is everything. Even if it is grace to the waiter/waitress who gives you hot chocolate instead of the cappuccino you ordered, or looks at you funny when you clearly said you wanted a Fanta and asks you three times what you said. Also, grace for the bigger things like believers who are still a little shy about their faith to other non-believers, or non-believers who change the subject when the conversation starts getting to deep into a spiritual discussion. Because as believers we live in this vast and deep....very deep ocean of grace, even in the most frustrating things and people, we cannot act like we can't even spare a drop.

Also, just from my short time living overseas, I have to say that no matter the circumstances you must be thankful. Even if you feel as if you cannot be thankful in the moment, somewhere along the way landing on thankfulness is probably the most helpful thing in bringing perspective and a lot of joy. It can get hard, no doubt about it. Life is rough for anyone and when you are thousands of miles away from situations, and that far away from people you love, this is no exception.

I haven't lived here nearly as long as some others who moved here from their home cultures, but I can see these trends (or lack thereof) coming into play. I can see the necessity of God and his divine power to help us in our work, give us words, and help us lead a life that leads others to conviction. I understand the importance of other people, national people, and want and need their friendship.

I am so blessed to be here, blessed by people back home and their support and confidence in me. I am blessed by their prayers. I am thankful for these opportunities I am able to have for the declaration of the Kingdom because of those back home who see the importance of it. I thank you all.

All to God