White Carriage: Sensible Pumpkin

I think the worst thing about growing up is actually realizing that there is no other choice but to take up your responsibilities and deal with them like a man (or woman...). I think there comes a time in every young adults life where their internal clock strikes twelve and the beautiful carriage turns into a pumpkin that all of a sudden you realize you can cook and actually utilize.

I've been growing up in two contexts; one that taught me that I am responsible for myself and that people may help but in the end you must have the motivation yourself to take care of you. The other context is now currently teaching me that while the first context is correct, I also must be willing to help others, give of myself even when I get tired (...Do not grow weary of doing good deeds.) This context is stretching me beyond what I thought and I'm realizing that I can stretch more if need be.

I'm learning how to be a woman, in that I do not want to learn how to cook because it is thought to be my place, but because I want to make a home one day, and maybe I want my kids to say "my mom makes the best _____ ever." I'm learning by examples in life how a wife must respect her husband without being unheard. I am learning that virtue is rare these days and I should strive to have some. I've actually enjoyed the moments where in a Bosnian household they let me help serve the meals how every young woman learns how to serve the household and its guests.

But growing up has its advantages; you learn who you are, you find identity in Christ (if you believe in this sort of thing..I do.) You find out who your friends are, you figure out the kind of things you would want in a husband (or wife), no more wandering about, and when it finds you then it has found you. Yeah you might owe a lot of money because of those college years, but you also find out that money isn't everything and the good Lord provides for those who love him. You get to figure things out on your own.

You don't only have to rely on what you have been told, but rather what you make of it all.

Growing up is difficult and I have a lot of it yet to do. But I'm convinced that growing up does not include becoming this person who has it all figured out and gets to decide who hasn't made it to their level of maturity. I'm more inclined to believe it's a process full of laughter, grief, self-pity, achievement, motivation, selfishness, unselfishness, humility, self-realization, love, and lots of grace. It's a mess to grow up, with moments of clarity in between what seems like chaos; good or bad. 

Becoming an adult, whoever thought of such a crazy thing? But it's worth it in the end, especially if you have the privilege of a long life. Many of whom I know that have this privilege tell me that they still haven't grown up. I would have to agree that growing up is not a linear process, but a tangled mess without an end-point, and it is beautiful. For the most part I've enjoyed my tangled mess of adulthood as a woman and child of God. 

Growing and learning everyday, and that's just how it's got to be.

All to God

Raw

These days I have been thinking about my boundaries that I set for myself throughout my life and how they are hindering me (or, rather, I am hindering myself). So when I get in a situation of say, dancing at a special needs party with friends and wonderful kids who were made EXACTLY the way they were supposed to be, sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk and remind this heart of mine.

It's not about you.

I've likened it to raw skin (sorry to be so graphic). I've noticed how limited I have made myself and I have deemed it unfit to be part of the work being done here. So I'm lopping it off. I'm letting the raw skin angrily burn and I'm putting no band-aid over it. I'm allowing time and the soothing balm of self-growth to heal the rawness. I know this is all a little strange. 

So when I was at this party, which was entirely unexpected, I went to the bathroom in the beginning to obviously use for its intended purposes but also to say necessary words to myself. Emilie, go dance with these kids, you probably can't understand a word they say, but darn it...you go have fun with these people, and love them because it's all about loving them. Yes, I said something to this effect out loud to myself, because I just need to most of the time.

And guess what happened....it was awesome. They were so happy. I was so happy to show some love to these sweet people. I was blessed by them, overly blessed, I'm glad I got into the thick of things otherwise I would have been the stuck up, no fun, foreigner. I'd rather dwindle that down to just a foreigner (something I will never escape). 

So there will be other moments throughout life here that the raw skin will just have to ache and burn because in the end it's worth it. I've definitely not arrived, and I never will, however the road to arriving will be winding yet awesome. I hope you can understand what it is I am trying to say because sometimes stuff sounds better in my head. 

By the way...kids, they are something else. In a good way.

All to God

Breaking Boundaries Bit by Bit

There are all sorts of ways to have fun with other people, even people we don't know. There are also many unexpected ways to have fun with people who may be simply acquaintances with the possibility of becoming a good friend. To many to count really, and sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zones to find these people and have fun with them.

Never did I think I would find it in an Oriental dance class, and by "Oriental" I mean...mostly belly dancing.

Yes.

I said belly dancing.

Oh, but it's so much more.

If you know me at all you know that I don't like to dance seriously in public. I can only dance like a crazy person with no style or grace attached to my movements, however this class is all about style and grace and at first it made me feel very strange. I felt extremely out of place since Oriental style dancing has a few motions that I would not do outside of that classroom or maybe with a female audience of whom are my good friends. So when I heard that a lot of my teammates wanted to try out this class I was like...no absolutely not.

Then something convicted me. It's a good way to make friends, a good language lesson, and an overall great workout. Would I even begin to be a fool for the sake of the possibility to even speak Jesus into the life of another person I might meet in this class? So my answer changed to a whimpering ...ok, I guess I could give it a try. 

So I stepped across the boundary I had set for myself and I went. Come to find out we have the sweetest teacher we could possibly have for this class and as of recently found out that our classmates are just as sweet. I have moments that I think while in the class "did I ever think I would be so concerned with choreography in an Oriental dance class in Bosnia?" 

As I have come to find out while I have been here, I have drawn lines and noticed that I drew them in vain, because the very next step I must take is crossing those lines in order to grow. I often times hear "the reason you can't or aren't doing this is because you are the only one stopping you." I find this to ring true in my life more often than not, a hefty fault I must say. 

I know this dance class is just one of the many boundaries I have kept for myself that I must break down. In my "profession" there is little tolerance for inflexibility and hard boundaries. I'm glad I have kept with this class, I have met some good people through it and will continue to meet people. Because that's what it is about, the people. Some boundaries I have laid for myself are simply for the birds, and I don't need them. 

I have a lot to learn, and I'm sticking with that.

All to God

An Urgent Heart.

Ok, so by now all of you have lost faith in my blogging efforts and I could not blame any one of you in the least. My blogs have been sparse at best and I suppose that life has been going and maintaining a pace that is good and tiring. So now, gross and fresh, from the gym this morning I've sat down to write you and share something.

It's not you, it's me, you deserve better.

Anyway, let's just dive in to this mess I call thoughts from my brain.

Outside of general love for people, I have had a few people on my heart. It's not just as if I chose people at random, these are people whom I have felt desperately about. Mostly, I don't even know them very well, but it sickens my soul to think about them anywhere but inside the Savior's grace and love. 

I hope my soul stays sick for these people and many more. I want to feel the urgency, because in reality I don't have time to wait. In my humanness I continue to believe the lie that tomorrow is certain and by the very next word I type all will be the same as it was the sentence before. I know that if these people began their journey toward Christ it would probably not be a sprint but a marathon and I have no qualms with that. God is perfect and his timing is immaculate, he knows when to burden a heart and when to bring it peace and I rely on him.

I want them to know that someone already stood in their place to take away punishment. I want them to know that there is so much to life outside of this small state of consciousness. I want them to see their King and forget the disunity this country suffers, and I want them to seek to heal it with the love that they come to know. I love these people in general, and the ones who burn in my heart like a brand are a part of the whole. 

I don't know really what else to write, you understand what I'm getting at. You may have even felt the sickening in your soul when you thought about certain people being outside of Christ. It's a sort of sickening that you feel and think about constantly, and in contrast to the negative connotation that "sickening" brings with it, this you might admit is a motivational "sickening."

Please be praying for me as I seek God's wisdom and his timing and as I pray for these individuals. Pray that I may have the Spirit's leading when it comes to having conversations with these people, and be praying for dreams that God might visit them when they sleep. As always, thank you for your prayers and sparing a thought here and there, they are precious to me.

All to God.

The Good Change

Things often change. Many, many times it's a change that we do not enjoy. We have this mindset that if a time is good then it shouldn't change because for a while it's something we can count on, it feels stable, there are lots of laughs, people are kind, and hope doesn't seem so destitute.

Then it does. Then it changes and life is miserable again, friends move on in life, the laughter isn't the noise filling up a room, and now it seems everything is balancing on a teeter totter. Well...this blog post isn't about how everything constantly changes and becomes terrible. This is about a change, one that is constantly getting more and more stable the longer life goes on.

There is something that I have learned and been changing with over the past few months. Much of my mature life in following Jesus I have had this concept that actions must be bold, what we do and say must be bold for the sake of the Gospel. This concept is correct, however I was missing something that is so elementary and I am amazed at my unbelief.

I believe in the power of prayer, I always have, I know that God works through our petitions. I have read in the Bible over and over the prayers of faithful men and women who cried out to God and he answered their prayers in miraculous ways, none of which can be explained away. I grew up knowing that prayer was our gateway to God only through the sacrifice of Jesus. However, I can't continue to pretend that for a lot of my life I felt completely sure that my prayers will be answered. I knew that God heard what I had to say, but many times I questioned my belief that my prayers would be answered.

But, change has happened in a most definite way, a way that I was not expecting. Because of where we work, we lift up prayers for dreams and visions of Jesus, and wouldn't you know it...they are HAPPENING. I have always believed that God can do these things, I suppose sometimes when I prayed for wonderful things to happen somewhere in my heart there was a hint of doubt. Now there is 0% doubt in my heart that God will listen and provide what needs to happen to those he is calling to himself.

Through praying for others God has answered a prayer I have had for my life, that he would rid any of the residue of unbelief from my being. This is a change that will not feel unstable, never downturn, always constant and faithful. Although it is his will not mine that I want to be done, so I have an understanding that sometimes what I pray may be answered in different ways other than I was expecting. I have this hope that does not doubt his power, that he can come in dreams and inspire, that he can heal.

He is amazing, truly, he is the very definition of amazing. How often we forget his power, his overwhelming love, and his heart for humanity. My unbelief is like a cancer growing smaller and smaller in my body because I've been given a beautiful dose of faith in a way that I can never discount.

So yes, actions and words must be done and said in love and boldness, but as I have been challenged and I challenge the reader; be bold in your prayers, believe in nothing less than what the awesome power of God will do to answer those prayers spoken in complete faith. Be bold in words, actions, and prayer, don't give way to unbelief.

All to God.

At the Door

It has been a while since I wrote you last! My apologies, and more apologies. The time is slipping by so quickly and sometimes it's hard to keep current, however I will do my best to continue keeping you up to pace on my musings and such.

We have an emphasis on prayer. We have a mentality that if we are persistent at the door and knock that God will listen. Biblically, this is sound and we have been pounding on the door. We gather together on certain days and we lift our prayers up to God silently or out loud. Today was a rainy day, it literally rained all day long. As I looked out of the nearby window I saw umbrellas galore as the rain steadily fell from the sky.

I had a strange thought and I also thought to myself in that moment "Oh God, how you have made me to think of the cheesiest symbolisms throughout my life." This one was no different. As I stared at the abundance of umbrellas keeping heads dry I thought about one of the prayers that we pray a lot of the time.

For the Spirit to rain down on this place.

As I thought about this and noticed the umbrellas I felt it was the appropriate analogy for this place in a spiritual sense. You see, I believe that God's Spirit is moving and pouring out in abundance and we can see it in many people. However, there are many who seem immune to his working. The rain was pouring in abundance today, just as we pray for the Spirit to pour out in abundance all over this country. Many people just popped open their umbrellas and went about their day seemingly oblivious to the rain except for their initial response of repelling it or dodging it. 

This is my point, God's grace is abundant and sufficient, and it pours out like rain. Yet, many simply shield themselves off from this grace seemingly oblivious to the salvation and promise of eternity, they are not recognized as important, and so they walk through the rain and it never touches them.

This symbolism saddened me but as I heard the prayers of my friends being lifted up with honesty, thanks, and urgency I knew that God would answer them each in his own way. He already has answered our prayers in amazing ways and I know he will listen as we continue to knock at his door. 

May our perseverance continue to be strong in praying for this nation.

All to God

Exhausted

I don't get it. When will people understand that people are people and no matter what creed, race, religion, all are imperfect. I see the log in my eye and I understand that I am a girl who loves Jesus and cannot ever get it right. I can't love everyone all the time because frankly people are hard and sometimes nearly impossible to love. I tear myself apart wanting to yell at people forcing them to see my point for what it really is and knowing that I need to stay calm because slow and steady wins the race (not that I'm trying to win at anything).

The world wages a war, a war that no one on this earth will win. A war that says ALL Christians are the token children of hypocrisy and all things closed minded. A war that blames ALL Muslims for "holy wars" and terrorist attacks. A war that continues a battle for how our Earth began. A war that chooses to believe that ALL Atheists are unwilling to sit down and have a civilized conversation about God. A war that has confused love and obligation, faith and selfishness, intellect and ignorance.

It's exhausting, and I don't have an answer. I don't have answers to give people that don't believe the same as I do, otherwise my answer will be complete rubbish to their ears. I cannot give you the hard-nosed facts that you might be looking for...and no one else can either. My life revolves around one thing and one thing only: Serving Jesus with all I have.

My life does not revolve around church buildings, it does not have anything to do with multi-million dollar building funds. Nothing about my life has anything to do with what style of music you choose to play or how many people attend one congregation. It has nothing to do with an "experience" in a church. Oh and get this...the church building you stand in is not holy ground. God does not live there, get over it, it's just a brick building with a lot of fancy things in there. Also...and here's a kicker:

I don't need to see you just tell Bible stories from the pulpit. I need you to TEACH BELIEVERS HOW TO GO AND DISCIPLE because the world is dying. First and foremost I need leaders in churches to disciple their already existing believers. We don't need a feel good ceremony, nor a shaming ceremony.

The world wages a war. It rages a war because not many people how to love properly, and they don't know how to love generally. Stick with me as I, an imperfect follower of Jesus, am preaching to the choir. We are called to love the unbelievers and judge other believers out of LOVE and COMMITMENT to one another, not out of jealousy or hate. 

The war wages because we have yet to show the world who Jesus really is.

No, my life does not revolve around the word, or title "Christian" in fact I would be relieved if the word would be blotted out of existence forever. Can you tell I'm exhausted? Can you tell in the short life I have lived that I have come to some conclusions that even though men told me to believe some things that maybe...just maybe I might have found a better way? Maybe I have found that religion is like barnacles on the pilings of a pier. Adding on this and that, wavering here and there. Maybe I don't agree with some things being said from the pulpit on Sunday mornings, and maybe I don't agree with how clean the strategy of the church seems to be. I believe no religion, I have only one master in whom came life, and through whom sustains life. A master who loves and wants to be loved in return. A master who listens and responds. A master who is a rightful judge, and grace-filled one at that. 

I have the Words of my God, my Savior, and my Guide, who are one in the same. We call him Jesus, we call him Father, we call him Holy Spirit. You want me to fight with you about close-mindedness, homosexuality, Islam and jihad in the name of this religion, abortion, the big bang theory, or any other hot button thing in today's many world wars? Go ahead, I'm not going to fight you. I'm not into proving you wrong, or prove you right. You won't get to know me this way, and even if you don't want to know me or truly grasp what I believe why would I start a screaming match with you that neither of us will win? It's counterproductive on all sides. 

I'm not into fighting. Yes, I'm a soldier in this, but I'm not pointing any guns, just call me a field nurse. As for those fighting for the Church, we aren't called to fight flesh, so stop throwing grenades at those you want to share the Gospel with. This, too, is counterproductive. 

I'm torn to shreds at the way many of us reflect Jesus. He entrusted us with a task and we have adorned it with which type of worship music God accepts, and the young and old have their separate services (and the older generation wonders why the younger is sometimes so intolerant or disrespectful of their ways...you haven't taught them! You choose separation! And vice versa.) I am exhausted. 

If you found this harsh...maybe it was, or maybe you find it convicting. Maybe you agree with me. I'm not looking for affirmation. This may have been all over the place, it does feel like a little bit of my frustrations exploded, but there it is. 

I am called to love, and I accept this calling for what it means; to love. Yes, it's hard, nothing about this following Jesus business is easy...He didn't say it would be. In my life I am trying HARD to revolve everything around Jesus. It's a choice and choosing yes means going all in, giving no one a reason to dislike Jesus because of how you have portrayed him and those who love him. Yes, we are all imperfect and we will make mistakes, don't ever let anyone think otherwise as if you are above them, without sin. 

I am trying to swallow my own words. Go follow Jesus and abandon everything else that hinders you from this.

All to God