Times Square Jesus

This past weekend I went to a new land. A land where grass is not terribly abundant, where life moves fast, and where the buildings are so tall that you feel like you are inside the whole time.

New York City! Where the stink is the sky? For this country raised individual it was rather fun to see a big city crammed together and to figure out how this thing works. Not that I haven't ever been to a big city before but this is NYC, hasn't this place been destroyed by aliens and other astronomical events about 100 times? I mean I've been to Tulsa and other places like it, but this had a different energy.

I wouldn't mind going back but if I do go back I might take a few musically inclined people with me because of a few reasons:

A) There were a group of Hindu people in the street just singing what seemed to be a joyful song and all the people crowded around seemed happy about it, which leads to this contrast...

B) All those who professed Christianity were screaming on the streets all these negative things, not letting the gospel do its job. They didn't allow for people to see Jesus.

Musically inclined people get your guitars tuned. I wouldn't mind going back and singing songs of hope on the street. I wouldn't mind going back and showing Christ right there on the street, none of this REPENT OF YOUR DIRTY SINS! Or GOD HATES EVIL! Some group of African American men were dressed in armor and yelled something out followed by BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN WHITE JESUS! Saturday night, Times Square....they were yelling a message of ridicule.

Made me want to join the Hindus.

But this city, like any city, is filled with good people. The whole time, I was having a fantastic time, but I couldn't help but wonder what would come of a simple gospel message through a great song on Times Square on a Saturday night. Do people need to repent? Of course, but that will come, it is an inevitable thing when someone accepts Jesus into their lives. 

But that's just me I suppose.

All to God

Stuck on Job

Can you draw out Leviathan with a hook in which you lower?. . .

No one is so fierce that he would stir him up.

Who then is able to stand against ME?

Who has preceded ME that I should pay him?

Everything under ME is MINE.

For those of you who don't know, Leviathan was thought to be either an earthly being or a mythical creature made up in ancient times. Nonetheless, God uses the description of Leviathan to show strength in creation and how powerful it can be. Then he puts it back into perspective, if God is creator of all things then Leviathan is a being created by God. God is greater than creation, this monster he speaks of is no threat to him whatsoever. 

But Job complained about his situation, and a sorrowful one it was. Boils, family destroyed, left with nothing but sackcloth and ashes. Though Job passed his test in the end I'd have to say that God had to prove a point to Job, that God is God in and through everything. Job was creation, Job was being terrorized by a created being, Job felt helpless and was ready for death. 

God had other plans, he decided to show Job who was in control of everything even the terrible Leviathan. He was and is God of all, and we should never be so put down that we are ready to give up on everything. God is God in and through everything. 

Job is one of my favorite books of the Bible because God really shows us who it is that holds the universe in hand. He even reveals places that he has been on, in, and around the earth while asking Job a series of questions:

Have you entered the springs of the sea?

Or have you walked in search of the depths?

Have the gates of death been revealed to you?

Or have you seen the doors of the shadow of death?

It's amazing to me that even now no man can delve to the depths of the ocean without his lungs bursting because of the pressure. He asks Job these things, and Job never even knew the technology we would have to get to the depths would even be available, yet God asks him this and with a resounding NO as the answer. 

Though Job is perceived to be a very very biblical ancient writing, application for today is ridiculous; hard times fall on a friend, friends come to console with maybe not so good advice or judgment, then God shows his power. 

God is God in and through everything.

All to God

How he speaks

So I've talked about my little testimony up here before. I have admitted that it is not the most fantastic, people won't be in awe, it's a simple, Bible belt/Christian family testimony. I've always thought it would be great to have a wonderful awe-inspiring testimony of how I came to know Christ but then I realize that's like saying:

"God I'm glad I know you, but couldn't you have come to me in a more dramatic way?"

The truth is the dramatic ways in which God comes into someone's life can come with a price. Though Jesus has already paid our ransom for as far as our sin goes, people in this world may not understand why we chose the path we have. It may even cost us our lives, or put a price on our heads (in extreme cases). But we count this world for not.

Anyway my point is, I think I figured out why my testimony is the way it is. Praise God I even have a testimony, a story of how I came to find him among the rubble of this life. 

I think my testimony, being as simple as it can be, was meant for me because maybe I was supposed to only see by faith. Now, all of us are called to walk by faith, but hear me out. Many people in their testimonies have seen great things, dreams, asking for some proof and immediately getting it, or other ways. I saw none of these things, I merely looked at what my mother taught me and challenged it until I was sure that what she was talking about was real. 

I felt inside when I did something bad, against God's commands, my gut would churn with guilt. Just feelings and my curiosity of my mother's teachings brought me to really be faithful to God. I saw the minimum.

There was no BAM, that just happened, kind of moment.

It was more like an "alright God, I've studied enough, I've heard enough I can say I believe in you now". It felt spectacular when I knew, but years following it felt general, it felt like common knowledge. But as life progressed I felt more and more that this knowledge is actually not very common, and people have warped views of my God. I feel like I have followed by faith, with very little sight, although I hunger for sight. 

That's not saying that I am holier than the person reading this right now, because my faith, at times, was very thin. I pleaded for sight, a real sign, significant even. But if I ever did receive something like a dream or something it was subtle, God is a God of subtlety at least for me. But ironically enough when I find the subtlety it SCREAMS at me once noticed. 

This is how God has chosen to speak to me in my life thus far.

How does he speak to you?

All to God

Check yourself

Lately I have been contemplating about whether or not I act more like a pagan or like the Christian I profess to be. There are different ways in which one can slip into less than stellar Christian character:

In the mind

In our words

In our actions

In what we watch

In what we listen too

I've been re-evaluating what it is that I do in all these aspects. I got to tell you that it's strange to ask yourself "am I a pagan in this aspect of my life?" Since school started a small part of me is tired, and lacking, and tearing my nerves up, and all that junk that comes along with school, and well....life.

Then I start to wonder if apathy is starting to invade my life. I quickly start to pray that it will go away, that the fire can be stoked again in my heart. But when apathy starts to grow, what I listen to, what I think, what I feel, and what I say can start to waver. It's not a comfortable feeling but once ingrained it's hard to get rid of. 

It's something to overcome and it happens to us all. Pagan is such a harsh thing to call someone let alone yourself. Something I never want to fess up and call myself. Check yourself.

All to God

I get frustrated.

I suppose I am at a level of frustration. I suppose I really just want to ask the question:

Do you love Jesus enough to go ANYWHERE for him?

When you say, "Oh I maybe could go one day somewhere different and minister". One day? I'm not buying it. If we are commissioned to go to the world now then what's with this "one day..." stuff? I don't want to hear anymore of this "When I get myself straight financially..." stuff anymore. I'm tired of the cop outs. I'm tired of excuses. 

I'm tired of statements that make stalling to GO seem justifiable.

I'm done with those who are supposed to be spiritual leaders not taking leaps of faith, and just not leading. I'm tired of being a woman and not seeing men step up where they are needed. I'm tired of being a woman and seeing other women not be strong women of God because their focus is not there. 

Would you go to slums, projects, or villages and live there to be witnesses of Christ? Slums in India, projects in NYC, or in the villages of Southeast Asia? Would you be a Jonah? 

Kicking and screaming and still pouting after all was said and done?

Or an Isaiah?

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:

'Whom shall I send?

And whom shall go for Us?'

Then I said, 'Here am I Lord! Send me!'

Do you love Him enough to be sent in blind? Do you have that kind of faith? All I know is, I'm tired of it. There are to many Jonah's who never even have enough faith to fess up that they are the one's causing the storm and let the boat be crushed to pieces. 

I'm over the excuses. I thank God for all types of ministries, especially the one's we simply live out with our lives primarily. This is not a missions push. This is not a my ministry is better than yours thing. It's an are you willing to go anywhere for the God who saved your soul and pay it forward? Thing. Yes, I'm sick of the apathy and people doing the comfortable thing. 

It's something I cannot tolerate anymore. Don't tell me you couldn't do it. Don't let me hear "It takes a special kind of person to go over there..." Don't give me the excuse that you're to old. Don't tell me you want to "live your life first". Don't tell me you couldn't go without what you have now. Don't give me this junk. 

I won't take it or believe it. WE ARE CALLED TO DO THIS, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE.

THE CHURCH, BELIEVERS, THE BODY.

ALL OF US.

Please don't give me weak excuses, I've heard most of them. This includes ministry in America as well. Don't get it twisted. We are called to do the job. We are qualified by blood and guided by an undeserved gift. We squander this opportunity. 

Please go. Please.

Go and do work for the Lord.

Please go and love and work.

Get out there in this world.

Please just stop making excuses and GO.

Please.

All to God

Oh the past...

So do you ever have those moments when you remember something you did in your past and have a gut wrenching embarrassment in the pit of your stomach even if nobody knows about it? Yeah, everybody has stuff they did that they are not proud of.

Sometimes we let it eat at us which furthers the embarrassment, even if that embarrassing memory lives only in your mind.

Then you think "Oh dear...yep, God knows about it." Then you start to feel unworthy and worse..worthless. Sometimes it can leave a pit in your stomach. Well, yeah, God knows about it...okay, so what do you do?

It's been a relief for me to actually acknowledge this thing that gnaws at me in His presence, such as in times of prayer. It's also a relief to me to see the cross that means forgiveness, but leave the foot of the cross and carry mine in a more righteous way as best I can.

I bring this up because sometimes conversations with friends are revealing. I write this in a very thankful mood. Thankful to know that other people aren't perfect either, and God still loves them too. Thankful for friends who don't expect judgement from me so I get no judgement from them. Thankful for Biblical characters who were real showing their embarrassing downfalls yet God still saw them as righteous such as David.

Whatever I've done, whatever you've done, chances are...it's not the first time a godly person has let themselves and God down in the way you have or I have. We are imperfect, it's not an excuse, but it is a reality.

We feel bad because we strive to be perfect in God's eyes

The truth is we WILL let God down, and the truth is he KNEW we would. The embarrassment we feel, the smallness we feel inside of ourselves, it serves it's purpose. For a time it keeps us humble, it keeps us down to earth. But sooner or later, life has to continue and these memories may be a part of your past but they don't have to be a part of your future. 

So basically....

A lot of us are in the same boat

Oh and one more thing, the word hypocrite is poison to your heart

Quite calling yourself that

God loves us, imperfections and all, which is one thing I love about God..among so many others. If we stand up straight and take on what we've done and decide to carry that cross a little more confidently understanding humility in our imperfection, we should not use the word hypocrite inside of ourselves. 

It's good to be in the same boat, it is certainly a way to get close to others.

All to God

It was not a dream

Since I've been back in the States for this amount of time I have to keep reminding myself "it was NOT a dream". Sometimes I catch myself in a daydream mode and I suddenly remember that no, I have not been here more than a month yet, so why does it all seem like it's been going on forever?

In these daydream dazes I catch myself in, I become reminded of a certain thing that happened in Bosnia. If someone misspells something, for example if I type "I was writing my bog" when instead I meant "I was writing my blog" I look at the misspelled word and immediately think "God". Why? Well Bog (B-oh-g) in Bosnian means God. These unexpected reminders flash memories in my mind and then I think "right, I was there".

After these simple reminders I start remembering what little time I've been in the States and how much I have been doing since I got here. Unfortunately it's very hard to share your excitement for a place like Bosnia in a place where people know very little about the place and frankly will only tolerate about a 5 minute conversation about it. It's even more frustrating when you have no one to practice language with.

Because let's be honest..

If I just start speaking randomly, it's just random..

Also, everyone around me is apt to use the phrase "showing off"..

So as close as this past summer is, it seems far away. The experience was significant, the decisions were real, and the people are missed. It's those simple glimpses of the summer that makes me think "what happened to that?" 

I guess I feel like I got used to this normal rather quickly and it's slightly disheartening how I've melded into this place without much talk of this summer. Talking about it is good. With people who are interested. That's always good. 

So yeah that's a tidbit of what I'm feeling right now.

All to God