Singularity

A sensitive subject, one that many people like me would love to erase from our daily living or at least remedy the situation. One that seems daunting and not so easy to just live with at times. It is partially our fault why we live with this label and it doesn't necessarily hold a negative connotation. The solution comes with stipulations and preference that we must be careful to not overlook, and not overdo when applying this solution into our lives. So here it is:

Being Single.

It's something that plagues both men and women alike, and it can feel like freedom and a cage all at the same time. I don't normally complain about this part of my life because my philosophy is keep living a life for the Lord and either he will allow someone to come into this life of mine or fulfill this life in a whole different way. Either way I am not lacking, and I know this for certain.

But as women are mostly wired to want this relationship with a mate or potential mate it can get a bit...sad. This dip in the road in some cases last for a very long time, but in cases such as mine they last in short intervals. It happens when I see people truly in love with each other and our God, it is almost like the perfect team. It happens when media gets in the way and I watch one of those dastardly love movies that I normally try to avoid. But both of these scenarios do not come without a bit of joy, knowing that the so in love couple whose love exudes love for God and from God makes the world a better place and the Lord is glorified in it. 

I am extremely fortunate that God chose me for the work that I will do. I'm glad that I can read about single women missionary predecessors who have weathered this storm brilliantly. They are an inspiration and God certainly has given women a strength that many cannot fathom. I undoubtedly have my bouts of "why can't I have that?" However, every time I ask that question God almost immediately answers back convincing me that I am really okay. 

I thought about this the other day, about if I am no man's bride, no man's love, how inevitably one day I will meet my first love, the one that death will never separate, the one I will literally abide with forever. I know it sounds super-spiritual, but how beautiful will that be, to look directly into the eyes of Jesus and have him say with his very mouth the words "I love you, and always have." I mean yes, the love of a man is beautiful and when that love is reciprocated there is a bond like nothing else on earth. I'm not going to lie and say that it is not something I hope for myself one day, but I am constantly comforted by the peace and love of God. Many days I feel fulfilled and pleased with my status in life.

The standard "graduate from college, marry your sweetheart, have a couple of babies" thing doesn't always find itself in our paths. For those who do find it in your path, it is wonderful, and it is a joyous thing! For those of us still walking our journey with just the good ol' Holy Spirit, we too are blessed with the abundance and fullness that life brings, and we should never think of ourselves as less, or only a half of something because it is God that makes us whole. 

So yes, I'm single, sometimes I really don't want to be, other times I'm perfectly content in doing so. Either way I am completely blessed with people I love surrounding me every single day, and I'm never alone. All my single ladies, can I get an amen? 

All to God

Exit Hibernation

Are there ever days when you wake up in a state of constant awareness that this has all been done before? This week has mashed itself together in one long day it seems. It's been gloomy and cold, almost had a good snow but then it realized where it was falling and decided to go somewhere else. No part of me has wanted to go out in this weather, the still cold (although better than a windy cold) eerily making everything stop.

I've been caught in this perpetual wake-up, stay warm, go to bed life all week. It's a pity because I had plans of running and taking pictures that no one cares to see. All day spent held up in this house having the choice to leave but none of the want to face the cold and ice. So here I sit in my ongoing day. I'm not complaining of course, one can do a lot of thinking and imagining in circumstances like this, however the body does tend to scream for some sort of physically challenging movement.

But today I see Robins out in the yard which leads me to believe that though it is January (still), that warmth and playing in the sun are not far off. So since I have time and the need for some things to be accomplished I will try and get them done although there are times of more waiting and boredom, it's not always Netflix and vegetable beef soup.

In hopes of an early Spring and the sun rekindling its love for the earth, I bid you adieu.

All to God

Where I Came From

Today I was thinking about my journey into the world of ministering on a global level. I often think about how I would like to help people and gain relationships, and love people until they see the love of Christ. But today I was thinking of something different, I was thinking of the people God put in my path to guide me down this ministry path.

I began to think "how timely" as most of my big life changes that correspond with God's plans end in that sort of thought. Seriously though, it could not have come at a better point in my life; 18 and vulnerable. Oh yes, she was stubborn as all get out but when she saw something laid out by God she knew she had to chase it. Through trial and error, nonsense and making sense, these people found her in pivotal moments. Moments when she was pliable yet strong-willed, a perfect combination of being molded and determined.

Some of these people directed my character, others my ambition, and still others convicted me in my faith. It was as if God had assembled the perfect team to guide me along His path. The perfect thing is that he was holding my hand the whole time while his team made efforts at my back to encourage me to take the next step, while blind-folded.

All who had their hand in bringing out the woman I am today are people whom I love so very much. They've given me the tools necessary to become a more godly woman throughout life and in the work I hope to do. My mentors, family, and friends are God given and I do not doubt that in the least.

I love days where I just think of people joyfully and gratefully, giving God the thanks and glory for putting them in this life we are living. That 18 year old, she's long since changed, and I'm glad of it. But she adds significance in who I am today, she is "where I came from."

I am so grateful for those who have been at my back telling me to take the next step, just keep walking, don't be afraid where your foot might land. These people will always be in my heart and I will always think about them fondly. I am grateful to God for allowing each and every one to reach so deeply into my life, seeing potential, and helping me grow into who I am.

All to God

How Beautiful are the Feet...

Can life ever be simple after allowing something so bold as the Great Commission to be such a prevalent thing in a person's existence? The answer is no, there is no way that any kind of life can be a simple one after realizing the deepness of this call. Am I saying it's complicated? Sometimes, but I am going more along the lines of there is a great task ahead of us and with this task comes responsibility.

There is a space in my brain where I have this clear picture. This picture consists of a wide open sky, beautiful and huge right in front of me. It also consists of all the things the world is worried about; money, technology, style, comforts, you name it and my back is facing it. This vision is not something that is conveying my perfection and that my back is turned to worldly things....not at all. It is a picture that breathes relief into my life. One in which I truly imagine these things as rubbish and the big beautiful sky being the "big picture" and how focusing on this makes life exciting and worthwhile.

This past week I was in training and as I was training I thought to myself "what a crazy responsibility God has given me." As a disclaimer...all Christians are given this responsibility, it's not just for pastors or missionaries or youth workers. But I really just sat down and thought about how much God is trusting me to be faithful with this message, how much he trusts that I might utilize the Spirit at work, and how deep the roots of this call really do go.

My life as a lover of the Gospel must be facing toward this beautiful "big picture" and the worldly things need to be left behind. The workers should indeed breath in the air from this blue sky and feel new and alive in the task.

I saw myself talking to and working alongside workers for the Lord this past week, and that in itself gave me hope. It's so good to see the transparency of true people of God, even if we have just met! The cool thing is that God has set up a system which makes for fail-safe fellowship. No matter if I don't see them again until Jesus comes back, I know my brothers and sisters are working in faith and one day, on the greatest day perhaps, I will see them as we are all welcomed into the realm of God.

I was encouraged this week, I was humbled, and I was challenged. I frequently went to that place in my mind where that picture is stored and took a deep breath every time. I sensed how much my life has been un-ordinary even through the lapses of the mundane because of the greatest call to all those believers in mankind. As we talked about issues facing the mission field and also just how our incredible God has moved in many ways throughout the world it is hard not to stand in awe of him in spite of difficulty.

I'd say this trip was a success, gaining friends, knowledge, and a little spiritual kick in the pants made for a great week. I am thankful that I was able to go, and thankful for the program itself for training well. I am blessed by the support and excitement of an organization, the support of so many individuals, and the love of so many.

All to God

If I Were the Queen of the Forest

If I were the queen of the forest. If I were the queen of the forest, I'm certain it would burn directly to the ground. After every intention of helping it prosper and doing everything in my will to sustain it, the inevitable would take its course. Whether it be by invasion, lightening strike, my very own campfire, eventually my kingdom (queendom?) would falter into smoldering ash.

Why am I saying all of this nonsense? Because through life, if faith prevails above all else, then the hollowing out of ourselves and the filling of the Spirit will take place. Therefore, neither I nor my brother (or sister) can claim king or queenship, even to ourselves. I am not the master of me, you are not the master of you, and we never will be no matter how much we try, how successful we are, nor how trendy it seems.

Your Kingdom come Thy will be done...

Simply, we are creation, created by a King, which in turn makes us all heirs to something. That something came to us through the Prince of Peace, who is also King of all, who has known us since he placed us in the womb. He made us heirs of salvation, and inheriting this wasn't cheap. It didn't come without spilled blood, it didn't come without mockery, and doubt, and it certainly didn't come without proof. He came down to seek us and tell us with his own mouth that this earth will fade away and we will be brought to everlasting communion with God our King.

On Earth as it is in Heaven.

But to claim for ourselves kingship over this earth, or ourselves, is selfish and naive. Our love is to be stretched farther, our faith should persevere and drill through the mountain of uncertain, untrustworthy, selfish power in this world. Our humility is supposed to go to ourselves unnoticed as we walk daily in the Lord. This hollowing of ourselves creates the need for fulfillment in the Holy Spirit.

These are simple flowing thoughts. If I was queen of the forest, nothing would survive. Since God is King I need not worry about where the Robin will place her nest, I am blessed enough by the King to enjoy the Robin when she sings and know that she is thriving.

All to God

It's Late, Again.

Ok, so I know I've already posted...well now it would be yesterday, let's just say recently. But I was reading back over my It's Late post from a waaaayyyyyysss back there. So I decided to do another one, hopefully I won't bore you.

A list of things about myself in no particular order:

- I am currently unemployed with no prospects of a job
- I now know what I am going to do after college because I have graduated but getting there is nerve-racking, and I'm hoping that my nerves will calm down with time.
- I'm still living with my parents........no shame....it's only for a little while.
- It's actually easy for me to love those who don't love Christ (I don't say that to brag...what's to brag about?)
- I still would love to take a bunch of my good friends and travel, take pictures and make silly videos.
-Whether or not anyone knows it, I'm becoming much more emotional than I used to be. I find myself fighting back tears a lot more these days.
- The only thing that sucks about being a missionary is knowing that my family and a lot of my friends are going to be so far away, and I chose for this to happen.
- But then I think about God leading me and I get super excited.
- How am I going to continue to pay off my student loans? Hmm....let's hope God grants me some awesome supporters.
- I might like coffee a little too much, there I've confessed.
- I'm still my greatest enemy
- I still really heart banjo...never gonna change.
- I'm learning from something I've heard way to much; "If your bored, it's your own fault."
- People keep telling me that the place I am going to is full of people who want to kill me............This is really racist and I'm tired of it. I get it, precaution and safety are valuable, one day hey..they might just be right. But most of these people have only ever served me food and coffee and some good laughs, not a knife to the throat or gun to the head.
- Whoa this list just took a harsh turn. Calm down, girl, calm down.
- ^ Sometimes I have to talk myself out of working myself up....
- Let's end on a good note: This Christmas I was blessed to be able to give.
- And..Adventure Time for the win (so I'm still a child sometimes, oh well.)

Well there's the list, there's a lot more but that's not meant for the interwebs. Thanks for reading about my babbling inside my head. It's late again..

All to God

Radically Dysfunctional

I've been thinking a lot about what a "radical" Christian looks like. Radical as in, radical in faith, and love, truth, boldness, courage, bearing burdens, lightening the yoke. I've thought about what it is to be radical in this world as a follower of Jesus, to deny myself of myself, to put away crude humor and step away from thinking that it's ok. Taking the time to evaluate the motives I have behind doing certain things, thinking certain things, and saying certain things that I have deemed good...yet not righteous....but good, just above where the line is drawn.

And I'm overwhelmed......

My selfishness wants to watch movies that are funny and humorous, that seem to be "not the worst" because there was no nudity or anything physically sexual happening on screen. But the crudeness is what can slither in and take hold. How is crudeness and laugh-ability in any way glorifying God when it makes me cynical.

My selfishness also wants to laugh at crude jokes on the internet, view "comical" videos that aren't joyful in any way or making me think good thoughts by the end. If it doesn't edify then why do I identify? (See what I did there?) BECAUSE....like many, I am self-conscious and figuring out this life that I live, and how I can live it better all the while knowing that there should be no "holier than thou" speak to pass through my lips!

It's easier for me to go through life looking like everyone else, rather than going through this life looking like a scar-filled messed up person who is doing something about the mess that she has acquired for herself because she knows that Jesus has done the impossible to make her life impossibly shine so bright before mankind. (Terribly long sentence, English majors...shun me now).

I cannot follow my heart...it will lead me to destruction. My heart is simply an organ, one that humans have used as the access point of love and the way to the "narrow path" but you know...I'm not believing this is so anymore. Being radical in love, faith, truth, bearing a load, taking up the cross, etc., comes from relying HEAVILY on the Holy Spirit. My heart can only lead me to selfishness and desires that remain in this fleshy form, because..it is flesh.

My God, my Father, my King, is the only being that can lead myself to radically loving him and loving others without fail. But he knows that failure is inevitable in this tiny form I am currently in, this, my friends is why he has promised us guidance through his Spirit and this is what we can and do miss on a  DAILY basis. I find this ridiculous, the Holy Spirit, this divine Spirit of God, in turn, simply God himself saying "ask for me, I will lead you into places unknown and make you a beacon for my glory everyday." THIS IS PHENOMENAL.

I'm baffled by how lazy I am in the Spirit. I'm baffled by the love that surrounds me in this divine measure. I'm baffled that He hasn't given up on me. I'm baffled that because of me, many who have rejected God, never knew him, or have strange concepts of God STILL DON'T KNOW HIM like I do. Like many do.

I love him, and I love who he loves. Do my actions show it? Does my life reflect it? Have I been poisoned by media, and materialism, and keeping my life so much that I have no room for the Spirit to lead me to be drenched in pursuing his Kingdom for the Kingdom no matter what?

There's no time to lose in correcting my mind, strengthening the soul through God. I am built for service, may it ever be so.

All to God