Jumbly mess

I hate wanting to write and not knowing what exactly to write about. Makes for a very wishy washy blog. My bad. Anyways I really do not know what to say because my brain literally thinks faster than I can process sometimes, and thats quite annoying. I think that's why I'm such a slow reader because ironically enough I read faster than I can process, therefore I have to go back and see what it was I actually read. Needless to say I'm not a fan.

However I think that's why I MUST write because now that I've started writing this blog my thoughts are formulating and are a lot easier to put in order and fully understand. I know I'm the weirdest kid alive.

Well at any rate I have a lot to think about these days, tons of schoolwork, internship to start support raising for, family time, friend time. So thoughts seem to jumble up and run together. Welp, there ya go.

All to God

Simply Humbled by Simple Things

I've been humbled many times in my life, way more than I can count. I mean very humbled, God is amazing and he knows just how to humble a person. I may need it more than other people most of the time, I can attest that I may need a bit more humility in my life. Hey don't tell God that all right? Oh wait, darn...cats out of the bag, he knows. Anyways, yeah so being humbled is a big deal.

I have to say I have been writing letters to people and churches, and let me tell you, it is one of the most humbling things that have to be done in my life. Because these letters are not just hey whats up letters they are, please give me money so that I can spread the good news of Jesus as best I can to the rest of the world. It's not stealing, it's not selfish, I am not being greedy, I sincerely need this money so that I can go do exactly that try as best I can to spread the gospel. But you look at what you write and you are like, wow...this is people's hard earned money that by the grace of God they possibly might GIVE to you to go across the world and to do exactly what you told them you would do. But God's people are good, and I am happy that there are people and churches in this world who would sacrifice money to these causes because they will win the people of the world to Jesus. They will change people's lives that they have never met.

So of course, this humbles me. Money that is not mine, yet in my possession still won't be mine, and entrusted to me to do with what seems necessary. It is a simple thing that humbles me and makes me step back a little bit to examine it. Yeah..humility is quite an interesting thing.

All to God.

Facebook wants to know..

You wanna know what's on my mind? Well I assume you do since facebook always wants to know. I'll tell you whats on my mind, better yet I'll SHOW you whats on my mind:

I'm itching to get back there man. Ready to get back to the people, and speak to them. So ready for May to come with everything prepared and ready to go. I never stop thinking about this place, and the people, on my mind constantly. Pleasantly drives me crazy, I miss you BiH.

All to God

Evil Monster

The world is like a giant made up of all different parts, I envision it such like different parts of evil nature that makes up the world. But I see it as towering above me shadowing over everything. This big monster giant infested with evil so corrupt it can barely look itself in the face. I see myself looking up at it, because I recognize how small I am. It seems like it is centuries old, and knows a lot about a lot of things.

Evil that wants to eat me up and make me a part of the monster. I honestly feel as if I don't belong here. I want to jump onto the monster and save the lives of everyone who is stuck within it's evil body. I want to do this with the boldness and love of Christ. Because I see flashes of their faces writhing in the beast, and they are searching for the way out but they cannot do it alone. I hear their groans of agony and it drives me to pounce onto the evil mass and rip out the ones crying out.

After taking them out and the beast has become significantly smaller, I want to mend them. Lead them to everlasting love, life, and beauty, a place where the the monster cannot fathom living. A place where they will see the King of the world, and acknowledge him as a living sacrifice sufficient for all. I want to kill the monster, the evil of the world, because it hurts my family, abducts them from sight, leaves them to die.

I cannot do it without Jesus. I can do nothing without Him.

All to God.

Saying goodbye

This weekend I went to Tennessee to visit some good friends of mine. In this short time with them I discovered one concrete fact about the rest of my life. This fact I am about to share I already knew but for some reason it became real. So here goes, I will be saying goodbye to people for very long periods of time more than I will ever say hello to them at least in person.

Well duh, being a "missionary in training" you kinda learn about this. But just travelling the little bit I did to TN this weekend really kind of reminded me of distance and how that effects relationships, and how much you will miss them. But each time is like a fresh drink of water because when I talk to my friends who I haven't seen in forever, I am incredibly blessed. We talk about life and God and how he has amazed us lately. I may run my mouth a little to much but I love to hear about their lives, their experiences.

So when I say goodbye I really just want to take them all with me. But I can't, God's purpose for them is not to make my life a lovely little cocoon of good friends surrounding me all the time. God's purpose for them is to bless others the way they have blessed me, in turn I take that blessing and pass it on.

But I hate the thought of saying goodbye to these people, the ones I call my family. But my life must be lived for the glory of God. I will cherish the times I get to say hello and hug them personally. But the times I can't see them I will keep their beautiful lives in my mind.

All to God.

Joy Joy down in my heart

This morning has been great. That's all I want to say. Got up at 7:15am took a nice shower, got to my 8am class on time and in great spirits. Heard an amazing message in chapel which lifted my spirits even more. Today I feel joy, I'm not just happy, but I feel joy in today.

All this joy, all this contentment, everything that has happened just in today's short few hours of it's arriving, belongs to praising God. Praising Him for this joy that I have especially today, not sure what for, I am ecstatic that God has allowed me to wake up this morning and feel joy. I'm not tired, I have work, not dreading it as usual, I can't explain it other than just raw joy.

I am aware however that this joy may become interrupted, the day has not run it's course. However if ever something does happen to go awry in today's joy that I can keep in mind the praise I am writing about currently.

Psalm 16:11 "You will show me the path of life; in your presence is the fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

God is present, he is joy. I praise him for allowing me to feel his joy a little more than usual today. I wish I felt it so intensely everyday, but unfortunately as we humans do, we take our eyes off the Lord and then we do not feel him so easily. But today is a good day, and just like any other day, he is right here, but today for some reason I feel the joy of my Father just a little more than others.

All to God

Constant Change

So I'm not really sure what to write about right now. I'm hoping it just comes out, something needs to. I've been in a contemplative mood lately, about myself and how I interact with people wondering if I'm doing it with God's love or what have you. Looking inwardly at my relationship with Jesus, wondering if I'm not visiting enough, probably not. Been thinking about the future and what that holds for me as far as responsibilities that I know will not go away.

You know these things are very essential, EXTREMELY essential. But I can't help but think "how selfish am I." This is not a question as you can see by the lack of question mark, this is a statement. I think about myself a lot, not like in the material sense but the spiritual, which is good, everyone should definitely take a big look at themselves spiritually. However, I also realize that I need to be more constant with praying for other people and their spiritual lives as well. I mean it's tough down here ya'll and we need each other to pray for one another.

Yeah I realize that things have to change within me constantly for the betterment of the Kingdom. I mean big things, not tiny little things, some pretty hefty things actually.

BUT what about my roommate's spiritual life? The ladies across the hall? My professors? My mother? My father? my sisters? Anyone I really come in contact with. You don't need to know everything about their relationship with God, you just need to know that there should be a relationship with God. You need to know that God desires a relationship with those people, and even if you feel like their relationship with God is tight...will you pray that it sustains? This is what I'm saying. We need each other's love for God to reach up to God as advocates for one another's relationships with God.

I needed my mother's prayers as I was growing up. She prayed that we would follow God with all of our hearts, that we would find him some way some how. That he would pierce our hearts with his love. She was the intercessor for my relationship with the God of the entire everything, even things we can't see. He answered her prayers three times over. We were blessed by her love for God.

I want to pray for others relationships with God, growing or sustaining. It doesn't matter, it's not all about ME and MY soul and MY good works, MY faith. I shouldn't just be in it for me. I've realized this about myself. Well it came out swimmingly.

All to God

I might like missions..a little.

So the break is ending only a few wee hours left until I am to head back to school and re-envelope myself in all things academic. There are many things left to be done and hopefully I can motivate myself enough to do them.

This week is missions week and of course I'm stoked about it because well it is a week emphasizing missions. Great speakers and everything, different I guess you could call them activities that go on, it's just going to be a good time. However there is always this repeating occurrence that happens with so many students. They get so hyped about missions and then by the next week or a couple of weeks down the road the hype is what it is, just hype. Now don't get me wrong I love it when people get enthusiastic about missions, but when people are just clinging onto the idea of something, doesn't sit well with me.

I guess it is because this is such a pivotal point in ministry to the world that I am slightly tired of the bull. People who are figuring out their paths in mission work is another story, but people who sign up just to see their name on the paper seems a bit too redundant in retrospect.

Maybe I just want to see workers come out of this week even if it doesn't mean they commit THIS WEEK, but eventually. Or maybe I'm being over-passionate in which case I cannot apologize. It doesn't matter where these workers fit, senders, intercessors, go-ers, it's all really the same to me, they are all a part of something global and responsive to the need.

Well I'm getting off my proverbial soapbox. I'm just expressing that I hope people actually feel what needs to be done throughout the world. I hope they hold onto that feeling and they carry it out into whatever they do in life. I hope they do it for the glory of God.

All to God.

You Guy's are Cool

I have been on the go mostly this fall break but you know I'm ok with it. I have been visiting friends which was much needed. There are many more I wish I could visit and one day that will happen. However, just by visiting the few that I have visited this week and thinking about other friends I have come to a conclusion.

I can see where most of my friends fit into the body of Christ. I can see where it takes all kinds to make up the body. Then I cannot help but thank God for the astoundingly amazing people he has

put in my life.

Yeah they are pretty awesome and they inspire me everyday. I know that they are God given because they are such a blessing to me. They motivate me to keep on keeping on with my goals and support me greatly which is an honor.

There is a lot of love between me and my friends. But also we respect one another which is another sweetastic thing that we all have with one another. They are my brothers and sisters certainly. They can come into my house in my hometown and it is as if there are no guests just family, I couldn't be more pleased about that.

We are together in this you know, this whole family thing that we use as Christians. I pretty much 100% sure God meant for it to be that way. I'm glad he did I would go crazy without you all, I thank you for being crazy stoppers, for unknowingly solving the whole insanity problem that I would have without you. Here's an ode to you friends.

There are probably more than what is in this string of photos you know who you are and I love you just the same. Thanks for putting up with me :)

All to God

Being Normal for a While

I did it, I ran today, no not in the morning like I would prefer, and no not for miles on end, but I ran. I'm trying to work my way up to waking up in the mornings and getting my day going by getting my blood pumping. But I have to make myself get over the laziness that overcomes me in the mornings.

Because of my run today I felt motivated to do other stuff like help out mama and wash her dishes which I embarrassingly admit that doesn't happen often. I could blame it on the extremely greasy food food we like to eat around here and that we don't have a dish washer, therefore the gross grease coating our hands making us feel really nasty. BUT putting that aside in my mind I happily did it.

So I'm just rambling about running and washing dishes, well I guess go back to basic things is what is becoming of my fall break. I guess coming out of the week we all had last week, that's what we need, to get back to the basic things, normal things that life entails for the glory of God. Yay for normalities for a short time.

All to God

Thank you for your Love

I appreciate you, all of you, those of you in my life that care so deeply for not only me but so many others. I love your love, I love to see the brightness in your faces. So many of you are people who I see and it just makes my life just a tad bit better just by laying eyes on you. Who said miracles don't happen anymore? Just by seeing you, you heal my heart a little more when I'm down or heck even when I'm happy and there is something below the surface.

I've come to the obvious conclusion that God has placed some very interesting and amazing people in my life. For that I am so thankful because I couldn't make it through life successfully in any way shape or form.

I call you brothers and sisters, your all family to me. I am so incredibly honored and blessed to have you here in this life with me. So this is a short little something to all those in my family who I am happy to have far and wide throughout the world, and also close to me.

Thanks for walking beside me while we follow our Father, it's a great family adventure with you all ups and downs included.

Love you all so much

All to God.

Why are you quiet?

Today when I was driving home to the destination of FALL BREAK I had my ipod set to my Jesus music, because I felt like I needed it. Well by the end of my journey songs started coming on that were incredibly relevant to these situations that have arisen the past week. So of course in my car driving, I probably looked like a nut case to some people but I didn't care. I almost cried but I stopped because that is unsafe when driving, but I definitely wanted to just bawl.

I think that was for sure a sweet release as my last blog suggests. I have been quiet today, more than usual, I think it is just because my thoughts have completely overrun me. Thoughts I haven't had time to think just came to the surface. So I stayed lost in my thoughts today, not one of my favorite things to do but it was like a flood and I couldn't stop it.

I love the book of Job..I think I love it because God is just like here I am, I always have, and always will be. One of my favorite verses from this book is "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" Job 2:10, well technically part of 10. I think this is extremely significant right now. Adversity makes us nervous, but we should accept it no matter how hard it is because we have a God who knows. Or "yada" if you will.

Well time to end this strange silent day and hopefully wake up to a much better day.

All to God

Sweet Release!

Sweet release! This week is over, this horrible wretched week is over. God brought us through it, He will get us through the rest of it. Because this week is over doesn't mean that we have gotten over our fear, anxiety, and disruption, but it does mean that we can disperse for a while and come back together over a time and be stronger.

My plans for this fall break consist of three things with an underlying consistency of rest: visiting people, prayer for everything that has happened, and some Jesus time. Yes! I am excited to have some intense down time with God, it's gonna be awesome to just hang out with Him for a while.

Basically I am ready to spend most of my time with my Father, I am super ready for it, I need it, it's calling me by name.

Well goodbye horrendous week, I would never re-live you for a million bucks. Me and God are gonna have some alone time and I think it will be the best call I've had in a while.

I love to love but how can I love anymore if my understanding of love in it's truest form is not found in my life? This is why I'm having some time to just be. Be with God, the truest form of love so I can bask in it's glow and maybe soak some up to give to others. We sure do need it right now.

All to God

Your Light's Gonna Lead Me Home

A lot has went down in the last few days here on the campus of MACU. It's been a hard few days, no one really seems to understand, no one can really grasp it. Through all of this I am saddened by all the things that have gone on, the real facts, and unfortunately the rumors. But what most fills my heart I think isn't anger (thank God) but love. This involves two people I never really got to know that well, but something inside of me feels like my family has been dealt a blow. I call them brothers and there is no time for animosity anyway.

Some are distraught more than others, some put more emphasis on one than the other (I'm sorry for being so vague), but I feel I see it all equally. All I have to say is that Satan won't win...he can't. How can he when we believe in a God who rules the entire world, even rules over Satan himself. I don't feel it necessary to give into Satan's will and be angry or shut down, my Father has him under control. He won't give us anything to big to bear, we have prayed, worshiped, loved, leaned, and we are healing. We are His sons and daughters, he will care for us.

I wish I could just find the one we deem "responsible" for all of this and tell him, we love him, we are praying, and as long as he has breath in his lungs he has the chance to walk with God still. After all Jesus did forgive the criminal at the cross, and I firmly believe that that man went with Him to paradise. We can do the same. As for me, I see his imperfections, but more than this I see his heart, I see a life that I believe is still living for Jesus.

There is no time for anger, bitterness, hatred, and anything else that could divide us. We are the family who forgives, we are Christians. Let's not be a stereotype, let's not be hypocritical as the world sees us. Remember to God, every sin is equal, some in human eyes more shocking than others, but no one can throw a stone, we have to lay them down at the feet of our everlasting Father, Creator God, who knows all things and is merciful.

I'm sorry if some that are reading this are incredibly confused, I just didn't want to say to much over the internet, it's not that safe of a place to be putting information.

Anyway, approach each other in these tense times with love. We are not here to condemn, but to build up and strengthen one another.

My brothers and sisters let's be a light to this world, they have given us the chance, let's show them how it's done.

All to God