In My Bed, In Bosnia.

I just remembered the dream I had last night. I dreamed (once again...) that I went back home to the U.S. and that's when the anxiety started. Normally in my dreams I don't get anxious, and I have had this type of dream before only what I felt in this dream was magnified about 100x's. In this dream I knew I was dreaming.

I had made it back home (it was a little blurry) and I began to see the blurry faces of my family members when I panicked and said to myself "No, no, this is a dream, all I have to do is wake up and I will be in my bed in Bosnia!." So moments later I woke up. I woke up in my bed in Bosnia, and the first thought I had in my head was "I'm still here!" Now here's a little more context; every time I have had a dream like this I have been getting home early...like months earlier than I should. Every time I am glad to see my family but something inside of me is telling me that this is wrong and I feel strange and out of place.

This time apparently, my subconscious decided to not even entertain the idea of me going home earlier than planned. I couldn't even get a clear picture but I knew I was home but not because I was supposed to be. I woke up and instantly felt better like everything was right.

But let me get something straight since my family reads this...

This in no way implies that I don't miss you or that I don't want to be with you. I wish we could be together so much and while I am excited for the day I get to kiss your faces and hug your necks, I know where my place is right now. I know I have a purpose here and I have to live it out, and while I miss you so, I cannot deny the magnetic pull that this place seems to have on my heart (and apparently my subconscious). 

I was a weird dream, and one of the few where I actually realized I was dreaming while participating in the dream. I remember running away from the blur of what the dream was becoming and then I woke up relieved to find myself in my bed, in Bosnia. 

To my family, I miss you way more than I let on, and I love you deeply. I am glad that I am here and serving in ways I couldn't have foreseen otherwise. The love I have seen, given, and received has been overflowing and I can't help but love being here even when the days are hard. I do love it, and I choose to love it, everyday.

I'll come home, you better believe that, but not quite yet.

All to God

White Carriage: Sensible Pumpkin

I think the worst thing about growing up is actually realizing that there is no other choice but to take up your responsibilities and deal with them like a man (or woman...). I think there comes a time in every young adults life where their internal clock strikes twelve and the beautiful carriage turns into a pumpkin that all of a sudden you realize you can cook and actually utilize.

I've been growing up in two contexts; one that taught me that I am responsible for myself and that people may help but in the end you must have the motivation yourself to take care of you. The other context is now currently teaching me that while the first context is correct, I also must be willing to help others, give of myself even when I get tired (...Do not grow weary of doing good deeds.) This context is stretching me beyond what I thought and I'm realizing that I can stretch more if need be.

I'm learning how to be a woman, in that I do not want to learn how to cook because it is thought to be my place, but because I want to make a home one day, and maybe I want my kids to say "my mom makes the best _____ ever." I'm learning by examples in life how a wife must respect her husband without being unheard. I am learning that virtue is rare these days and I should strive to have some. I've actually enjoyed the moments where in a Bosnian household they let me help serve the meals how every young woman learns how to serve the household and its guests.

But growing up has its advantages; you learn who you are, you find identity in Christ (if you believe in this sort of thing..I do.) You find out who your friends are, you figure out the kind of things you would want in a husband (or wife), no more wandering about, and when it finds you then it has found you. Yeah you might owe a lot of money because of those college years, but you also find out that money isn't everything and the good Lord provides for those who love him. You get to figure things out on your own.

You don't only have to rely on what you have been told, but rather what you make of it all.

Growing up is difficult and I have a lot of it yet to do. But I'm convinced that growing up does not include becoming this person who has it all figured out and gets to decide who hasn't made it to their level of maturity. I'm more inclined to believe it's a process full of laughter, grief, self-pity, achievement, motivation, selfishness, unselfishness, humility, self-realization, love, and lots of grace. It's a mess to grow up, with moments of clarity in between what seems like chaos; good or bad. 

Becoming an adult, whoever thought of such a crazy thing? But it's worth it in the end, especially if you have the privilege of a long life. Many of whom I know that have this privilege tell me that they still haven't grown up. I would have to agree that growing up is not a linear process, but a tangled mess without an end-point, and it is beautiful. For the most part I've enjoyed my tangled mess of adulthood as a woman and child of God. 

Growing and learning everyday, and that's just how it's got to be.

All to God

Raw

These days I have been thinking about my boundaries that I set for myself throughout my life and how they are hindering me (or, rather, I am hindering myself). So when I get in a situation of say, dancing at a special needs party with friends and wonderful kids who were made EXACTLY the way they were supposed to be, sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk and remind this heart of mine.

It's not about you.

I've likened it to raw skin (sorry to be so graphic). I've noticed how limited I have made myself and I have deemed it unfit to be part of the work being done here. So I'm lopping it off. I'm letting the raw skin angrily burn and I'm putting no band-aid over it. I'm allowing time and the soothing balm of self-growth to heal the rawness. I know this is all a little strange. 

So when I was at this party, which was entirely unexpected, I went to the bathroom in the beginning to obviously use for its intended purposes but also to say necessary words to myself. Emilie, go dance with these kids, you probably can't understand a word they say, but darn it...you go have fun with these people, and love them because it's all about loving them. Yes, I said something to this effect out loud to myself, because I just need to most of the time.

And guess what happened....it was awesome. They were so happy. I was so happy to show some love to these sweet people. I was blessed by them, overly blessed, I'm glad I got into the thick of things otherwise I would have been the stuck up, no fun, foreigner. I'd rather dwindle that down to just a foreigner (something I will never escape). 

So there will be other moments throughout life here that the raw skin will just have to ache and burn because in the end it's worth it. I've definitely not arrived, and I never will, however the road to arriving will be winding yet awesome. I hope you can understand what it is I am trying to say because sometimes stuff sounds better in my head. 

By the way...kids, they are something else. In a good way.

All to God

Breaking Boundaries Bit by Bit

There are all sorts of ways to have fun with other people, even people we don't know. There are also many unexpected ways to have fun with people who may be simply acquaintances with the possibility of becoming a good friend. To many to count really, and sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zones to find these people and have fun with them.

Never did I think I would find it in an Oriental dance class, and by "Oriental" I mean...mostly belly dancing.

Yes.

I said belly dancing.

Oh, but it's so much more.

If you know me at all you know that I don't like to dance seriously in public. I can only dance like a crazy person with no style or grace attached to my movements, however this class is all about style and grace and at first it made me feel very strange. I felt extremely out of place since Oriental style dancing has a few motions that I would not do outside of that classroom or maybe with a female audience of whom are my good friends. So when I heard that a lot of my teammates wanted to try out this class I was like...no absolutely not.

Then something convicted me. It's a good way to make friends, a good language lesson, and an overall great workout. Would I even begin to be a fool for the sake of the possibility to even speak Jesus into the life of another person I might meet in this class? So my answer changed to a whimpering ...ok, I guess I could give it a try. 

So I stepped across the boundary I had set for myself and I went. Come to find out we have the sweetest teacher we could possibly have for this class and as of recently found out that our classmates are just as sweet. I have moments that I think while in the class "did I ever think I would be so concerned with choreography in an Oriental dance class in Bosnia?" 

As I have come to find out while I have been here, I have drawn lines and noticed that I drew them in vain, because the very next step I must take is crossing those lines in order to grow. I often times hear "the reason you can't or aren't doing this is because you are the only one stopping you." I find this to ring true in my life more often than not, a hefty fault I must say. 

I know this dance class is just one of the many boundaries I have kept for myself that I must break down. In my "profession" there is little tolerance for inflexibility and hard boundaries. I'm glad I have kept with this class, I have met some good people through it and will continue to meet people. Because that's what it is about, the people. Some boundaries I have laid for myself are simply for the birds, and I don't need them. 

I have a lot to learn, and I'm sticking with that.

All to God

An Urgent Heart.

Ok, so by now all of you have lost faith in my blogging efforts and I could not blame any one of you in the least. My blogs have been sparse at best and I suppose that life has been going and maintaining a pace that is good and tiring. So now, gross and fresh, from the gym this morning I've sat down to write you and share something.

It's not you, it's me, you deserve better.

Anyway, let's just dive in to this mess I call thoughts from my brain.

Outside of general love for people, I have had a few people on my heart. It's not just as if I chose people at random, these are people whom I have felt desperately about. Mostly, I don't even know them very well, but it sickens my soul to think about them anywhere but inside the Savior's grace and love. 

I hope my soul stays sick for these people and many more. I want to feel the urgency, because in reality I don't have time to wait. In my humanness I continue to believe the lie that tomorrow is certain and by the very next word I type all will be the same as it was the sentence before. I know that if these people began their journey toward Christ it would probably not be a sprint but a marathon and I have no qualms with that. God is perfect and his timing is immaculate, he knows when to burden a heart and when to bring it peace and I rely on him.

I want them to know that someone already stood in their place to take away punishment. I want them to know that there is so much to life outside of this small state of consciousness. I want them to see their King and forget the disunity this country suffers, and I want them to seek to heal it with the love that they come to know. I love these people in general, and the ones who burn in my heart like a brand are a part of the whole. 

I don't know really what else to write, you understand what I'm getting at. You may have even felt the sickening in your soul when you thought about certain people being outside of Christ. It's a sort of sickening that you feel and think about constantly, and in contrast to the negative connotation that "sickening" brings with it, this you might admit is a motivational "sickening."

Please be praying for me as I seek God's wisdom and his timing and as I pray for these individuals. Pray that I may have the Spirit's leading when it comes to having conversations with these people, and be praying for dreams that God might visit them when they sleep. As always, thank you for your prayers and sparing a thought here and there, they are precious to me.

All to God.