Awareness week, weekend

This weekend has been an uplifting and tiring one. But more-so uplifting. I don't have a lot to write but the best thing about this weekend was summed up in two categories:

1. The wonderful time I've spent with family and preparing for family to come over.

2. The great interactions I've had with people in my church and how fantastic it is to feel love from them.

God certainly blessed me this weekend and HAS blessed me my entire life. I trust fully that God is leading my life here and now, which makes me trust him more with my life when I am overseas. He's teaching me that I am worth something here in the U.S. and can be implemented.

Things are building and I am excited to be a part of it and contribute to it.

All to God

Moving in awareness

Well yet again another spin-off of the awareness state that I am currently in about myself. I have made movements in my thinking and things like that but like I said last blog, I tend to think more than I act. So this one is focused more on how I am acting.

All week I have been researching places to start volunteering in Elizabeth City and I am excited about this. I haven't found an organization yet but I am feverishly on the search. Also, last night I read in the book of Mateju in the Novi Zavjet and what those words mean are the book of Matthew in the New Testament portion of the Bible. I do not have a full OT NT Bible in Bosnian yet which I REALLY want. So I have started to try and read so that I can start understanding Bosnian better for this summer!

I am excited to say that my sister has brought up some ideas that we can be a part of in our missions board at church. Let me say that I am incredibly excited about becoming a part of these things. I am ready to start planning!

I don't say all these things like a small child coming to their mother to show her how well she cleaned her room. I say these things because I becoming aware of my duties here in this life on earth, and I realize that they are not just duties but they are exciting happenings in my life. God has put it on my heart to start volunteering and stepping up in my church, I also realize that these are things that are no brainers for people to do. Up until now volunteering was either something we did as a requirement for school that actually felt good to do, or some disaster relief project that also felt good but it never REALLY instilled in me a want to volunteer.

I don't say it for the praise, what people should say to me is..."this is what you should've been doing all along". Maybe I'm just a slow learner, maybe it's that and the fact that my time management is not always the greatest and priorities can sometimes be an issue.

But what I know is that God putting these passions inside of my heart to actually want to do these things instead of them feeling like an obligation. I'm speaking more so about volunteering and serving people during the week in Elizabeth City. I've always wanted to do good things in my church and the surrounding community there, now I feel it more than ever.

It's good to want to work for the Lord

It always has been

We are not saved by works, but God calls us to work, diligently. In awareness, I have chosen to take action.

All to God

This week in awareness

This is kind of a spin off of the last blog I wrote. I think it would be beneficial for me to write it out and for those of you who like to read my blog to see the "awareness" happen.

This week has started off very stressful but is winding down nicely. Through all the stresses of the week thus far I have found myself actually being aware of myself, not letting myself get on autopilot. That was a lot of usage of the word "myself" whew.

What I mean by this is that I have looked at the things I do, how I do them, and the motive in which drives me to do them. Is it godly? Is it influenced? The point is...

I don't want to become an android that mimics what it sees or the Christian that relies only on the knowledge I've gained in Bible college to better myself.

Let's just get this out in the open, I am not organized, I am a dreamer, I catch myself thinking more than doing. I get myself in a sick cycle of great ideas, just to be brought down by the fact that it's not going to happen because of this and that, mostly having to do with my inability at the time to accomplish it. I DO NOT have it all together.

So in being aware this week, I have not dreamed of doing things RIGHT NOW that can only be accomplished through planning and time. I have thought about career missionary work very hard this week questions like...

What motivates me? -- People in desperation, fighting for answers. People dying with an eternity of Hell to face. Conviction that I have been given a gift called life that cannot be contained.

Why Bosnia again? -- I have a draw to Bosnia, not because of it's beautiful landscape and good food, but because, even though it's Europe, there is much to be done. I know, very indirect answer. But I don't know what God will do this summer there. Last summer was a learning experience, first overseas trip to check out ministry. I feel that this summer will be a slightly different experience from last summer. I'll let you know how this goes. I'm excited to find out myself :)

So what about the U.S.? -- I have realized that my actions here won't simply change because I am overseas. I need to be active here in the home front too, Christ is still absent in the lives of people here as well, no need to write them off because they are American. That is just ignorance on my part if I don't do these things for the Lord here and now.

Yes, my awareness throughout this week have centered around these thoughts and answers. I'm sure they will develop more with time, and come to fruition. I just pray constantly that God will take hold of Bosnia to glorify himself through his workers and upcoming workers.

All to God

Being aware

So this is not a "what happens when..." post but I have to write anyway.

I have been confronted by some people I love, they humbled me and made me take a look.

I thought I was looking and doing all the right things and came into this weekend feeling pretty good about myself. I guess I will go into this week feeling pretty aware of myself. I'm not at all sorry about it, in fact I know this will prompt more faith and prayer in my life. Beautiful.

But boy, was it hard to sit there and hear these things.

It turns out I cannot count on even myself to do some things right, but the reality is..I can solely count on God to do anything and everything right.

I'm not perfect, I've always known I'm not perfect. My actions (or lack thereof) can really irritate people. For a few weeks now I have actually been thinking about what it is to be consumed with the love that Jesus has for us, and what the implications of this is.

Also, recently I have been reading a book that fits what I have been thinking about prior to all this realization and confrontation. It's really made me think about the way I serve Jesus, the way I pray, how deep my faith goes. It's caused me to ask the "would I?" question. It's been a series of fortunate events really.

First, Emilie starts thinking about how well she serves the Lord. Second, starts reading a book that was recommended, one of my friends lent it to me for free which speaks about such things...lucky me. Third, loved ones lovingly punch me in the gut with some overwhelming concerns/realities.

Needless to say, there's work to be done.

There are bridges to be built, some to mend, and others to cross. Let's just say, I'm aware, and ready to build, fix, and walk...I want to be a strong tool that God uses to bring glory to himself, wherever, whenever.

All to God

What happens when: you feel stuck

For a while now I've been contemplating my role in this world as a Christian. I have decided that I've been stuck for sometime now. Stuck in my Bible college student mindset, small country traditional church fellowship, but I have been stuck mostly because I won't let my mouth move. Aside from the fact that I basically stay on campus most of the time, when I am around non-Christians I think about "well I wonder if they know Jesus", but I never ask the question.

Realizing this stuckness I've gotten myself into, I have also realized the amount of people that have come to know Jesus and accept him because of my ministering to them.

Zip.

This has troubled my heart and mind this week especially. Not that numbers count, if I accompany God in bringing someone to him, just one, then that's means to rejoice until death. However, I've tried before, it was back when I didn't know much about discipleship, how to nurture a baby Christian, or anything like that, I just knew that I wanted to see them in heaven one day. Happy, and free.

So what happens when you feel stuck? What happens when life feels mundane? When you always know what you should say, but you never let it out? What happens when you feel stuck in the church? Well you can wallow, or do something about it. It's up to the willingness of the one who feels stuck. Prayer is always a HUGE necessity.

God. wants. us. to. talk.

When I was overseas I didn't really feel stuck, I felt open and ready to have conversation about Christ with those who didn't know him. Life wasn't mundane, different things happened everyday, unexpected things. It was like breathing in new air (even though the air quality there was not the greatest). I had desire to speak to the people and tell them about Jesus constantly, I had no distraction from this desire (i.e. homework, classes, work, etc.).

I have the desire to tell people about Jesus in the U.S. A PRETTY STINKIN HUGE DESIRE. But here I feel stuck. Now, I'm not whining about how college takes away from life and it just so hard to get out there. The fact is, when we are stuck...we got ourselves there some how, some way.

It's all my fault

I take all responsibility for everything I have just admitted to you all. It's not college's fault, or my workload. It's my willingness faltering and I realize it, therefore I have stricken myself with this stuckness. Maybe some of you feel the same in some areas? I don't know, stuckness is no fun, and I'm praying to God that myself along with any others who feel this stuckness can become unstuck.

All to God

What happens when: you find yourself in the darkness of the valley

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. This saying we know very well. We find strength in this verse and those leading up to it. There are sermons on it, lessons prepared, and many conversations about the darkness of the valley. It is a bold statement VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH...I WILL FEAR NO EVIL.

No evil? None? I won't fear any evil? Can I promise myself that? Can I hold to that statement of faith? In the shadow? Much less a shadow of death? Wow. That's a scary place to be. In the darkness, evil all around waiting to eat you up. But we go there, we have too.

There are portions of our lives that the darkness has to stamp out our vision briefly, so that we might walk by faith. Calling out to who we know will guide us in our blindness, even though our eyes are wide open. But sometimes we don't call out in our times of darkness. You see, the valley is a scary place to be but it's design is divine. In the valley when we call out in faith, our voice echoes off the high places in the mountains, rattling off the sides of the hills for miles, amplifying our voices as we cry out. God hears us.

So what happens when we find ourselves in the darkness of the valley. We hear calls of evil beings, mocking us, laughing at us, rustling close to us. Panicked, at first, we may run for it. We might keep quiet hoping nothing will find us there and we book it, for one reason or another. Next we might get a little tired and feel around and find a large boulder to hide behind. The thing we find there are not good. This is where those mocking things hide and live as well. Here we are in solitude away from anything that could help us, but we are in the perfect position to fall into the traps of these devils. Faith to call out to God rips us away and he slowly guides us away from the darkness.

Though the darkness is not where God dwells, he knows it well, it is creation as well. He knows that sometimes we put ourselves in the darkness, or maybe sometimes things happen in our lives that we do not give up to God to deal with therefore putting us low in the valley, heavy laden. Any way that we end up in the valley of the shadow of death, there will be evil dwelling there.

We should not fear evil. That seems impossible. But I'm going to suggest a very Sunday school answer here; with God nothing is impossible. In our "seasoned" years of being a Christian we feel that we should know these things, and yeah yeah....with God nothing's impossible, okay tell me something I don't know, wow me with theology. But I think when we are in the valley deathly afraid of the evil that resides there....the evil we might become....we discount the fact that God is Almighty, nothing is too big for him, our God is bigger than _____, you fill in the blank, he's bigger.

Faith brings us out of the valley. Faith that God can, will, and has before. We must also be willing to have faith that he can heal us, even through the bleeding, gaping, life threatening wound left by the sin and evil of the darkness, he is the Almighty Physician.

The darkness will not prevail

The valley will be laid to waste

Our God is bigger than the mountains surrounding the valley

Our Savior has already destroyed death in it's dwelling

Face the darkness in faith

Face the darkness.

All to God

What happens when: you transform

Recently one of my little cousins got baptized into Christ. I could not be more ecstatic for her life as a child of God, her experiences when she realizes that, yes, the Holy Spirit lives within her, and leads her. It is going to be a learning experience for sure, but I can't help but feel that it is a tight rope that not only her, but all new Christians walk. Do the people around her understand discipleship? Do they know how to guide her along the way effectively? Can they help her transform?

Transformation takes a lot of time, effort, concentration, and guidance. But when you see and feel transformation happen you understand how real it is. Transforming into Christ means a lot of life changes need to happen, staying the same doesn't cut it. So many times people get baptized and think, well I've reached the pinnacle of my spiritual walk. As most who read this know...this could not be more incorrect.

It's a scary mindset people can come into, these thoughts don't harbor Christian leaders. Last summer after returning to the states after the two months in Bosnia, me and three other people who had spent their summer in Spain came to one of the biggest churches in the U.S. Each of these countries are known to be slow to convert to Christianity and are very skeptical, sometimes resentful of Christianity, much less baptism. So as we sat in this huge church in Kentucky, we witnessed 200 people get baptized. This occurrence made me cry like someone had just ran over my puppy, the same happened with a few of the others. We had just experienced a summer where transformation was so hard to come by, yet when it happened it was so appreciated and nurtured by those who worked in those respective places for the Kingdom.

I wondered if each of those 200 knew what they were doing

So what happens when you transform? What happens when you're seasoned in your Christian walk yet you realize you still need transforming? I can only speak from my own experience of transforming, each transformation is unique but serves the same purpose. Mine, however, was like a slow moving roller coaster. I got baptized, understood somewhat of the implications of it, but now, I understand the implications exponentially better. Getting baptized at the age of 10 does take time to understand what it all means. A lot of my spiritual transformation started about the age of 16 when I realized that doing dumb things are just that...dumb.

You have to be willing to transform, otherwise you won't. Our God will not force you to transform, it is a choice, just like baptism. Oh and by the way transforming doesn't end until we stand in the complete glory of God. So our entire lives we are to strive to be better, transforming into the likeness of Christ. It's a beautiful thing this transformation.

All to God

What happens when: you decide to lead

There are many people in this life that I personally admire for their leadership roles and just their gusto to take charge in general. I catch myself in awe of the efficiency of those who do take charge even on a whim, it is their nature, and they do it so swiftly. It is obviously a spiritual gift that many don't get blessed with, yet I've met so many who have it.

So what happens when someone decides they are going to lead, they are going to step up and be the leader? What happens when that leader is there to please people but not just there to be a doormat, but actually use discretion and maybe even make some people angry? What happens when the leader does the right thing, instead of the popular thing?

Jesus was a trailblazer, he made people angry, but he did the right thing. Now I understand that leaders are not fully God and fully human all at the same time, but we are fully human with the Holy Spirit as our guide.

I did not grow up being a leader, I was never boss of the playground, to this day I don't see myself as a leader because I grew up following. I followed my big sisters, teachers, mom and dad, I was never the one in control of what to do with my life much less anyone else's, because I was the baby.

However, the more I find my identity in Christ the more I notice that I can be that leader, knowing that all the while I am being led by the Spirit. There is nothing more assuring than that thought. But I hope that all those Christian leaders in the making can understand this concept:

Find your identity in Christ.

Understand that leading means you must be willing to be led.

What's right is ALWAYS better than what's popular.

(Little but significant tidbit): Live out what you believe.

Leading is difficult and will be difficult, but the good news is we have a gift among gifts; the Holy Spirit.

All to God

My birthday

Today is my birthday and I keep thinking about the day I was born. Of course I don't remember it, but there are those who do. Like my Dad tells the story of when the doctor gave me to him and he went into the waiting room with me and my Grandma was appalled that he would bring out there and he asked her, "Well do you want to hold your new grand baby or do you want to complain about it?" I think about the stress I must have put on my mother's body since I was the naturally born child, no drugs, nothing, they even had to turn me around in the womb.

Though I understand that millions of children were born on February 11th in 1990, a part of me cannot give up the thinking about what God was thinking when I was born. What were his specific thoughts about me? I mean he foreknew that I would accept him, love him, and want to be in lifelong service to him. But when I was born into this world, in the flesh of this world, the sin of this world, what were his thoughts? He blessed me from the start, first surviving birth, and helping my mother survive my birth so that I would have her now on this birthday. I thank God I have my mom even now at year 21.

I often wonder if God is proud of the woman I've become thus far in life, despite my transgressions. I wonder how he will shape me when/if I reach 31, I wonder if he will be even prouder then. I hope so, I hope I (when I say I, I mean God through me) can make strides these next ten years for his Kingdom, so that when February 11, 2021 comes around I can look back and say life wasn't wasted, and look back still and say, love wasn't lost.

I praise God for bringing me this far in life.

All to God

I could be the Rabbit

I just want to help people. I want to love people, understand them and help them with their struggles in life. I want to introduce or reintroduce them to Jesus. I want to see the releasing smile on their face, I want their relationship, their friendship.

The ugly truth is, I could easily be an introvert. Sometimes I want to pull away when it's not the time. This could keep me away from people, but the fact is I naturally cannot be without people for too long. I'm glad put this need and passion for people in my life because I could be the rabbit in the hole that never comes out except to find food.

There are moments when I feel this happening and I force myself to come out of the hole. I think Satan can and does use this against me. I'm glad I have a God that's greater and sees a willing heart and sees it fit to help pull me out of solitude.

I'm not saying I'm a fully extroverted person but I'm at a healthy balance I think. There's enough driving me to be in the world and loving people.

All to God

Itchy Fingers

I have no news today, I have no inspiring words really. I'm just glad to be home with minimal homework. I have itchy fingers that want to write, but a mind that has slowed down from the busy week. I have no stories with a happy ending or coincidental happenings of the week.

I guess I just wanted to write and say I'm alright. I've made it through the week, no backed up homework assignments. Someone out there is praying for me, I guess I should put that in the plural form, people out there must be praying for me. I feel the power of God answering those prayers on my behalf. I want to thank those praying for me, I want to thank you humbly.

So there ya go, very uneventful (aside from homework) week. But I'm very thankful for it and thankful for the weekend so I can rest for a little bit. Happy weekend everybody and for those with a not so relaxed weekend I hope that all in all it is a good weekend.

All to God

Wonder working power

So I'm still reading Leviticus (yes I know...I've been there for a while). Anywho as I was reading today I couldn't help but appreciate the fact that we have to New Testament because of what the Old Testament teaches. As I've said before Leviticus is all about laws and things to do to keep the children of Israel clean, not exactly the best book to start a non-believer or new Christian on.

However it has taught me the appreciation for the new covenant, that in Christ we are truly free. It was because of the Israelites keeping themselves in the purity of God's law (as "best" they could) so that the Christ could come out of them and be a part of a pure people. Now...Gentiles..don't get in a tizzy God loved and still does love us as greatly as anyone else...hence the Savior, but he needed him to come from a certain prominent line.

Anyways, I was rabbit trailing...so in chapter 17 of Leviticus it talks about the sanctity of blood. How the life is in the blood and no one should eat/drink it. Part of verse 11 ties into what we know now as new covenant Christians. It reads ". . . for it is the blood that makes atonement for the soul." God commands that they use beasts and other things, but beasts have blood, so they were to use the beasts and their blood for sacrifice.

We allude to Jesus as being the lamb of God. He was the sacrifice once and for all. Life is in the blood, life is in the blood of Jesus. Leviticus...good stuff.

All to God

Wait, wait, wait

I guess the worst part of this whole "getting educated" to be a missionary thing is the waiting. Waiting for anything that you have been longing for and are passionate about for a length of time is hard. You feel like you're stuck in this world of almost there and it never feels like it is.

It's timing I guess. Because I know that if I had never come to Bible college or been introduced to this world of missions by diving in I would not be as passionate about it as I am today. Therefore, training is necessary (for me anyways) there is lots I don't know, nor will I know until I actually experience it fully.

I love friends and learning things and being close to home. But Jesus...but Jesus convicts me to go. But there is the need to cool my heels and sit back and listen for a while. I guess I've always been a go-er, and a promoter of travels without thinking it through. I've always been the one with the idea to just pack up and go, but I was not counting the cost, I now count the cost.

So as for now I guess I feel like the same mundane routine happens everyday and the only thing I really have to look forward too after all is said and done is a fat sum of debt. But I'm pretty sure that's not all there is to it.

I like the uncertainty of the future, I like the space in my life that hasn't been written on yet. Yeah it's scary, but only in the sense that I want to do things right, with the idea that I'm not perfect.

So that's where my mind is. Yep.

All to God