I get frustrated.

I suppose I am at a level of frustration. I suppose I really just want to ask the question:

Do you love Jesus enough to go ANYWHERE for him?

When you say, "Oh I maybe could go one day somewhere different and minister". One day? I'm not buying it. If we are commissioned to go to the world now then what's with this "one day..." stuff? I don't want to hear anymore of this "When I get myself straight financially..." stuff anymore. I'm tired of the cop outs. I'm tired of excuses. 

I'm tired of statements that make stalling to GO seem justifiable.

I'm done with those who are supposed to be spiritual leaders not taking leaps of faith, and just not leading. I'm tired of being a woman and not seeing men step up where they are needed. I'm tired of being a woman and seeing other women not be strong women of God because their focus is not there. 

Would you go to slums, projects, or villages and live there to be witnesses of Christ? Slums in India, projects in NYC, or in the villages of Southeast Asia? Would you be a Jonah? 

Kicking and screaming and still pouting after all was said and done?

Or an Isaiah?

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:

'Whom shall I send?

And whom shall go for Us?'

Then I said, 'Here am I Lord! Send me!'

Do you love Him enough to be sent in blind? Do you have that kind of faith? All I know is, I'm tired of it. There are to many Jonah's who never even have enough faith to fess up that they are the one's causing the storm and let the boat be crushed to pieces. 

I'm over the excuses. I thank God for all types of ministries, especially the one's we simply live out with our lives primarily. This is not a missions push. This is not a my ministry is better than yours thing. It's an are you willing to go anywhere for the God who saved your soul and pay it forward? Thing. Yes, I'm sick of the apathy and people doing the comfortable thing. 

It's something I cannot tolerate anymore. Don't tell me you couldn't do it. Don't let me hear "It takes a special kind of person to go over there..." Don't give me the excuse that you're to old. Don't tell me you want to "live your life first". Don't tell me you couldn't go without what you have now. Don't give me this junk. 

I won't take it or believe it. WE ARE CALLED TO DO THIS, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE.

THE CHURCH, BELIEVERS, THE BODY.

ALL OF US.

Please don't give me weak excuses, I've heard most of them. This includes ministry in America as well. Don't get it twisted. We are called to do the job. We are qualified by blood and guided by an undeserved gift. We squander this opportunity. 

Please go. Please.

Go and do work for the Lord.

Please go and love and work.

Get out there in this world.

Please just stop making excuses and GO.

Please.

All to God

Oh the past...

So do you ever have those moments when you remember something you did in your past and have a gut wrenching embarrassment in the pit of your stomach even if nobody knows about it? Yeah, everybody has stuff they did that they are not proud of.

Sometimes we let it eat at us which furthers the embarrassment, even if that embarrassing memory lives only in your mind.

Then you think "Oh dear...yep, God knows about it." Then you start to feel unworthy and worse..worthless. Sometimes it can leave a pit in your stomach. Well, yeah, God knows about it...okay, so what do you do?

It's been a relief for me to actually acknowledge this thing that gnaws at me in His presence, such as in times of prayer. It's also a relief to me to see the cross that means forgiveness, but leave the foot of the cross and carry mine in a more righteous way as best I can.

I bring this up because sometimes conversations with friends are revealing. I write this in a very thankful mood. Thankful to know that other people aren't perfect either, and God still loves them too. Thankful for friends who don't expect judgement from me so I get no judgement from them. Thankful for Biblical characters who were real showing their embarrassing downfalls yet God still saw them as righteous such as David.

Whatever I've done, whatever you've done, chances are...it's not the first time a godly person has let themselves and God down in the way you have or I have. We are imperfect, it's not an excuse, but it is a reality.

We feel bad because we strive to be perfect in God's eyes

The truth is we WILL let God down, and the truth is he KNEW we would. The embarrassment we feel, the smallness we feel inside of ourselves, it serves it's purpose. For a time it keeps us humble, it keeps us down to earth. But sooner or later, life has to continue and these memories may be a part of your past but they don't have to be a part of your future. 

So basically....

A lot of us are in the same boat

Oh and one more thing, the word hypocrite is poison to your heart

Quite calling yourself that

God loves us, imperfections and all, which is one thing I love about God..among so many others. If we stand up straight and take on what we've done and decide to carry that cross a little more confidently understanding humility in our imperfection, we should not use the word hypocrite inside of ourselves. 

It's good to be in the same boat, it is certainly a way to get close to others.

All to God

It was not a dream

Since I've been back in the States for this amount of time I have to keep reminding myself "it was NOT a dream". Sometimes I catch myself in a daydream mode and I suddenly remember that no, I have not been here more than a month yet, so why does it all seem like it's been going on forever?

In these daydream dazes I catch myself in, I become reminded of a certain thing that happened in Bosnia. If someone misspells something, for example if I type "I was writing my bog" when instead I meant "I was writing my blog" I look at the misspelled word and immediately think "God". Why? Well Bog (B-oh-g) in Bosnian means God. These unexpected reminders flash memories in my mind and then I think "right, I was there".

After these simple reminders I start remembering what little time I've been in the States and how much I have been doing since I got here. Unfortunately it's very hard to share your excitement for a place like Bosnia in a place where people know very little about the place and frankly will only tolerate about a 5 minute conversation about it. It's even more frustrating when you have no one to practice language with.

Because let's be honest..

If I just start speaking randomly, it's just random..

Also, everyone around me is apt to use the phrase "showing off"..

So as close as this past summer is, it seems far away. The experience was significant, the decisions were real, and the people are missed. It's those simple glimpses of the summer that makes me think "what happened to that?" 

I guess I feel like I got used to this normal rather quickly and it's slightly disheartening how I've melded into this place without much talk of this summer. Talking about it is good. With people who are interested. That's always good. 

So yeah that's a tidbit of what I'm feeling right now.

All to God

All I got for this week.

Have you ever been sick and taking an intensive class at the same time? Sitting in a classroom for almost 10 hours for a whole week coughing up what has built up in mucous-y lungs, feeling drowsy still because of the NyQuil you took the night before?

I'm feelin' ya.

It has given me a resulting feeling as if I am a horrible student and my teacher is not fond of me. Although I am 100% sure that at least half of that statement is not true, I am still inclined to feel it. It's just one of those times that you really know you have to push through or that $1,000 you payed will be all for not if you even miss one class. Really one of the worst weeks to be sick.

My intensive is on the book of Matthew. If I were fully healthy this class would intrigue me very much, but I CANNOT focus.

It's been a hard week. Bottom line. But I just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it because this weekend is just as busy as this week. Yeah, well enough about me.

Today some new students are coming to town. They are moving in the dorms and they will be a part of our family. I am going to be a part of the system that helps them along the way (not just new students but all..) and I ask that you pray for them. I ask that you pray for their year at MACU, that they will be shown how they can best serve God in the Kingdom. Thanks.

All to God

This week in the Homeland...

It's been a little over a week since I've written you, a lot has bee going on since I've been back in the States. It was my first time travelling internationally alone and it was a huge success. The entire 9 hour flight I could swear that plane barely moved due to turbulence. God was really with me the whole time I was travelling.

Being home for a few days was very nice, catching up on sleep (kinda) was glorious. This week it was back to school for a moment to undergo RA training. It's been good fun being with fellow RA's and just getting comfortable with one another again, especially as a team. Although this week has been very tiring, it has made me very excited to take on this responsibility.

It's still a battle of packing and moving, packing and moving. Soon this will end and some kind of normal will come out of this. My first semester is not met with an easy tasks, just have to keep my head up and keep on keepin' on I suppose.

Thank you for your prayers this past summer and please continue to pray as I am on the verge of graduating and moving forward with plans to return to Bosnia for a year. You all have been an incredible encouragement to me and that's cool, really cool.

All to God

Unfinished business

I'm not the first to have felt this way, but as my impending day of departure is nearly at the doorstep, I must say, I am leaving unfinished business. I'm no busy body and I'm not saying there was absolutely no downtime here, because there was, just some business in my heart that is left undone. It's like I'm leaving something behind and that something is very valuable.

It's a feeling of elation and desperation because of the things I've done and the people I've met, I am elated to know these people and have the opportunity to do these things. Desperation comes when you know you can no longer have a friendship in person, face to face, until you can return. Desperate to continue meeting in the same place instead of via internet or mail. Let me counteract my point by saying I am very thankful that the world is at our fingertips, using the technology we have, if we use it in a wise manner.

Not to mention the unfinished business of fully learning this language.

I am very happy to be getting back to the people I've loved my entire life, and those I've come to know and love throughout the years. For a while now I've started to see the shape of my own heart, tonight it is full of love. It sounds really cliche but it's true, I can't help that these people, even those I can't communicate well with have taken hold of me. I know all of this sounds dramatic...sometimes that's just how my way of writing out love can be.

Mark my words

Ja ću doći opet

(Yeah that was supposed to be dramatic)

Well my friends thank you for the prayers and also there is something else to pray about going on this month that you should click on the highlighted words (link) and really spend some time praying about. That's just my suggestion. Anyway, thank you for your love and being here with me this summer through prayer and encouragement. You are such a blessing.

All to God