Leaving the Playground

Many times we ask ourselves the wrong questions, we become afraid when we answer the wrong questions because these answers are not the answers we should focus on. When we do this to ourselves it creates a mess in our brain that unless we start asking ourselves the right questions and concluding with the right answers, we might just drive ourselves into twisted unanswered confusion.

And that ain't no way to live.

When we start going back to what's pure about the very start of this mess we created for ourselves we can see where we can end up once again. Satan likes to pile up our insecurities about our thoughts and how we view others and ourselves. Insecurity is certainly the Devil's playground...and it's open to the public. 

Insecurity makes us question our very hearts with gut-wrenching intensity. It even makes us question our good parts; morals, religion, love, humanity, and all that is pure about these things and more. 

But we belong to a patient God that allows us to freak out and then come to him begging for understanding about our own selves. He is truly a counselor, He is able to make the playground a desolate, underpopulated, decrepit piece of land that is up for rezoning and and reclaiming for the better of the community that surrounds it. 

God calls us to ask him the hard questions even about our own lives because like a father he wants to know what lays heavy on the heart of his children. He will answer those questions in due time, and in his time those answers are magnified for his glory. 

Praise God that he keeps us close and whispers the answers in the serenity of his love and compassion for us. Because I think somewhere the Lord told that guy Jeremiah that he had plans for his welfare and not for evil...for something like a future and a hope.

If I know my God, he wants the same for us in the modern era, because our God is constant and in this we have assurance. Praise be.

All to God

Heart and Wallet

It's already happening....graduates amnesia. This is a condition where a current graduate from an institute of learning somehow forgets that the rest of their friends are not graduates and continues to ask them "what are you doing tomorrow?" or something of the like. This question only to be met with the obvious answer such as  a confused yet sarcastic remark like "Ummm...going to class." Yes it has run rampant in this brain of mine.

But in other news about conditions concerning the brain, I have this issue where my brain likes to latch the majority of its focus on something. It used to be school and having to reach an end goal by a certain point a "just stick with it" mentality. Since I no longer have to focus on school, this focus has taken a turn towards my job. My small little job that won't last for much longer because of the end of the season is taking over my focus space, when in reality it should be filled with support raising.

I do not want support raising to be my side job because it is part of my "career." That is hard when the job that pays you money is where you spend the majority of your time. It is hard to do both. This has been both my struggle and an annoyance to me as I know what I should be doing in both areas but yet I don't know how to make significant time for them both.

Oh....the struggle.

I know where my heart lies and I know where my wallet lies....how to balance this is something of a mystery, but this is yet another classroom in a different form. I'm not sure if I am passing, I suppose time will tell and I am confident that God will see me through on both accounts, and that comforts me.

Well I shall keep you posted through my goings and comings and everything throughout. If you are praying for me and this year-long journey I am trying to take by next June, I appreciate every word uttered. What am I saying, if you are praying for me in general I am most appreciative. Thank you.

All to God

A Beautiful Thing

When I started this journey this summer as a graduate from an institution of higher education in Biblical exposition and cross-cultural ministries, living with international people, and grabbing a job that is just that...a job, in the Outer Banks of NC, I thought it different. There was a time where dreamworld seemed to take over in the few days before moving to the house on the sound side. But I think I didn't even have this much culture shock when I spent two summers in Bosnia.

I was shoved out of a world of homework, tests, and performance stress and after 17 years of schooling suddenly I have a Bachelor's degree and need to hold a job to pay off massive amounts of debt. So there I sat in a new house in a new place, with new people who still insisted their worldview into our everyday lives which meant flexibility on both parts even though flexibility seemed to be questionable at times. It was a strange concept to be in my own culture and still having to do a few things slightly more customarily to what someone else believes is appropriate.

When I thought about how this summer would be, I thought much of it would be spent on the beach when I wasn't at work (which isn't entirely off course), busting my hump with support raising which has regrettably somewhat taken a bit of a back-burner because of my focus on my job, and running everyday getting my workout on...but alas that has suffered dramatically as well.

It's not at all worked out the way I had planned but it hasn't been a disaster, and that is the beautiful thing about not being completely in control. It is the blissfully wonderful thing about being merely human and only having a limited amount of ability to fashion the course of our lives. Although I am stressing a little bit about support raising and although I am facing a higher number in debt, and even though sometimes I have a bad attitude about my situation, I seem to perk up in a short while because I know who holds my future, my faith is secure because I know who is the author and perfecter of it. I praise him for letting me be able to let go of control that I sometimes deem as rightfully mine. It is a beautiful thing.

All to God

Venting

It's raining, I'm tired of working, yes I'm complaining. I'm tired of all this Chick fil a business because it doesn't matter, I want to smack every politician and office holder right in the face and scream,"DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS?" I miss my boyfriend, I miss having time, I miss my friends.

I feel all tangled up inside. It's one of those moments where I really just want to be free of everything, like hit the road and go very far away and see what I will see.

But you can never be free of it all, the only way to do that is by being released from these bodies of ours. That will only happen in death or by the coming of Christ.

I find myself falling into this state of stagnant life and I'm definitely not made for that. Every piece of me desires to break from that. I'm not a 9-5 worker, I can't just work a job and feel as if this is where I am supposed to be.....it's just not who I am.

And one more vent about CFA, it makes me angry that millions of Christians would go buy massive amounts of fast food because some people believe that the CEO or whatever shouldn't disagree with homosexuality. It only makes me angry because there are people trying to spread the gospel who need money to do so, and people are so willing to jump on buying billions of dollars worth of chicken but when preachers, youth ministers, any type of Christian minister is in need of funds because they believe in bringing Christ to people, so many are slow to respond. I don't know I'm very much venting and I need to do some praying.

All to God

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