Persecution: a story made up in my head

This is not an actual account of persecution. I have simply been pondering persecution, this is obviously not something I have encountered in my life, this is a meager attempt at putting my thoughts into story form on the subject. But if you are a parent, I ask you this very hard task of contemplating letting your children be missionaries, knowing they might not come back. Also, if you are simply reading this, in any context of ministry, I ask that you contemplate the possibility of being in a position similar to this, would you be willing to lose it all for the sake of Christ?

It's dark in here, I'm not sure what will happen from one moment to the next. I keep writing still, there is some light coming through the cracks in the walls. I think my leg is still bleeding, there is a small rag around here somewhere but it might be healthier to just leave it be rather than put that rag on the bleeding. There are about eleven of us altogether. I only have this small notebook to write on, luckily I never lost my pen in the chase.

We found this shed, we are still not safe although the shed walls are made out of concrete, they are frail it seems. However we are blessed to have a roof over our heads tonight. We have little supplies, fortunately we know how to start up a nice fire, but we have to be careful where we start a fire, they might come and inquire who has started it. Over the past three days we have killed and gathered what we eat, we have tried to stay near the river for water.

All of this because someone left their Bible on the bench of an abandoned house we were using for church. They send out dogs to sniff us out. Some had been noticing that we were gathering there, but we were discreet enough to not raise suspicion, until someone's son had wandered to the house and picked up the Bible. In an alarm he raced to his father's house and brought him back to where the Bible was. They then called the authorities. One of our beloved brother's in Christ lost his life three days ago because they asked did he believe in the God of the Christians, he answered yes. He was native to this country (I don't write his name for fear that this will be found thus bringing trouble to his family).

We fled. About an hour after they had found the Bible and killed him we knew it was time to move. So they started looking for White faces, they had apparently made the assumption that there were missionaries here. They had been successful in this part of the country in keeping Christianity out, God must have really wanted us here because though we went through vigorous interviews about our intentions here. We even got Bibles here and at least every family in our congregation had at least one.

We are scared senseless, it was not our agenda to lose our homes, our congregation, our friends, and possibly our lives for the sake of Christ. Though it wasn't our agenda, before we even left the States four years ago we knew that this could be a very good possibly, and we came willing to lose it all for the sake of Christ. Now we are putting our faith to the test, so far the eleven who are still here among us are not ready to give up and praise God for that.

Among us there is a family of four, a man who doesn't know where his wife is, his son, myself and the rest of the team. All who have a great faith in God. We sing songs as we sit in our hiding spots worshiping Him. We repeat verses from memory to one another as we walk, but we keep it at a whisper.

I think the bleeding is stopping, we had to run through thick woods tonight, I think I scraped my leg on a low branch.

I keep praying about the rest of the congregation and hoping that they are keeping the faith and not denouncing God. I hope if they have kept the faith and died because of it that I will see their healed faces when we return Home. I remember back when we were exploring persecution in college, and I told myself that if I ever got into this situation that I would be obedient to Him. It was slightly distant back then, but now it's real. I used to hear about missionaries being persecuted, even read books about it. Now it's not a book, it's my life.

Whatever comes of this, however surreal it might be, I pray for the blind at heart, that they might understand life is not about all the things America can give them. It's not about the pay increase or decrease, not about the promotion you attain, the 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom house you acquire. It's not about who has the biggest bombs, or even as simple as winning the argument about who took out the trash last. It's about how you love one another, and most importantly where your heart stands with God and for God.

I pray that the people of this place can see through our example that Christ is real and he is the true King, and that God is the loving father they don't want people to know about. I pray that they might fall to their knees with hearts full of repentance. I pray that they might have a passion for Christ that puts authority to shame. I pray that their lives can be a shining example in this place.

Hoping to live another day is something I thought I would never have to do, and God says to me "you will live another day, even if you die for my sake". This is the thing that has overcome the world, our faith. God is good, even as I sit in this abandoned shed with ten other people with little to eat, unsure about what to do next, he is good and his love endures not only through this night, but forever. Praise be to the Father who has loved us even through transgression, he deserves nothing less than my utter allegiance to Him, even until death.

All to God

Pseudo-missions office

My side of the dorm room has been slowly morphing to look a lot like a missions office. I mean these are the things that makes the scene:
1. Cut out of the country of Bosnia my sister did for me when I came back.
2. Verses written in Bosnian all over
3. Missions books everywhere some titled "On Being a Missionary", "Discovering Missions", "Missionary Methods, St. Paul's or Our's?", "Revolution in World Missions", "Cross Cultural Connections" and so on.
4. Pictures of said mission trip from last year
5. Small photo album of missionaries to pray for
6. Huge Bosnian flag on the ceiling
7. Newly added world map on my wall which is pretty darn large
8. I have the coffee pot sitting out, just as an office would (eh I count it)

So yes, this was not intentional but it's a little funny. A person would pretty much be able to tell what I love if they walked into my room, and I'm diggin' that. So here's a little taste of what I'm talking about:

So I know it's not like BLAM office, but it is a lot of missions type things, and I love it, it makes me happy. All of my religions books, everything is just preparation for what lies ahead. Keeps me motivated.

All to God

Gloomy days

Man, it's a nasty, nasty day outside. I don't want to go back to school today (but by today I mean I wish I was already graduated), yet again one of my nasty habits of trying to speed up time. Old man Winter must be a jealous soul today, cutting in the line again! Spring just takes it in stride.

For the most part I think it will be a quiet day. I can thank that Old man for it, he tends to slow everybody down. His long grey beard covering the sky seems to make people ready for a couch or a bed.

He's a stinker, that old man. But the Lord created him and though this is only remnants of old man Winter, He will use those remnants to promote Spring's fun and delicate life she brings. But for today, for this moment, for now:

All to God

Unexpected Acquaintance

Sometimes we go through our weekly routine of doing thing and going places that we normally go. We expect it to be somewhat similar to the normal experience we have with these routines. Sometimes we get surprised by the unexpected outcome of our "normal" things we do or places we go.

In a blog prior to this I explained that me and my sister go to a local coffee shop every Wednesday to just catch up, release, and have fun together. This has been the normal thing we do on Wednesdays and we pretty much know what to expect when we go there and sit down. However today was rather different.

It all came about because of the lack of electrical outlets at this coffee shop. I'm saying this place should have them lining the walls because of all the internet use, might as well even become somewhat of a BYOC (bring your own computer) internet cafe.

The lack of outlets caused a woman to have to sit very near to me and my sister to receive battery power for her laptop. Needless to say me and my sister's American side kicked in (we tend to like our personal space and are not very comfortable if strangers sit near us) apparently our moms taught us "stranger danger" a little too well.

I use the term "American side" because this woman was of a different culture, English with a heritage of Indian (you know like India). So being a student of culture as well as a student of the Bible, I quickly hushed my American side because her comfortability with sitting next to us was refreshing. Little things caught my interest in the difference of culture, although she has been in the U.S. for a number of years now culture is not an easy thing to lie down. Her openness was well, open yet nice for a change of pace. We even got the privilege of driving her to where she was staying at the moment. She expected us to drop her off in front of the house on the street, but we pulled right in the driveway

We are used to lazy Americans wanting to get as close to the front door 

so they won't have to walk as far.

So she was not expecting us to pull onto the property, but we are so used to it, we didn't think anything of it. She showed us pictures while we were all sitting in the coffee shop, told us what she was doing in her life, telling us about her beautiful daughter. She was a cultural oddity, but a welcomed oddity because I love culture. 

But one thing I could not shake, one thing I hope to be able to communicate with her in the future. I wanted to ask this question the whole time, but the timing did not seem appropriate. Do you know Jesus? Did she? I don't know, surely she must have learned the name but did she know him? Did I sack a chance to share Jesus with someone? Well she seemed willing to keep the lines of communication open, giving me her e-mail and phone number. I hope that if she doesn't know or believe in the saving grace of Jesus that maybe I can shed some light on it. Maybe one day.

All to God

What I have written...

Pilate. Pilate was a significant figure in the leading up too and crucifixion of Jesus. Pilate did not agree that Jesus was guilty, it seems to me that Pilate even believed Jesus was of more significance then some blasphemer. Something struck me as I was skimming through the Gospels to find a verse with relevance to what I was writing. John 19:22, Pilate gives Jesus his title while he is on the cross:

JESUS OF NAZARETH

KING OF THE JEWS

In John 19:22 Pilate is answering the chief priests when they say "Do not write, 'The King of the Jews'. . ." Pilate answers in verse 22 "What I have written, I have written." Pilate does not give them explanation, and they question him no more because of his high authority. 

This scenario could be wrong but this is the way I see this being played out, Jesus had just been put up on the cross. Pilate seeing the innocent man suffer in agony, knew in his heart that Jesus was who he said he was. He takes out a writing tablet, in silence possibly somber, as he is finishing up ...King of the Jews, the chief priests come over. They say in disgusted voices "Do not write, 'The King of the Jews'. . ." and Pilate calmly answered them saying "What I have written, I have written."

Pilate was a part of the wrongdoings to Christ. The Jews saying that if he let him go he is no friend of Caesar's. Pilate put his own high position in front of the moral thing to do, that he knew was right in his heart. Pilate was right when he wrote this inscription above Jesus on the cross, not to mock him, but to tell the truth. It was the precious gift of guilt that made him proclaim Jesus was King, Pilate just didn't understand how powerful a King Jesus was (is) at the time. 

HAIL JESUS OF NAZARETH

KING OF THE WORLD

Jesus is King.

All to God

God's grip

It's Sunday morning and as I sit on the couch waiting for 9:30 so I can go get dressed, thoughts from yesterday continue to linger. I don't think God is letting his grip on my mind get any looser. Ever since I had decided to become a missionary I had a sensitive spot in my heart for those in the world without Christ. Ever since, it's as if God keeps saying at the exact right times "See these faces who have not loved me, tell them about me, because I love them, and they keep dying and will never live with me."

I can't take it. It breaks my heart into pieces. Last night as I ate spaghetti for supper I could not help thinking about how the Japanese along the coasts are having to flee to gyms and other massive areas for food and water. I could only think about how Libya (if it already isn't) would be war torn, and food would be hard to come by. I sat there in my comfortable home, in a comfortable seat, with my hot spaghetti and cold tea, and could have just ignored the fact that suffering was happening but I couldn't.

I don't think God is going to let me be leisurely, I don't know that he wants me to lead the good life as people know it. Frankly I'm right there with him. I don't want those things, I've never been one to strive to be rich or want a huge house or anything like that, I don't care if I have to live in a grass hut as long as the Lord is working in my life and helping bring others to him.

God is good and he brings these things to our attention to keep us level, but sometimes I believe he brings these things to let us know about the urgency in our lives to show people Jesus. God brought my heart low to see and know about the catastrophe the world is in now (although its always been a catastrophe).

I want to go and let people know that they are loved instead of hated or ignored

I want them to know that God wants them to know that too

I want them to understand that they could live in peace one day

I want them to know Jesus

All to God

Running for their lives

There is no one like our God. Worthy of exaltation, praise, love, worship, service. His plan is beautiful, his love is extravagant, his faithfulness is outstanding, and we cannot compare. He is Lord of all, Creator and Sustainer of all things. My God is ever so worth everything.

I am taken back at his mercy, I am uplifted by his grace. Tonight my heart is wrought with praise and sorrow. I praise my God, I praise him for the life he has given me, I praise him for giving me all the reasons in the world to have faith in him. I lift his name high as I celebrate his magnificent creation, I praise him for brothers and sisters in Christ who teach me everyday. I praise him for the hearts he makes ready for him to enter. I praise him because he is worthy of praise.

I cannot help but to mourn for those who die apart from Christ. Recently Japan has made headlines with its very tragic earthquake and tsunami. I cannot help but think of those who have died without knowing Jesus. I have caught myself stopping to recap the video I saw of the tsunami, and I keep finding myself amazed and traumatized because of the power of it all. As I watched the water whisking away boats and other large things that seem unmovable, I also noticed people running for their lives. If they did not know Jesus they were running for their lives, and rightly so, they had no promise, no assurance of salvation.

It has been said that through this tragedy blessing has occurred. People are becoming more open to the Gospel because of the imminent desperation. Picture this:

Those people who have survived being told of God and his redemptive plan. Curious, they study, more and more they become intrigued, they even catch themselves praying in times of hopelessness. Then they decide to give their lives to Christ...

They go and are baptized in the very waters that destroyed everything in its path. And there was one more added to their number.

Like that Michael Gungor song says, "You make beautiful things out of us". How true a statement is this. Our God is worthy of praise because he is able to make beautiful things out of this tragedy. He is able. There is no one like our God.

All to God

May God bless Japan and the workers for the Kingdom who are already established and those motivated to be established. May he guide the people that their hearts may be stirred for him. Our God is able.

Devoted sisters

So since the days have grown closer to the time that I am legitimately the only single person in my family, me and my sister have set aside Wednesday afternoons, after our last class of the day we go to our local coffee shop and just hang out and talk. Her life is catapulting into wedding planning and still is occupied by homework and things that take her time academically. So in response to the rising moment of the nuptials and thus her having a life that is even more consumed with upholding a marriage, job, school, and responsibilities within a church, we have decided to spend a while together during the week.

 Unfortunately when my oldest sister was getting married I was too young and far too naive to understand that I would not be able to interact much with just me and her together. However, in light of reviewing the above plan and distributing that time properly between sisters I must admit I have been unfair, I have failed in regard to finding a specific time that me and my oldest sister can just sit down and just be with one another. I see her every weekend and we sit at my mom's house together, sometimes it is just me and her, other times it's every one. This is great, I love having my family around me, but the time I share with one sister is not the same kind of time I share with the other.

I'm not ok with this aspect of distributing relationship time with my sisters, I love them both very much. I love spending time at the coffee shop, I would not stop it for anything, it's a good time and feels very nice afterward to know what is happening in my sister's life. However it does not feel good to constantly be in uncertain relationship time, although that impromptu time with my biggest sister is valued, it's nice to know that you will have that time.

But I won't always have this certain time with either of them.

Planning on going into the mission field overseas does not give that certainty of time, my sister getting married does not give me certainty of time, my oldest sister finding a career and being a ministers wife does not give me certainty of time. 

This means that in the time that we have now to be together is valuable and I have not been using it fairly or to the extent that I should because it is a blessing. I love them both greatly, God put them in my life to be wonderful support, bountiful love, and a pull back down to reality when needed. I have a responsibility to be that to them as well, equally. If I cannot nurture relationships the way they need to be nurtured then I have no business on the mission field. That is not the driving factor as to why I want to enhance the relationship between me and my sisters but it is an important parallel. The driving factor is I love God, I love my family, my sisters are terribly important people in my life so I should want them both in my life. I do! This is why I have come to this conclusion. The Bible says that three strands are strong, well, we are three sisters of the same blood, different personalities, serving the same God. He has blessed me greatly.

All to God

Sea billows

Most of the time when we are singing praise and worship to our King, our God, to the Savior of the world, we can get emotional. No matter the emotion it evokes, there is some kind of emotion. Lots of times when we feel these emotions our faces mimic the feelings romping around inside. If not our faces then our eyes, I know especially for me, they can tell you how I feel at the moment. I realize we all lift up praise differently, and that's okay.

But when I look around and I see tired faces with trained lips spitting out empty words that actually mean a whole lot, with bored eyes, it doesn't sit with me well. It's more than just another hymn or song. As long as it stands firm in doctrine, shouldn't we just be overly excited? Especially in a country that we can dance on the streets freely singing these songs (we might be acting like fools to some...). Aren't we supposed to be fools for God, yet not being foolish with his name, or his covenant with us?

Some churches begin worship as such:

Turn to hymn 215 singing only the first, second, and last stanzas, standing as we sing.


Why stand if we only think in our minds how we want to sing back down because this is a particularly long hymn? We sang this song in church and it stirred emotion in me:

Since Jesus came into my heart
Since Jesus came into my heart
Floods of joy o'er my soul like sea billows roll
Since Jesus came into my heart


I pondered sea billows, seems like powerful waves just jumping and heaving in the ocean. If floods of joy comes over my soul like sea billows, then why am I not acting like it? Looking around at the congregation I cannot say what was going on inside of them, but it seemed to me by the expressions on their face that sea billows did not overtake them as they worshiped. Like I said I cannot be their judge on how satisfactory their worship was to the Lord, and I'm no holier than thou worshiper by any means. Sometimes I am sickened by my lack of emotion during worship.

I think about the lack of emotion I had the first time I was in a worship service completely in a different language that I had never studied at all in life. My mouth was just trying to form the words and my brain was working over time to help my mouth spit out the words correctly. But when I stopped to look around, when I stopped my meaningless jumbled thing I called "worship" to look at those who knew what these words meant, I saw worship. They weren't jumping around, they stood by their seats, maybe a hand or two lifted, eyes closed, faces racked with the emotions that stirred inside. Being the one that didn't understand these words made me feel like a non-believer might feel in an American worship service;

What is this talk of blood of the Lamb?
Can anyone tell me who Hosanna is? I don't know her.
Oh ok, Jesus I know that guy. Man, these people seem really legitimate about this. Kinda nice.


This is not a post against traditional or contemporary or non-instrumental whatever. It is about the way we treat this beautiful celebration we call worship. Don't think for a moment that I am a dynamic worshiper, if there can be dynamic worshipers. I just love to worship my Lord, sometimes it might be hollow, other times, most times, I can't help but think of the implication of the words coming out of my mouth.

UP FROM THE GRAVE HE AROSE!!! With a mighty triumph o'er his foes.


Yes! Be excited! Jesus rose from the grave! He triumphed death! He is victor! So when you sing of it will you not be excited? He is worthy of your singing, dancing, flailing, raised hands, closed eyes, emotion filled soul. He is worthy.

Let the floods of joy like sea billows overtake you.


All to God

Updated

So those of you who read this excuse for a blog (joking) maybe notice I have done some changing. I have added  an "about me" section named "enough about me" where if for some reason you need to know a little something about me there are some fun facts. Also, I've added a contact page entitled "you can find me here" just some ways you or a friend of yours or a friend of a friend of yours can get in touch with me, I'm not that important but on the off chance, it's there for ya.

I've also added the more important of the pages named "words of truth". This will be a page where I will be posting a verse that struck me in my "reading the Bible" time. This will give you, the reader, a look into what I am currently reading and contemplating about as I attempt to read and ponder this wonderful gift God has supplied us with; The Word of God. I hope that in some way it can be a blessing, it is for me because I get to share scripture from my personal reading with you guys.

So please, check it out, feedback is always great, but even if there is none, I hope you enjoy.

All to God

Loving what you do is always a plus

It is crazy what you can focus on when you are not in school. This week I have done so much because of break; Put in a faucet, cleaned out a barn, prepared a birthday celebration early for my mom, and focused a lot on preparation for this summer.

I've written letters and worked on language that I learned from the previous summer. It is great being able to focus on what you're passionate about. I love school, what I learn is valuable and interesting to me, but when I start putting my energy into what I love nothing can beat it. Preparation for it even brings excitement and pleasure, writing letters is not a daunting task, I enjoy it. Because there is something about letting other people come along with you. When I say this I really mean through their gifts financially and through their coveted prayers. I don't just write that in my letters to pull at my supporter's heartstrings, I mean it.

It's all about people knowing Jesus ya know?

I'm telling ya, I've started working hard on the language when I can, reading out of the translated New Testament when I can. It's great what all you can focus on when school is not your main priority for the moment.

New words from the Rjecnik always help one with vocabulary.

Going back to the trusty language notebook not only brings back painful memories of not being able to pronounce the "Lj" sound correctly, but also refreshes the mind of what I could understand.

Reading a little of God's word in a different language certainly has made me have to go and look some words up to understand the meaning!

It's been great working on what is very important to me this week. I love learning the language even on my own, and just studying about Bosnia, preparing for the people I will meet is absolutely fantastic! I'm excited more than anything about the possibility of sharing Jesus with them! I'm very grateful I get to spend another summer there to see how God moves in this country, and how he might use me!

Hvala Bogu thank God

All to God

I found the missions section...

Before break I realized I really needed another book to read over this week-long reason to breath. So being in our library as it were, I found the missions section of books. I was ecstatic because I had been regretfully ignoring this portion of the library to pick out "for fun" reads. After little search, I found books that have been mentioned in missions classes so I thought, no brainer.

My eyes fell on the book Through Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot. Three years ago in my missions intro class we read The Great Omission and we talked about the other book and there were positive remarks made, so I thought I should give it a whirl.

I have been blessed by this book, as I'm sure many others have as well. I'm not finished with it yet but daaaaaannnngg it's serving me well thus far.

As I have been reading it I have been reflecting on how I view myself in the world of missions.

Do I have the faith that these men and their wives had?

Am I as big a fool for God as I should be?

Could I be a pioneer?

Well I have prayed about where I stand and how I will grow in my position in where God leads me. I keep praying because it's all that gives me direction and secures faith tightly. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it, whether you are sold out to full time missions, or just feel that it is important, heck even if missions is not in your scopes, it's a good book either way.

I just want to share the news of the Lord with the world, wherever that leads me I will comply with the will of God. This book has given me lives of actual dynamic missionaries who committed their lives to the will of God. I'm glad God has given us such dynamic people in the history of missions to help us keep motivated and inspired. I'm also glad that God has people who keep the records of these peoples' lives to be able to write about them later.

I might not be a Nate Saint, Jim Elliot, or Roger Youderian and those of the like, but I am confident that God will use me in the field, wherever.

All to God

What happens when: you're blessed beyond recognition

To be blessed beyond recognition obviously implies that you do not recognized how blessed you are even when you are surrounded by your blessings day in and day out. When this happens we tend to fall prey to complaining and being dissatisfied with what we have...if only I had _____, life would be so much better.

We can have a house with two cars in the drive-way, well behaved, imaginative children, a wonderful spouse even though you have those rough patches. Not that I would know much, if anything about marital uproar since I have never been married, it's just an example. But there are just some blessings we are so privileged to have that we see everyday, but it's only a passing glance.

Or maybe you recognize your blessing and are continuously thankful of it, but perhaps with this blessing, you are more blessed than originally thought. That's kind of confusing, let me explain through my own recognition (if you've read this on facebook...well it's worth telling again because I am TOO excited about how God led me to it by simple providence).

Much about my support raising to go back to Bosnia has not been a huge stressor. God has blessed my life with beautiful people who care about the world and those who want to go out into it for the Kingdom. They continue their prayers for me and I cannot thank them enough.

Last night I was counting the support money to make sure I had done my math correctly in confirming that with all the support considered I would have the full $1800 I needed for Bosnia. In doing the math again I got the same figure as last time $1873, that's $73 over budget. After getting that done and praising the Lord that he has provided for me yet again and then some, I looked at the calendar I keep on my computer. Come to find out when I started raising support back in September I had put on the date of March 6th (the halfway mark of my leaving for Bosnia) a goal of having $900 on this date. I figured half way date, half of the money, seems logical.

Well when I checked this I looked at the time, it was 12:30am March 6th. Today is the half way mark to leave for Bosnia. I have all of the money I need. And then some.

I have all the money I need. And then some.

I just needed to emphasize that if you didn't catch it. So not only did God bless me with half the money, but all of it on the date in which I had set a goal for only half. God blessed me more than I originally thought and I am praising him for that....a lot.

Thank God for His continuous and non-failing grace, love, and faithfulness to us.

All to God