In My Bed, In Bosnia.

I just remembered the dream I had last night. I dreamed (once again...) that I went back home to the U.S. and that's when the anxiety started. Normally in my dreams I don't get anxious, and I have had this type of dream before only what I felt in this dream was magnified about 100x's. In this dream I knew I was dreaming.

I had made it back home (it was a little blurry) and I began to see the blurry faces of my family members when I panicked and said to myself "No, no, this is a dream, all I have to do is wake up and I will be in my bed in Bosnia!." So moments later I woke up. I woke up in my bed in Bosnia, and the first thought I had in my head was "I'm still here!" Now here's a little more context; every time I have had a dream like this I have been getting home early...like months earlier than I should. Every time I am glad to see my family but something inside of me is telling me that this is wrong and I feel strange and out of place.

This time apparently, my subconscious decided to not even entertain the idea of me going home earlier than planned. I couldn't even get a clear picture but I knew I was home but not because I was supposed to be. I woke up and instantly felt better like everything was right.

But let me get something straight since my family reads this...

This in no way implies that I don't miss you or that I don't want to be with you. I wish we could be together so much and while I am excited for the day I get to kiss your faces and hug your necks, I know where my place is right now. I know I have a purpose here and I have to live it out, and while I miss you so, I cannot deny the magnetic pull that this place seems to have on my heart (and apparently my subconscious). 

I was a weird dream, and one of the few where I actually realized I was dreaming while participating in the dream. I remember running away from the blur of what the dream was becoming and then I woke up relieved to find myself in my bed, in Bosnia. 

To my family, I miss you way more than I let on, and I love you deeply. I am glad that I am here and serving in ways I couldn't have foreseen otherwise. The love I have seen, given, and received has been overflowing and I can't help but love being here even when the days are hard. I do love it, and I choose to love it, everyday.

I'll come home, you better believe that, but not quite yet.

All to God

White Carriage: Sensible Pumpkin

I think the worst thing about growing up is actually realizing that there is no other choice but to take up your responsibilities and deal with them like a man (or woman...). I think there comes a time in every young adults life where their internal clock strikes twelve and the beautiful carriage turns into a pumpkin that all of a sudden you realize you can cook and actually utilize.

I've been growing up in two contexts; one that taught me that I am responsible for myself and that people may help but in the end you must have the motivation yourself to take care of you. The other context is now currently teaching me that while the first context is correct, I also must be willing to help others, give of myself even when I get tired (...Do not grow weary of doing good deeds.) This context is stretching me beyond what I thought and I'm realizing that I can stretch more if need be.

I'm learning how to be a woman, in that I do not want to learn how to cook because it is thought to be my place, but because I want to make a home one day, and maybe I want my kids to say "my mom makes the best _____ ever." I'm learning by examples in life how a wife must respect her husband without being unheard. I am learning that virtue is rare these days and I should strive to have some. I've actually enjoyed the moments where in a Bosnian household they let me help serve the meals how every young woman learns how to serve the household and its guests.

But growing up has its advantages; you learn who you are, you find identity in Christ (if you believe in this sort of thing..I do.) You find out who your friends are, you figure out the kind of things you would want in a husband (or wife), no more wandering about, and when it finds you then it has found you. Yeah you might owe a lot of money because of those college years, but you also find out that money isn't everything and the good Lord provides for those who love him. You get to figure things out on your own.

You don't only have to rely on what you have been told, but rather what you make of it all.

Growing up is difficult and I have a lot of it yet to do. But I'm convinced that growing up does not include becoming this person who has it all figured out and gets to decide who hasn't made it to their level of maturity. I'm more inclined to believe it's a process full of laughter, grief, self-pity, achievement, motivation, selfishness, unselfishness, humility, self-realization, love, and lots of grace. It's a mess to grow up, with moments of clarity in between what seems like chaos; good or bad. 

Becoming an adult, whoever thought of such a crazy thing? But it's worth it in the end, especially if you have the privilege of a long life. Many of whom I know that have this privilege tell me that they still haven't grown up. I would have to agree that growing up is not a linear process, but a tangled mess without an end-point, and it is beautiful. For the most part I've enjoyed my tangled mess of adulthood as a woman and child of God. 

Growing and learning everyday, and that's just how it's got to be.

All to God

Raw

These days I have been thinking about my boundaries that I set for myself throughout my life and how they are hindering me (or, rather, I am hindering myself). So when I get in a situation of say, dancing at a special needs party with friends and wonderful kids who were made EXACTLY the way they were supposed to be, sometimes I have to give myself a pep talk and remind this heart of mine.

It's not about you.

I've likened it to raw skin (sorry to be so graphic). I've noticed how limited I have made myself and I have deemed it unfit to be part of the work being done here. So I'm lopping it off. I'm letting the raw skin angrily burn and I'm putting no band-aid over it. I'm allowing time and the soothing balm of self-growth to heal the rawness. I know this is all a little strange. 

So when I was at this party, which was entirely unexpected, I went to the bathroom in the beginning to obviously use for its intended purposes but also to say necessary words to myself. Emilie, go dance with these kids, you probably can't understand a word they say, but darn it...you go have fun with these people, and love them because it's all about loving them. Yes, I said something to this effect out loud to myself, because I just need to most of the time.

And guess what happened....it was awesome. They were so happy. I was so happy to show some love to these sweet people. I was blessed by them, overly blessed, I'm glad I got into the thick of things otherwise I would have been the stuck up, no fun, foreigner. I'd rather dwindle that down to just a foreigner (something I will never escape). 

So there will be other moments throughout life here that the raw skin will just have to ache and burn because in the end it's worth it. I've definitely not arrived, and I never will, however the road to arriving will be winding yet awesome. I hope you can understand what it is I am trying to say because sometimes stuff sounds better in my head. 

By the way...kids, they are something else. In a good way.

All to God

Breaking Boundaries Bit by Bit

There are all sorts of ways to have fun with other people, even people we don't know. There are also many unexpected ways to have fun with people who may be simply acquaintances with the possibility of becoming a good friend. To many to count really, and sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zones to find these people and have fun with them.

Never did I think I would find it in an Oriental dance class, and by "Oriental" I mean...mostly belly dancing.

Yes.

I said belly dancing.

Oh, but it's so much more.

If you know me at all you know that I don't like to dance seriously in public. I can only dance like a crazy person with no style or grace attached to my movements, however this class is all about style and grace and at first it made me feel very strange. I felt extremely out of place since Oriental style dancing has a few motions that I would not do outside of that classroom or maybe with a female audience of whom are my good friends. So when I heard that a lot of my teammates wanted to try out this class I was like...no absolutely not.

Then something convicted me. It's a good way to make friends, a good language lesson, and an overall great workout. Would I even begin to be a fool for the sake of the possibility to even speak Jesus into the life of another person I might meet in this class? So my answer changed to a whimpering ...ok, I guess I could give it a try. 

So I stepped across the boundary I had set for myself and I went. Come to find out we have the sweetest teacher we could possibly have for this class and as of recently found out that our classmates are just as sweet. I have moments that I think while in the class "did I ever think I would be so concerned with choreography in an Oriental dance class in Bosnia?" 

As I have come to find out while I have been here, I have drawn lines and noticed that I drew them in vain, because the very next step I must take is crossing those lines in order to grow. I often times hear "the reason you can't or aren't doing this is because you are the only one stopping you." I find this to ring true in my life more often than not, a hefty fault I must say. 

I know this dance class is just one of the many boundaries I have kept for myself that I must break down. In my "profession" there is little tolerance for inflexibility and hard boundaries. I'm glad I have kept with this class, I have met some good people through it and will continue to meet people. Because that's what it is about, the people. Some boundaries I have laid for myself are simply for the birds, and I don't need them. 

I have a lot to learn, and I'm sticking with that.

All to God

An Urgent Heart.

Ok, so by now all of you have lost faith in my blogging efforts and I could not blame any one of you in the least. My blogs have been sparse at best and I suppose that life has been going and maintaining a pace that is good and tiring. So now, gross and fresh, from the gym this morning I've sat down to write you and share something.

It's not you, it's me, you deserve better.

Anyway, let's just dive in to this mess I call thoughts from my brain.

Outside of general love for people, I have had a few people on my heart. It's not just as if I chose people at random, these are people whom I have felt desperately about. Mostly, I don't even know them very well, but it sickens my soul to think about them anywhere but inside the Savior's grace and love. 

I hope my soul stays sick for these people and many more. I want to feel the urgency, because in reality I don't have time to wait. In my humanness I continue to believe the lie that tomorrow is certain and by the very next word I type all will be the same as it was the sentence before. I know that if these people began their journey toward Christ it would probably not be a sprint but a marathon and I have no qualms with that. God is perfect and his timing is immaculate, he knows when to burden a heart and when to bring it peace and I rely on him.

I want them to know that someone already stood in their place to take away punishment. I want them to know that there is so much to life outside of this small state of consciousness. I want them to see their King and forget the disunity this country suffers, and I want them to seek to heal it with the love that they come to know. I love these people in general, and the ones who burn in my heart like a brand are a part of the whole. 

I don't know really what else to write, you understand what I'm getting at. You may have even felt the sickening in your soul when you thought about certain people being outside of Christ. It's a sort of sickening that you feel and think about constantly, and in contrast to the negative connotation that "sickening" brings with it, this you might admit is a motivational "sickening."

Please be praying for me as I seek God's wisdom and his timing and as I pray for these individuals. Pray that I may have the Spirit's leading when it comes to having conversations with these people, and be praying for dreams that God might visit them when they sleep. As always, thank you for your prayers and sparing a thought here and there, they are precious to me.

All to God.

The Good Change

Things often change. Many, many times it's a change that we do not enjoy. We have this mindset that if a time is good then it shouldn't change because for a while it's something we can count on, it feels stable, there are lots of laughs, people are kind, and hope doesn't seem so destitute.

Then it does. Then it changes and life is miserable again, friends move on in life, the laughter isn't the noise filling up a room, and now it seems everything is balancing on a teeter totter. Well...this blog post isn't about how everything constantly changes and becomes terrible. This is about a change, one that is constantly getting more and more stable the longer life goes on.

There is something that I have learned and been changing with over the past few months. Much of my mature life in following Jesus I have had this concept that actions must be bold, what we do and say must be bold for the sake of the Gospel. This concept is correct, however I was missing something that is so elementary and I am amazed at my unbelief.

I believe in the power of prayer, I always have, I know that God works through our petitions. I have read in the Bible over and over the prayers of faithful men and women who cried out to God and he answered their prayers in miraculous ways, none of which can be explained away. I grew up knowing that prayer was our gateway to God only through the sacrifice of Jesus. However, I can't continue to pretend that for a lot of my life I felt completely sure that my prayers will be answered. I knew that God heard what I had to say, but many times I questioned my belief that my prayers would be answered.

But, change has happened in a most definite way, a way that I was not expecting. Because of where we work, we lift up prayers for dreams and visions of Jesus, and wouldn't you know it...they are HAPPENING. I have always believed that God can do these things, I suppose sometimes when I prayed for wonderful things to happen somewhere in my heart there was a hint of doubt. Now there is 0% doubt in my heart that God will listen and provide what needs to happen to those he is calling to himself.

Through praying for others God has answered a prayer I have had for my life, that he would rid any of the residue of unbelief from my being. This is a change that will not feel unstable, never downturn, always constant and faithful. Although it is his will not mine that I want to be done, so I have an understanding that sometimes what I pray may be answered in different ways other than I was expecting. I have this hope that does not doubt his power, that he can come in dreams and inspire, that he can heal.

He is amazing, truly, he is the very definition of amazing. How often we forget his power, his overwhelming love, and his heart for humanity. My unbelief is like a cancer growing smaller and smaller in my body because I've been given a beautiful dose of faith in a way that I can never discount.

So yes, actions and words must be done and said in love and boldness, but as I have been challenged and I challenge the reader; be bold in your prayers, believe in nothing less than what the awesome power of God will do to answer those prayers spoken in complete faith. Be bold in words, actions, and prayer, don't give way to unbelief.

All to God.

At the Door

It has been a while since I wrote you last! My apologies, and more apologies. The time is slipping by so quickly and sometimes it's hard to keep current, however I will do my best to continue keeping you up to pace on my musings and such.

We have an emphasis on prayer. We have a mentality that if we are persistent at the door and knock that God will listen. Biblically, this is sound and we have been pounding on the door. We gather together on certain days and we lift our prayers up to God silently or out loud. Today was a rainy day, it literally rained all day long. As I looked out of the nearby window I saw umbrellas galore as the rain steadily fell from the sky.

I had a strange thought and I also thought to myself in that moment "Oh God, how you have made me to think of the cheesiest symbolisms throughout my life." This one was no different. As I stared at the abundance of umbrellas keeping heads dry I thought about one of the prayers that we pray a lot of the time.

For the Spirit to rain down on this place.

As I thought about this and noticed the umbrellas I felt it was the appropriate analogy for this place in a spiritual sense. You see, I believe that God's Spirit is moving and pouring out in abundance and we can see it in many people. However, there are many who seem immune to his working. The rain was pouring in abundance today, just as we pray for the Spirit to pour out in abundance all over this country. Many people just popped open their umbrellas and went about their day seemingly oblivious to the rain except for their initial response of repelling it or dodging it. 

This is my point, God's grace is abundant and sufficient, and it pours out like rain. Yet, many simply shield themselves off from this grace seemingly oblivious to the salvation and promise of eternity, they are not recognized as important, and so they walk through the rain and it never touches them.

This symbolism saddened me but as I heard the prayers of my friends being lifted up with honesty, thanks, and urgency I knew that God would answer them each in his own way. He already has answered our prayers in amazing ways and I know he will listen as we continue to knock at his door. 

May our perseverance continue to be strong in praying for this nation.

All to God

Exhausted

I don't get it. When will people understand that people are people and no matter what creed, race, religion, all are imperfect. I see the log in my eye and I understand that I am a girl who loves Jesus and cannot ever get it right. I can't love everyone all the time because frankly people are hard and sometimes nearly impossible to love. I tear myself apart wanting to yell at people forcing them to see my point for what it really is and knowing that I need to stay calm because slow and steady wins the race (not that I'm trying to win at anything).

The world wages a war, a war that no one on this earth will win. A war that says ALL Christians are the token children of hypocrisy and all things closed minded. A war that blames ALL Muslims for "holy wars" and terrorist attacks. A war that continues a battle for how our Earth began. A war that chooses to believe that ALL Atheists are unwilling to sit down and have a civilized conversation about God. A war that has confused love and obligation, faith and selfishness, intellect and ignorance.

It's exhausting, and I don't have an answer. I don't have answers to give people that don't believe the same as I do, otherwise my answer will be complete rubbish to their ears. I cannot give you the hard-nosed facts that you might be looking for...and no one else can either. My life revolves around one thing and one thing only: Serving Jesus with all I have.

My life does not revolve around church buildings, it does not have anything to do with multi-million dollar building funds. Nothing about my life has anything to do with what style of music you choose to play or how many people attend one congregation. It has nothing to do with an "experience" in a church. Oh and get this...the church building you stand in is not holy ground. God does not live there, get over it, it's just a brick building with a lot of fancy things in there. Also...and here's a kicker:

I don't need to see you just tell Bible stories from the pulpit. I need you to TEACH BELIEVERS HOW TO GO AND DISCIPLE because the world is dying. First and foremost I need leaders in churches to disciple their already existing believers. We don't need a feel good ceremony, nor a shaming ceremony.

The world wages a war. It rages a war because not many people how to love properly, and they don't know how to love generally. Stick with me as I, an imperfect follower of Jesus, am preaching to the choir. We are called to love the unbelievers and judge other believers out of LOVE and COMMITMENT to one another, not out of jealousy or hate. 

The war wages because we have yet to show the world who Jesus really is.

No, my life does not revolve around the word, or title "Christian" in fact I would be relieved if the word would be blotted out of existence forever. Can you tell I'm exhausted? Can you tell in the short life I have lived that I have come to some conclusions that even though men told me to believe some things that maybe...just maybe I might have found a better way? Maybe I have found that religion is like barnacles on the pilings of a pier. Adding on this and that, wavering here and there. Maybe I don't agree with some things being said from the pulpit on Sunday mornings, and maybe I don't agree with how clean the strategy of the church seems to be. I believe no religion, I have only one master in whom came life, and through whom sustains life. A master who loves and wants to be loved in return. A master who listens and responds. A master who is a rightful judge, and grace-filled one at that. 

I have the Words of my God, my Savior, and my Guide, who are one in the same. We call him Jesus, we call him Father, we call him Holy Spirit. You want me to fight with you about close-mindedness, homosexuality, Islam and jihad in the name of this religion, abortion, the big bang theory, or any other hot button thing in today's many world wars? Go ahead, I'm not going to fight you. I'm not into proving you wrong, or prove you right. You won't get to know me this way, and even if you don't want to know me or truly grasp what I believe why would I start a screaming match with you that neither of us will win? It's counterproductive on all sides. 

I'm not into fighting. Yes, I'm a soldier in this, but I'm not pointing any guns, just call me a field nurse. As for those fighting for the Church, we aren't called to fight flesh, so stop throwing grenades at those you want to share the Gospel with. This, too, is counterproductive. 

I'm torn to shreds at the way many of us reflect Jesus. He entrusted us with a task and we have adorned it with which type of worship music God accepts, and the young and old have their separate services (and the older generation wonders why the younger is sometimes so intolerant or disrespectful of their ways...you haven't taught them! You choose separation! And vice versa.) I am exhausted. 

If you found this harsh...maybe it was, or maybe you find it convicting. Maybe you agree with me. I'm not looking for affirmation. This may have been all over the place, it does feel like a little bit of my frustrations exploded, but there it is. 

I am called to love, and I accept this calling for what it means; to love. Yes, it's hard, nothing about this following Jesus business is easy...He didn't say it would be. In my life I am trying HARD to revolve everything around Jesus. It's a choice and choosing yes means going all in, giving no one a reason to dislike Jesus because of how you have portrayed him and those who love him. Yes, we are all imperfect and we will make mistakes, don't ever let anyone think otherwise as if you are above them, without sin. 

I am trying to swallow my own words. Go follow Jesus and abandon everything else that hinders you from this.

All to God

Tug O' War

We took something of a trip to Vienna, Austria this past weekend. Mainly for a routine 3 month "no more cancer" check-up for Beth (all is well!). Among all the public transportation that Vienna offers that is just so foreign to a girl who has to hop in the car make sure there is enough gas to get to the nearest Wal-Mart 20 minutes away from her home in the States, I had some time to think. If you have been following me on this crazy blog adventure that seems to never truly have a direction and are simply the wanderings of a young girl trying to figure out what it seems most people already have sorted out, you'll know that thinking is one of my favorite things and sometimes one of the worst things for me.

I was amazed to think that I have been here in Europe for a little over two months now. Even more amazed to think that I have no plans of leaving any time soon. I am triple amazed that God has opened this door to work in a land so rich in history, culture, and language. I am quadruple amazed by the people I know now and the directions and connections God has put in my path to these people. It's a bit flirty of me to say that here, I feel like adventure is at the doorstep, but it's true. I'm not saying that this life is better than any other's, what I am saying is that God couldn't have taken my heart into consideration more than he has knowing where I would be helpful and in what context.

It's a passion that plays a tug o' war (this came from my time to think). One side pulling towards this work in this place, and the other pulling towards a place far away that you call home. It's especially tense when issues are arising and have risen back home. The yearning to wrap your arms around hurting family members as life is not the same for them as it was before. Then there is the other side of the tension pulling just as hard; the passion and proclamation of a love so deep there is none like it.

And my heart aches for both.

However, I am confident in God's plan and while my heart is torn apart for issues beyond my tangible reach back home, I know that God has me here allowing me to trust in him more and then some. I do not question whether I should be here or at home during this time or not, I am sure this is where I am to be right here, right now. My heart is broken for a thing unsaid, but my faith is strong in Him who mends all things in His time which is perfection. I live in Europe, doing what I love most with some really great godly people and I could not be more blessed. It's not all roses over here either, but let's just say with what I get to wake up to, and the people I get to spend time with, and my God I get to serve, I have no room to complain.

But I do ask you my dear people, to pray for this unsaid thing concerning people back home. Thank you for your prayers...always...and never forget that.

All to God

Dirty Feet

There is something I do quite often here at night before I'm ready to go to bed. There are many nights I look down at my feet and think "this is unacceptable." The undersides of my feet will, quite frequently, look like I have been walking barefoot on dusty asphalt all day. It is only then that I realize that I don't want to put my nasty feet in my bed, so I go to the bathroom, hoist my legs over the tub, and wash them clean and pink as ever.

When I was in the States my feet didn't get nearly as dirty and I wore the exact same pair of flip-flops then as I do now. There have been a few variables that have changed to alter the cleanliness of my feet so dramatically. It is common to see me walking down the road rather than riding in a car because we don't have a car to ourselves. Much of the time our mentors need their car for this or that, and sometimes if we are going to the same place we can hitch a ride, but mostly our travelling is of the ambulatory sort.

Mostly the roads we walk down are main roads with cars zipping by; and the theme of the city seems to be construction these days. So dirt and dust flies around in the areas where they are installing roundabouts that another lovely foreign government paid for, and most days we walk through these places. There are plenty of times that we walk down a gravelly dirt road especially when we are in the villages to help with the overall visual of how my feet look by the end of the day. However, I cannot discount that my flip-flops are black and thus the blackness may be wearing off onto my feet. Oh, and the heat of the day doesn't help the sweating.

But why am I going on and on about the grossness of my feet in this post? Because I have drawn a strange but simple love for washing my feet. I feel cleaner, more relaxed, granted...even a little happier when my feet are clean. It's no wonder it was a cultural norm in the Bible after a greeting and a kiss from the host, providing water and sometimes a servant to wash the feet of the guests. There have only been sparse times in my life where I have looked at my feet and counted their state unacceptable, however it happens much more consistently here. I don't know how to say this without sounding really REALLY dorky but it does give me a little bit of a peace.

After I wash my feet I look at the cloth I used and it is filthy, and many times I imagine the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with her hair. I imagine how gross Jesus' feet must have been and how she gladly took away the dirt with her hair. It makes for some perspective on how precious Jesus truly is to the world. A woman whose body was likely her livelihood took it upon herself to go into a Pharisee's home and kneel down, publicly crying, using the water of her tears to first wash his feet, and then using the hair on her head to wipe them clean, all the while knowing and believing that he is the Savior of the world and caring for him so delicately. It's amazing.

Yes, these are the things I sometimes think about when I wash my own feet. You may think I am a strange person if you so wish. These have been my thoughts and ponderings in the short moments that I wash my feet and get ready for bed. May God remind me more of the happenings in his Word as I go about my daily life.

All to God

Cultural Intricacies and Other Thing I've Learned

There are so many intricacies to each culture. Every culture has similarities but no culture is the same, even if you are in one country you can find a variety of culture and you don't even have to cross a border. This place has many, many intricacies about it's culture and many times the way you make coffee in one area may be the "incorrect" way to make coffee in a different area. When learning a culture imitation can be the best teacher.

When speaking the language some words in some places can tell the person you are talking to where you are from, what your ethnicity is, or where you are learning the language. This is true in most cultures, nothing is simply cut and dry. If it were the world would be an easy, uncomplicated, rot of boring. We would figure each other out in seconds. Friendships wouldn't be born out of language blunders and jokes about those blunders later in the relationship when the language is finally learned for the foreigner. Reliance on the goodness of humanity to have patience and help you get something you need, or go where you need to go wouldn't be a necessity.

If you follow Jesus, learning the culture leads you to rely on God to put people in your path to help in such ways. You rely on him to take care of the things that can go on back home that are not pleasant, even though you would rather help take care of it yourself. You cannot have the patience it takes to deal with yourself and others without relying on God to give you that divine patience that only comes from him.

 If you plan to live in another culture, grace is everything. Even if it is grace to the waiter/waitress who gives you hot chocolate instead of the cappuccino you ordered, or looks at you funny when you clearly said you wanted a Fanta and asks you three times what you said. Also, grace for the bigger things like believers who are still a little shy about their faith to other non-believers, or non-believers who change the subject when the conversation starts getting to deep into a spiritual discussion. Because as believers we live in this vast and deep....very deep ocean of grace, even in the most frustrating things and people, we cannot act like we can't even spare a drop.

Also, just from my short time living overseas, I have to say that no matter the circumstances you must be thankful. Even if you feel as if you cannot be thankful in the moment, somewhere along the way landing on thankfulness is probably the most helpful thing in bringing perspective and a lot of joy. It can get hard, no doubt about it. Life is rough for anyone and when you are thousands of miles away from situations, and that far away from people you love, this is no exception.

I haven't lived here nearly as long as some others who moved here from their home cultures, but I can see these trends (or lack thereof) coming into play. I can see the necessity of God and his divine power to help us in our work, give us words, and help us lead a life that leads others to conviction. I understand the importance of other people, national people, and want and need their friendship.

I am so blessed to be here, blessed by people back home and their support and confidence in me. I am blessed by their prayers. I am thankful for these opportunities I am able to have for the declaration of the Kingdom because of those back home who see the importance of it. I thank you all.

All to God

Full Swing

This weekend we had and have the privilege of having Iftar meals with Bosnian families. Last night we had an Iftar meal with one of my favorite families here. We helped (a little) with the preparations and waited in a hot room talking and laughing until the food was done. We ate until we were fully satisfied, sat for a bit, and said goodbye for the night.

Tonight we get to do a lot of the same but up in a village. We are having this meal with a family for whom we helped to rake hay. They are really good people and I am excited to spend this time with them. Many times up in the villages you will find many more devout followers of Islam than in the town or near town, so it may be a very interesting experience to be a part of their evening. Pray for us while we are there tonight would you?

Yes, Ramazan has been in full swing, and I must report that it has been daunting but in other ways instead of just being hungry. There is tiredness and weakness, there is agitation. Many of my roommates have not felt well throughout this endeavor, as far as feeling sick or strange I haven't had those symptoms. It has felt like since I have gotten here that death seems to be a constant in more ways than one. Since Ramazan started the true weight of the continuation of the deaths of people I know has anchored itself to my guts. I keep a positive attitude as many of these people have been faithful to Jesus their entire lives. However, many times I think over the deaths of those who died apart from Christ and situations that have arisen and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach.

My prayers have been more focused, they have been more intentional. I know that everything works for the glory of God and my hope and prayer is that God will turn ashes into flowers. Throughout this Ramazan season I pray that God would move in big ways through people's lives so that we won't have to experience many more of our friends dying without knowing Christ, and that heartbreak in any form won't be as burdensome no matter how deep the cut because of Jesus.

Thank you, friends, for praying with me and for me through my time here and especially now. I love you all so very much.

All to God

30 Days

This week started something new...something I've never done in my whole life. This week the Muslim holy month of Ramadan (Ramazan for those here) where they fast all day and when the evening call to prayer goes off it's time for a meal called Iftar where they will break their fast. 

I'm not telling you this boastfully, and honestly many of you will disagree with this method, however we have chosen to fast as they fast and break the fast as they break the fast. We have a defining line, Jesus, we pray through him because we know he is our Savior. We do this as a petitioning method for Muslims to know Jesus and his saving grace because we love these people and we strive to help them understand salvation and have assurance of a holy eternity. 

Today is day three of this fast by day, eat by night month. A whole 30 days where while the sun still sits in the sky the fast continues. It is interesting to say the least and I'm wondering how my body will adjust back to it's normal routine after this month is over, however doing this has made us come together a little more. We have stuck with it together so far, we make Iftar meals together, both have been rewarding to me. 

I'm glad we are not bound by the law, I'm glad that the fear of what God might do to us if we do not fast this month is not a reality for us. I'm glad we do not have that fear but instead we have the faith that God would sustain us and keep us throughout the tasks we might do, and that he hears us when we pray in this fast, and finally that Jesus actually surrounds this whole thing giving us the freedom from fear, along with the freedom of the Holy Spirit. 

I hope you would pray for the Muslims around the world who are fasting this month. Pray as we pray that they might see dreams of Jesus while they sleep and go to a follower of Christ wondering what the dream was about. Pray that God would reveal himself to many Muslims around the world convicting their heart. Pray for us as we continue to work alongside these people.

All to God

This is How We Rake

There is nothing more satisfying than seeing hard work pay off. We have been doing a lot of hay raking this week in two different villages. At first you look at the field and are a little overwhelmed at the size of it and the depth of the actual hay, but then you start your work and slowly but surely the land becomes cleaner, the hay less deep than before, and you see your work as an accomplishment.

Not only are you satisfied at the result of your own work but also knowing that this was a team effort and the team played well. Because the job doesn't end with raking....oh no; you rake, and rake, and then someone with a fork comes and lifts (or pushes) the bundle that has been gathered to a bigger pile surrounding a pole sticking up from the ground. When the field has been raked clean then someone starts gathering the hay around the pole and then when it gets a little heigth on it then someone more skilled than I gets on top of the stack stomping it down with every throw of hay the person from the ground gives them.

Then rakers come in and shave the loose hay off the sides so rain will just drip off of the stack, and then they rake what is on the ground into little piles to be added to the top of the huge mountain of hay. Some precautions are made so that the hay doesn't combust on a hot, dry day sticking branches on the bottom of the big stack assuring some breathing room inside of it.

There have been many hands that have gone into raking these fields of cut, dry hay; if one slacks then the work goes slower and the heat of the day wears more on those laboring. However, many times these fields are left to the family that owns them. We have been seven (sometimes 8 or 9) extra bodies to help those we know rake their fields or a family member's field. I could make a sweet biblical reference and say how raking hay is kind of like the body of Christ in motion with each part doing it's job but I think that sentence really just gave you the gist of that allusion.

The raking hay itself is not the joyous part for me, it's the time we spend with the people before and afterward. When we go to help many people will fix lunch, or a meal for us after we are done. Though the meals are delicious, I try to focus on the words being spat out in Bosnian trying to weave through the different accents used in different villages and hanging onto the words I recognize to even latch onto the context of the conversation. I love the jokes, the quick-wit that is sometimes the Bosnian way, I love to hear about their concerns and questions they have for us.

I love this place..did you know that?

All to God

Hoping For the Best

My mind rolls about the future possibilities of this year. There are moments as I have lived here in these past few weeks that I have made a point to stop what I was doing for a few seconds and think one of two things; either "what I am doing in this moment is what I want a part of life here to look like" and other times it is "I should really be doing something."

Though being here for only a few weeks, and having some deaths occur, as well as some inconveniences, I still don't give myself much of an excuse on the days when it comes down to "I should really be doing something." Fortunately there have not been many of those kinds of days, however when they do happen I always know there is something I could be doing. I am happiest when I am busy, actually serving, actually building relationships, telling people my name and having them remember it, saying "we should have coffee sometime" and it actually happens.

The only hitch, a bit small...maybe medium sized: I want to speak to them in their language. I love that I can communicate with a good amount of people through speaking English, but I so desperately want that to be a temporary fix. I want to dive into these people's lives and show them the same generosity they have shown me through communicating with me in my heart language. I am grateful for those patient enough to use the English they know to better communicate and also those who are patient (and helpful) when I am trying to communicate in Bosnian.

God has put some people in our paths that have patient in both areas, people who I believe will turn into some pretty good friends. I tell most of the friends I make here "Someday you won't have to speak English to us!" and I'm going to make good on that promise.

I love these people. They really have tugged on my heart, everyday I encounter someone new it is just another reason to love these people. So there is something to pray about; that God would guide my words and actions as now is the time that I will be meeting a lot of new people and talking a lot.

Thank you for your prayers, as always, I cannot say how much they mean. It's so strange how words I will never hear, petitioning for the outcome of life and teaching here in this country will make such an impact in my life and the lives of others. So thank you...so very much.

All to God

Week's End

I know, I have been seriously slacking on posting blogs and definitely posting any kind of video, but this week has been a not so nice week. Much of this past week meant dealing with death and being a support system, and also dealing with some mishaps in my bank account which have been dealt with and resolved. Things have been not working such as our washing machine does not work at the moment and so our clothes are turning into a pile only restrained by the basket that holds it all. There have been other things, they only add to frustration.

But we have gotten through a lot of it together. This weekend has been a more uneventful weekend, one which I am hoping charges us up for a new week full of unknowns and surprises that we must go through. This week was tough and it was long, and I'm glad it's over but I'm ready for another beginning of another week. There is a lot to look forward to and a lot to do!

I know you are praying for us, and it is what keeps us here. I like to and want to continue thanking you for your love and support. If you are on my newsletter list be looking out for a newsletter coming soon! Again, thank you for your prayers they are such an important piece to the work here. I love you all, thank you for all you do!

All to God

Here We Are Today

I can remember my life three years ago today. I was a summer intern in the exact city and country I am in now, just staying with my summer coach, Beth, and her family for 10 weeks while I simply got a taste of what this whole "living outside of the U.S. and studying another culture for higher purposes" was all about. Three years ago today was a rare day, I've written about it before, the news came that Beth had been diagnosed with cancer.

I remember how unimportant I felt to this family in such an intimate moment. I had spent less than a month in that house, only a couple of weeks had I known them. But a funny thing happened, and it really shouldn't be so funny, it should be common and yet still awe-inspiring;

God used this situation.

As an intern I saw firsthand how to deal with tragedy so far away from all of the family members that you want surrounding you. I learned, and even now it seems, that when the heavy moments stop for a while, you laugh. He showed me that you can make family in another culture who will be with you and support you through the small celebrations and in the moments that seem like defeat. He even used me in the healing process (so I'm told by Beth). Most importantly he showed me that his strength is unending and he will give it to us if we truly believe that he will. 

Today, I call it "No Cancer Day" or more poetically "The Day the Nugget Sought Defeat" and today we will celebrate it! I'm so glad I am able to celebrate this with Beth today. It's good to celebrate a life sustained for the goodness of the Lord's work, a love not lost on this earth, and the perseverance of a great friend. 

Three years ago today I didn't fully see my purpose, now through the circumstances that have been over the past three years I see myself more clearly. It's moments like today that we celebrate God's goodness and his strength. We are all so blessed by our Father every single day, blessings rain on us and ironically...it's a little rainy today. Happy No Cancer Day, Beth!

All to God

Malo Po Malo

I walked home tonight I was a ways behind and a ways in front of my other four roommates. I was by myself, but not really, and all I could do is pray. I prayed for families close to the good man who died last night, one whom I had the pleasure of knowing in my lifetime. My heart was heavy for the love lost on this earth. I prayed that God would spread out his Spirit that can only bring absolute peace, I prayed for everlasting life for those who can choose salvation.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5:4

Thank you, friends, for your prayers. There is little time to waste, and after this experience I emphasize that my goal here ("here" as in on earth) is for eternal purposes and I feel that urgency. I know this has been short, I apologize, but I had to write something. Today has been tiring in many ways for many people, but here we are, and we have made it through today... "Malo po malo."

All to God

Little Over a Week

Ok guys, I know it's been forever but as I last said I am now writing you from Europe! I've been here a little over a week and we have been busy. We have raked hay, gone into town to get stuff for our apartment, washed rugs, painted a room, and done random things here and there. I love this place and every time I come around I seem to find so many different things about it that I love.

I'm excited to start finding out where I am needed most and many times I think that it doesn't matter how specific you get with ministry, if you are a light then you need to be wherever the darkness is. I love this place and I want to light it up, just like most other missionaries here. Since getting here a little over a week ago I've been very tired but it has been some of the most satisfied tired that I can remember.

I get nervous, I get tongue tied, I get red in the face embarrassed when I mess up or can't understand sometimes. However, I get more excited to speak to people these days...in their language. So stay tuned because I may have some cool stories to tell, or some not so cool stories, who knows really.

Thank you guys for praying for me as this year continues to peel away month by month. I love you guys, thanks for all you do, and I'll keep you posted!

All to God

Extending Family and Other Bits.

Ok, so I couldn't wait to write until I was in Europe...BUT next time I write I will definitely be in Europe because I bought my tickets there yesterday! I will be leaving this Tuesday and arriving on Wednesday and I'm PUMPED.

I'm not pumped about packing.

Packing for a summer is one thing, but packing for a year is another. I want to pack as little as possible but I also don't want to miss anything important. Plus I'm packing my faithful winter jacket, and a hoodie or two and they take up a lot of space. Plus, plus, I always have to stay within the regulations of the airlines with their weight limitations and all that jazz. It's a delicate line I'm walking but no matter! 

It is fortunate that I am a girl who can live without a lot of things and leave a lot of things. I'm excited, nervous, a little sad, and very ready to be where I want to be. I will miss the security of my family surrounding me and having friends...close-ish by (by close-ish I mean not across an ocean). However when thinking about it yesterday a thought popped into my mind.

It's OK Emilie, you will add onto your family when you get there,

and then family will surround you again.

It's true, I already have people I like to call family there, and friends that definitely fit the bill. I am excited to extend my family in such a way, and maybe even extend our family through Jesus, that would be the ultimate extension because that last for eternity. I am very excited to write to you from Europe and give you updates and happenings that go along with being uprooted and then planted again. It'll be fun, glad you are coming with me!

All to God

Vlog on a Blog

Shall we?

All to God

Exclamations pt 1

In not such a long time I will be off. I'll be on multiple plane rides to get me to a place where I have been racing to get to. It is slightly surreal that I will be living an entire year in another country, and that beginning is so close I can smell the ćevapi from here. I think about how close I am and a thundercloud of excitement builds up until I remind myself that I am not totally in the clear just yet. There are still a few things to tie up like the last 4.5% of my budget  buying plane tickets, packing some things up, getting some extra things done.

I am excited for the things I know will happen, and for the things unknown. Let me apologize in advance, this week will prove to be a busy one, so if I do not write you for a while, please don't fret...I'll be slightly busy but I will write you again.

What is extremely cool about this thing (and I'm not trying to jump the gun) is that the next time I write, I may be in Europe! I'm so excited to write from Europe, bring you with me, experience things through a lens or through newsletters, e-mails, letters, or right here on my blog posts. Also, if you want to support me or receive newsletters please click here and there are ways to contact me and information on how to support me if you so wish. Aaaannnnndd...done with the plug.

So here's to the almost beginning of a very busy, potentially strenuous week. I am excited for all the things! God is good, and he has made so much happen!

All to God

A New Thing

I tried a new thing today. I tried going on a walk and listening to the Bible. I've never been big on listening to a book or driving down the road hearing a book being read to me because I'd rather just sing or dance a little (safely) on long drives. Today I simply walked down a trail next to a field and just listened to someone tell me the stories.

I listened to the book of John and as I walked I imagined just being a person in the crowd, or the woman at the well who found the Messiah. I felt the "aha!" moment that the centurion had when his servant ran up to him and told him the hour that his son started to heal. I snickered at sarcasm that Jesus uses when he is addressing the religious leaders.

But it was when the narrator read the parts when Jesus was speaking to the crowds when he told them of the true followers, the ones who in those times were dead in a spiritual sense and how because of Jesus they would come alive. I imagined being a non-Jewish person back in that day and actually understanding what those words meant. Then I remembered that what Jesus was saying here has not stopped.

People who are spiritually dead come alive everyday around the world.

I think I really enjoy listening to the stories of the Bible, sometimes I think we have lost the art of oral story telling. It's like sitting on the "magic carpet" in the library classroom while the teacher reads us a story and we are all just taken by the words. Except this is a little different, this is real life, these are lessons and tools for this way of life. 

I'm glad I tried a new thing, even if it's a little thing. New things are good to try...you know unless the thing hurts you or others...that whole thing. Anyways, that's been my experience today. Anything you've done lately that has really been a cool thing? Tell me about it! No, really it'd be cool if ya told me about it :)

Tis all for now.

All to God

My Mind is a Small Town

Neurons are firing in my brain thinking about this...and that..and everything in between. All of that is happening behind tired eyes, ready for sleep, yet I can feel each barrel flash in my mind. If something external is impeding on sleep we tend to make the annoyance stop, but how do you do that when the internal part of you is that annoyance?

Don't worry this blog post is not about money, I'll let that rest for this one. It is almost midnight, and my body  is heavy and I liken the feeling on my skin to the sound of a faint lulling sound except, I feel it creeping on my skin....does that make sense? I know, I'm strange we already came to that realization pretty early in this relationship. I'm so sleepy.

My brain is like a small town with a big gossip story that everyone is just raving about. Think Edward Scissor hands type of town. It isn't being a very active listener when comes to discussing the differences between it and what my body wants...which is sleep. So here I am writing a nonsensical blog about the war between my mind and my body, I'm also allowing my mind to appease itself through an outlet.

It's what the internet is for....right?

I'm really trying hard to calm the math down (I get it, I used an Adventure Time term). Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about my internal struggle at hand. I hope you are having a much better time relaxing tonight than I am. Thanks for reading even when I tend to be a little crazy. You guys are sweet, beautiful, strawberries and I love you. I also would not mind eating some strawberries...ok, goodnight...or good day, depending on where you are in the world. Remember...

All to God (this is what you should remember.)

May. That is All.

May is finally almost over. It's been a quick month, mainly because it has been such a busy month. I've done a lot of celebrating with friends, and a lot of hanging out with cool people from different churches throughout the area here. I have done a TON of travelling by myself which caused for a lot of talking to myself, but nonetheless, wonderfulness waited at each destination.

A lot of good news has come out of May as far as my financial state in this entire journey through raising support. There is just a smidge more money that is left to raise as I said when I was unable to express how thankful I am for all the support that I have been given thus far from people I know very well to those I haven't even met.

I'll be writing more about it in my newsletter that many of you read. I hope that if you haven't already that you will go to this page, yes please consider clicking right here and maybe ponder helping me close the financial gap of $3,300. Scattered among many people this amount is not that much to come too and after coming so far and having so many people decide to come alongside me in this thing, it is in this moment that I cannot lose stamina because now is the time everyone, to move this effort to Europe.

May has been a great month, I'm tired, but a good tired. I've come so far but not without a team effort; we have come very far. As always thank you for your love and support, without a God who stirs the hearts of the willing I couldn't stand a chance. Thank so many of you for being the willing ones.

All to God

When Thank You Doesn't Feel Like Enough

I'm so sorry that you haven't heard from me in a while, as said in previous posts this month is a little crazy! The good news about all the crazy is that it's the good kind of crazy and I'll that that any day.

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about how when you have been given gifts and how just saying thank you to anyone who gave those gifts seems meager and a little out of place. I don't mean that the thanks is out of place but the absolute smallness it brings. I have been given many gifts this month, sacrificial, financial gifts and I say "thank you!" and it doesn't seem to be enough, I feel myself lacking in expressing my gratitude of which there is an abundance.

The overwhelming feeling that comes from these gifts is not just one of "Yes! I'm closer!" but 95% "God must be ready to use me for something because I'm not this incredible." I could never thank God enough FOR ANYTHING anyway, but I still praise him in my small mind and small soul. Everyone who I have encountered that has supported me financially or truly prayerfully throughout this support-raising endeavor has meant a monumental amount to me.

This road has had it's encouraging moments and also those moments where it seems I might not ever reach the goal. I still have a little left to raise but it is far less daunting than before. To have people believe in me and the work that will be done is humbling and encouraging because like I said before...I'm really not that great, but I have a great God leading me into this field for his great purposes. Though I might be a girl who is not the brightest crayon, the one who never won many great awards, the average and sometimes below average student who would try her best not to let distractions take hold, the one who was OK at sports but nothing special...

I KNOW

 I am the girl that God calls his daughter, I am one he has raised up to love him and go where he wants me to go, I am his willing heart, I am unafraid because of his power to overcome anything, I am in his peace, I am in his strength, I am cloaked with salvation able to share it with anyone, I am God's person...one of them at least. I am no better than the rest of humanity, but in God I am everything I need to be despite my imperfections, inhibitions, and insecurities.

It is humbling and causes me (along with many other instances in my life) to glorify God, because without his stirring in your hearts, without him giving you the faith that your money and your prayers are an investment for the Kingdom then why should you support me? This one small person, with so many flaws. It has been God from the start and it will be God when we reach the finish.

Thank you all for what you have done, it has been incredible to see the Lord move and use his timing perfectly.

All to God

SO CLOSE.

Mother's Day has even gifted those who do not have children. I say this because this support raising stage of ministry has kind of been like my baby; fussy at times, loving and cuddly at others. Today it is lovely and cuddly because today I found out that some support has been confirmed which only leaves me $10,000 more to raise.

Many will say "$10,000! You are comfortable with the fact that you have that much more to raise?!" Stick with me my little glass half empty people because I'm not great at math but here it is: I only need 100 people to give a financial ONE TIME gift of $100 and I will reach that financial goal.

That's it. That's all. $100 from 100 people and the gap is filled. Boom. Done. I am very excited about this, I am so close to financially being able to get out there because of all the wonderful people who have been so good to me. If you are reading this I hope you will prayerfully consider being one of these 100 that might fulfill this financial need.

If you do feel like this is something you would want to help with click here and find out how you can send in your gift. I am so blessed that many of you have helped and that God has brought you to work alongside me. I thank him for you, and all you have done. I thank God that he has opened the doors and shown me the avenues, his guidance is priceless.

Thank you all for your prayers and love.

All to God

Come With Me!

Hey guys, this is an update post. Also, a confessional post. I have all the social networks, yes you guessed it, facebook, twitter, tumblr, even a youtube channel.

Why Emilie? Why do you live in the cyber space?

I covered my bases, and I refuse to join anymore. I am gearing up to get to Europe and I want to take my friends and family and supporters with me, so while I can't physically, I will attempt to pack you in my bags and let you see it at least through the lens of a camera. Obviously you won't see everything but you will see some things and I'm excited about it. So here's how to check it out and join on in! Subscribe to my Youtube channel, follow me on Tumblr, and Twitter, friend me on Facebook. Also, keep reading these blog posts, and I love that you do! I explain myself better in writing anyway so it's here you will get the meat of the experience.

I feel it in my bones that this next year is going to be a good one, and I hope that you all will stay in the loop! 

All to God

Holy Huddle Batman!

Wow, I've been thinking about STUFF ya'll, all kinds of stuff. But the biggest thing that I have been thinking about lately is a phrase that I heard used by the Rend Collective Experiment called the "holy huddle." I've been thinking about this because there have been many times in my life where I look around and SURPRISE most everyone I hang out with are Christians.

I've been thinking about this holy huddle syndrome that many of us fall into when we are around a massive amount of Christians wherever we are living. I think we become involved in each other's lives and we know that we are serving those who are in our church or believers in our communities but somehow we get lost in this jungle of safety, community, bonds, like-mindedness, and unity of belief. All of these things are great and they are necessities in the Christian life but honestly, I think we can get a little hung up.

Sometimes I yearn to be in the world (and not of it as the saying goes) and live among those who don't follow the same patterns as me. It is so good to break from the huddle and actually start the game. That's the huddle, we are so caught up in TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING TALKING, and we forget to put our hands in, get psyched and go work our hardest.

Because it's really easy to "love thy neighbor" when your neighbor isn't AtheistMuslimBuddhistAgnosticDaoistHinduSpiritistAllotherbeliefsbesidesChristianity.

We've done a lot of talking, and maybe we do need to just go and relate to the people at the bar, or love on inner city people, hug a prostitute, get on a plane and go, love someone "unlovable." I don't know what it is but sometimes I feel like arms are wrapped so tightly around teammates' shoulders and nobody stops to say "Alright, get in there and play hard, because if you give it your all you've already won." 

The huddle is necessary, but only for a minute and after that, it's time to get back into the game, hydrated and motivated and maybe a slap on the butt.

Hands in guys.

All to God

The Good

Guys! I want to let you all in on a little thing I've started doing, it's very simple. Many of you may have already seen me posting things on Facebook, or Twitter, but I thought it was time to write about it too! I'm probably just hyping myself up but I'm kind of excited about it.

The other day, a special report came on the news and it had lots to do with Boston, but then another day it was a terrible thing that happened in Texas and another day there was a humongous earthquake in Iran. All of these issues killed and injured people and the world is fuming. As is entirely understandable I became heart-broken at all of the disaster and evil that reared it's head this past week. I don't know what they will call this week in the history books but it should be something dramatic.

I looked around on the T.V. and only saw two things: News coverage of terrible things, and scripted entertainment. So I started to feel overwhelmed by all of this and my only consolation is that one day all of the nastiness will be washed away and that Jesus will make everything brand new. I was fixed on the horrors of the week, exhausted from the media.

I said to myself, "There's got to be something better." So I started searching for some good news, and I found some. I read the article and I almost cried because I was so relieved and invigorated by the sweetness and goodness in the pictures and words. Then it hit me like a brick wall, "I gotta share it!" (It's in my nature to share good news, I follow Jesus!) So, I started thinking about it and seeing as how hashtags (number symbol, pound sign) are popular these days.....I came up with my own!

#trendthegood

"Trending" is when something gets popular and I just want to be an advocate for genuine goodness. It may sound silly but I want people to look for the goodness in humanity, our common bond above anything else; we are all humans. The purpose of this "trend" is to highlight the good stuff happening in the media (internet, news, local newspapers, magazines, etc) and in everyday life (stuff that is witnessed first hand) without being naive to the issues at hand. I want to encourage the lives of people through this and maybe even inspire people to #trendthegood in their actions, in what they say, and how they live. Help me to share by

Trending the best of humanity, seeking the loveliness of the human race.

I'm not perfect, I have some really terrible days when I say, and do, and think awful things. However, there are two things that make me quit all of this in almost an instant and that is stopping for a moment and thanking God for all I have and the blessing of Jesus and his saving sacrifice, and seeing the outstanding power of kindness and goodness of the people throughout the world. 

So this is just a little something to help keep perspective and know that not everyone is out to harm anyone, and there are great people roaming the earth. It might not catch on and that's OK, like I said I am trying to be an advocate for good in my life and my time spent on the internet. So I hope people will join me, if not it's alright. 

There is so much good to be done!

All to God

Figuring Out Adulthood

It comes as no surprise that this blog is nothing more than a random roulette of issues, feelings, faith, aspirations, and times where I just couldn't sleep at night. Well, unfortunately I don't think that will change anytime soon because I am a random hot mess that is trying hard to get her fledgling adult life to just dive off the cliff and take flight.

There is a massive amount about life that they don't teach you in college, and while you are in college you think you are ready for it, but then you find you were terribly mistaken. Especially coming from a Bible college; yes you learn about how to interact with the non-believing world in an unoffensive way while still being bold in the faith. Of course you learn how to answer the hard questions like "well if you believe in one God and only one then why do you seemingly worship three separate gods?" Or the simple-hard questions like "Why does evil exist?"

But, we don't learn many things like you will need to get your own insurance at some point (how to get it done and who to be your provider). One day you will live on your own...are you ready to get a job that isn't exactly in line with the degree you spent thousands of dollars to attain just to pay the rent? If you get married straight from graduation (or before) do you understand that you are NOT financially stable and that you will have to make sacrifices that you will not enjoy too much. Oh you think you don't have a social life now? Wait until the homework is gone but you still are so busy with life that you can't interact on a daily basis with your best friends you made in college especially because they are flung throughout the world.

If you leave college single, get ready because almost 98% of your friends will get married and you will go to their weddings and you will love them and the fact that they are marrying the love of their life. Then after the weddings you think "I wonder where my husband/wife is." If you leave college already married get ready because 90% of your friends (who are married as well) will be pregnant with their first little pride and joy. If you are the couple that would like children, you'll start to want to be able to be stable enough to care for another little piece of both of you with their cute smiles, giggles, precious moments, and maybe even some not so precious moments.

Yes, all these statistics are legitimate and I'm not making it up ;)

Yes, I'm a big random hot mess pondering these things that we assume to be a part of the adult life. We don't even need to discuss trying to achieve that career that college is supposed to somewhat be a catalyst for. This has been true in my life, college led me into the organization I want to work with and where I wanted to minister. I was very blessed in that area, and it was a bit of confusion I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with. 

Even though college doesn't teach you about all corners of life, life itself is a beautiful journey and many terrific people help you along the way as you help them along the way. Becoming the adult person that you want to be takes time and patience and a little frustration but out of that frustration there is education. 

It's a crazy ride, and most everyone is waiting in line, anxious, excited, nervous, and all the feelings. I've just made it out of the start, there's a long way to go. 

All to God

Raising 12 Months

A year, 365 days, 52 weeks, and a whole lot of chances and changes. A year, this is my commitment for this next expedition to eastern Europe. With it comes a lot of emotions many of which are excitement, motivation, and just plain happy about the whole thing. Of course though there is a portion of this entire endeavor that drags, and drags, and drags.

Let me just clarify that support-raising is kind of great in the way that you are humbled and grateful. One has to totally lean on faith in God to help bring this along. The people that you can meet while going through this are good, solid people, and I love people! But (got to love it when someone uses the word but after saying positive things) sometimes it's just a lot of waiting and seeing, writing thank you cards (which I do sincerely mean), wondering and pondering. There comes those times when it's all kind of out of my hands and up to leaderships and individuals to think and pray on the Spirit's leading, and I can appreciate that.

Undoubtedly, support-raising can be a trying time. It's almost like school sometimes, you get a few really good grades and then you get a bad grade and start to get nervous about if you will pass or fail. I haven't gotten any terrible feedback or anything, I have been incredibly blessed. It's those moments when it all seems to come to a stand-still where I can get a little nervous about meeting the financial goal on time. However, it is a good lesson on patience and faith.

God is certainly keeping me on my toes this time around, but I have faith in him. I have faith that he will lead me to the right people to be in support of me just as I have faith that he will lead me to the right people to share the Gospel with.

I can't end this post without giving you the chance to be involved! So click on those brightly lit colored words if you think it is a possibility to get involved in this ministry. This page will show you how!

But enough of the plug. I am truly grateful for those giving sacrificially and praying, it is a privilege to have you working alongside me. There isn't enough air to breathe all the thank yous I want to say. If you read my posts regularly I have done you an injustice by not thanking you every once in a while, after all, you put up with my nonsense at times! So thank you for supporting and reading and loving!

All to God

Holding Onto Hope

It seems like these days there is a lot to hang our heads about. There is a lot to grieve and mourn because much of the world has changed, seemingly for the worse. Revolving around hate, conspiracy, paranoia, and a little chaos. I'm not just referring to what happened in Boston, I'm referring to the predecess-ing actions taken by people all around the world, in all nations and countries, done to many ethnicities, peoples, genders,  races, age groups, the scorned unborn, any and all.

It seems rare to see goodness, kindness, loveliness, joy, happiness, and all things beautiful. Why? Because news and media don't show the humanitarians and those who would never hurt anyone outside of personal defense. They don't make breaking news, those stories are thrown by the wayside or never even really heard of. Not that those people are looking for news coverage or any recognition. We see tragedy (sometimes) because it is astonishing, it's thought provoking, it's terrifying, and it's sad. Do we need to know about the tragedies of 9/11, or Newtown, or Boston? Absolutely.

I often think that we as a species understand that doing good is something that's a bit natural and so when we hear of clean water initiatives, or any other good thing helping humans better life for themselves we say "Good for them, glad people are doing what they ought." There are no extreme Facebook posts, Tweets, Tumblrs, Instagram shots, or Vine videos, our basic reaction is "Well good!" So I think that we expect our own species to do good for the species because we are a part of each other.

But I think there is something to celebrate among the wreckage. We are searching for beauty, we are reaching for joy. More and more we long for love to conquer, we yearn for kindness. This is something to be grateful for; the fact that many of us tiny humans are looking for the best in humanity, we revel in the good things, we crave unity. I think we are trying to take Ellen Degeneres' sign off line as a true goal:

Be kind to one another.

As a follower of Christ I know that we as a fallen people have only done these things to ourselves and there is no need in pointing the blame to God when it was our choice to become the creature we have become since the entrance of sin in the world by our own doing. No need in passing the buck, the bad things I do are a direct result of my sin and my poor choice to sin. The world is riddled with sin, and although I am not the one that can eradicate sin from the world I find it to be a great privilege to be able to serve God and serve people in a positive way and be a bit of a light in the world. What is awesome is that this generation is really stepping up in becoming the light of the world, knowing that they are faulty eliminating boisterous pride, yet forgiven eliminating the "pity pond" syndrome. 

My prayers have gone out to all of the tragedies that have broken my heart, and caused me to mourn inside myself. However, I am grateful to all the good going on, and I am excited to be a part of that good and one day there will be no tears, no sadness, no depression, no hatred. This is what we work for now and one day we will witness this in the presence of our King. 

Hallelujah

All to God

I Wanted Extra on my Ordinary

I've been convicted of late that, though I take my faith seriously, maybe I make light of the thing I've been taught since I was a very little girl. I was taught, rightly, to love God, his Spirit, and his Son. I was taught to live for him, and keep his teachings close to my heart. All of these things are true in my life today, they live and breathe, but many times they seem ordinary. What a disastrous word for what God has done in this world for us, "ordinary." What a watered down shame of a word to describe how you feel sometimes in your faith, this "ordinary" farse.

Though on a daily basis I realize that Jesus is not ordinary, salvation did not come through ordinary means, God did not promise us an ordinary promise, and he did not reveal to us an ordinary revelation. There are days that I feel like I carry on with this ordinary life without a second look at the extraordinary life I have been given, with the extraordinary commission that has been set before me on this path. I'm not saying I am anything extraordinary, but God has an extraordinary plan for his glory to flow through any life that is willing to carry the weight. He uses us for extraordinary purposes for an extraordinary outcome.

So why is it that I keep walking so ordinarily? What I read in the scriptures does not compel me to be ordinary, they call me to be a tool, a component of the body that moves among people for the glory of his name and what a blessing that is in itself, to be recognized as a willing heart, ready to work for the family business that our Father started so long ago. There is nothing ordinary about that.

 
Well that's my thoughts for today, I know I am not alone in this drive to work for an extraordinary purpose. I thank God for the family he has created to bring the Gospel to the world to bring glory to himself, the rightful owner of any and all glory.

All to God

Run A Mile With Me

Running is an exercise that many people dread. Running is hard, it stretches how far our bodies can go. It can make us feel like laying down and sleeping for days, and it can make us feel like drinking a bottle of water and going back out there. Running is hard, but I love it.

I love running because it does stretch my limits. In my head I'm constantly telling myself "keep going, a little further, you're not dying and you're not vomiting, keep breathing and keep going." I love going farther, I love impressing myself. I am pleased with myself with I reach one of my goals, it makes me want to eat healthier and move a lot. But every time, without fail, I think about how it is possible that one day I may not be able to run, or even walk, much less very far. I become grateful for the legs I have that are able to move quickly, and that my body doesn't crash every time I'm done with a run.

It will be a bittersweet day when I say "I used to be able to run for miles, not anymore though." I say bittersweet because if that day comes I may be an old woman and if I am privileged enough to live that full of a life then that is a gift the Lord gave me. However, that is the swift way of life, and moving around becomes less and less easy.

I love running because I can feel what it is like to have the kind of determination it takes to meet goals and fulfill aspirations. It clears my head for other areas of my life that can be stressful (aka: support-raising) and it helps motivate me to keep striving in that arena of my life as well.

I keep running to feel better in my skin, to eliminate stress that is not needed, to be fresh in motivation for the goals I've set in my life, and to thank God for blessing me with an able body. Much worship is done on my runs, I often listen to music that allows me to completely be alone with God and express to him my love and gratitude for his presence in my life.

So yeah, I love running.

All to God

The Blaring Horn of Prayer

Today I am compelled. Today I will pray. I will pray for that special place that holds my heart, tangles my guts, and renders me helpless with excitement. I pray for them many times, but today it's like a blaring horn in my head beckoning me to focus very specifically in prayer for that nation.

Naming people by name
Speaking out the names of cities and villages
Being vocal about various needs of specific individuals

I will go about the Lord's business in prayer about this nation, their people, my friends, the work, my life there. I have one of those moments when you know what the Spirit is calling you to do, and it is obvious what needs to be done. So today I will pray blessing and revelation, dreams, and words of compassion and conviction over this place.

What if we all sat down as believers all at once and prayed over the areas in the world that call out to us with hunger and thirst of the salvation of Jesus. If we all sat down with the Holy Spirit prompting our words, stirring our passions for these areas in the world. I wonder what a significant impact that would be for the people of the world and even ourselves.

Because God listens, and even though I am not present among the people I wish to serve, my God is ever-present working on the hearts and minds of those who will love him. So today I will pray that his efforts will take root in those hearts and more readily accept him as Lord and Savior filled with salvation and blessing. I will even pray that he make ready more hearts in this nation. I believe he can, and I believe he will.

So if there is a place in the world that is tender in your heart, if there is a place you feel convicted for, maybe you should join me today. Even if it is only for a few minutes, join me in forgetting our sphere of influence and remembering God's sphere of influence where through prayer we are able to be.

Many grand gestures of God have been shown because of prayer and faith of individuals. Because God listens, we should have faith that he will do what the righteous desires of our hearts ask for.

All to God

Custom Called

Hallelujah for the sun and no wind today! This makes me a very happy camper, really though..it improves my mood leaps and bounds. It has been a beautiful weekend in general which is great considering all my griping about the nasty weather this past week. Anywho....

The season is coming that is filled with romping and playing. I am one to romp and play with the best of them. I am so very glad I get to spend the majority of the spring season with my family before I shove off to Europe. It's just a pleasant time where not only flowers and trees blossom but also ideas, schemes, and plans all of the fun sort I might add. I am glad I get to make ideas, schemes, and plans with them, and make a few memories that later in life a sentence will start off with "Hey remember spring of 2013 when..." and hopefully that sentence will end hilariously.

I am so very excited about going and ministering in Europe, I am excited to work with missionaries there, and make friends with locals that will hopefully and literally last forever. I am so glad that God has laid this in my lap, I am so grateful that he entrusts me to use the Spirit wisely among these people. More and more as I find out more about myself, as life tends to be the teacher, I am glad that he is always there guiding and leading.

Every single day I think about how blessed I am that I have a family who supports me so fully even through their fears and worries. Because love casts out fear, and for the sake of my passion and the sake of the Christ-less people they cast out their fear out of love for me, and the Lord's people who he is preparing for himself. I don't care what you say, my family is the most courageous people I know. They allow and encourage their only single daughter and sister to follow God wherever he takes her, even if it is out of their midst. Not to mention all the worried cousins, aunts, and uncles, they also encourage with a heart of love which is bigger than their fears.

Beautiful days like today just put my mind in a state of thanks and gratefulness to God for giving me such wonderful people to tread this path of life with. My heart is many ties overwhelmed by my position in life, how God has used it and will use it, molding me in a way that I will be most useful. Because that's just how God is, he is personal, relate-able, and he listens. He understands the desires of our hearts and many times if we are just looking to serve him with our lives he will put us in these positions and we will find fulfillment there because it is suited for us and for his purposes. Call it custom-called.

Today I praise him for using me for his purpose in a way I grasp and embrace, though does not come without difficulty. Difficulty comes with the territory, we are not promised ease or comfort, but we are blessed through the difficulties and for that reason we must bless. I have a stellar family, and I am so ready to give those who do not yet know Jesus the biggest and best family there has ever lived; the family of God.

I'm jazzed up, and that's alright, have a beautiful day!

All to God